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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Princess_Ariel
member
Adult Father-Daughter advice, please
Princess_Ariel
member
My father and I have a rocky relationship. I adored him as a child, but as I grew I learned more about him and saw him for his true self, the least of which was the fact that he was a deadbeat dad who wanted me to lower my educational standards so he could fulfill his legal obligation to help pay for college. I wasn't accepted to that college but was to a much better one, and he never offered a dime of support. During college I spoke with him a couple of times, all at his doing, and he stopped by to see me once or twice, but things didn't go well. We haven't seen each other since, and rarely communicated in the past 7 years.
Anyway, his brother's new wife did some research in the past year and contacted me. When I spoke with my uncle he informed me that my father wanted to contact me, but I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to speak with him yet. He gave him my info anyway, and while we haven't spoken, my father has sent cards and presents to DD and me. In exchange I send him thank you notes and pictures of his granddaughter.
Today I returned home and heard a message from him. He didn't identify himself (though his voice is unmistakable), leave a phone number (though I think he knows I have caller ID), and basically begged me to pick up the phone. He came from OK to TX to see me without any warning, which upsets DH that he would presume we're available to see him. I'm not sure, but I think he even rang my doorbell a couple times today (I didn't answer).
The question is, do I call the number on CID and agree to meet with him so he can meet DD, or just tell him I don't want a relationship with him? He never hurt me physically, just emotionally (and more through his actions than his words). I'm so torn, b/c when I was born I had 11 grandparents in total, while poor DD has a total of 6 living. I'm not sharing everything about his past b/c it's truly embarassing, but even DH has qualms about the possiblity of us starting a relationship with him (they've never met).
TIA ladies!
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Re: Adult Father-Daughter advice, please
Life is too short. I'm not sure how old he is, but you never know how long you have left with someone. He's still your father.
I say meet him for lunch (w/o DH and DD) and talk things out. If it goes well, maybe you could bring him back to the house to meet the two of them.
GL with whatever you decide.
Hmm, he sounds a lot like my dad. My dad refused to pay for college for me or my sisters (he was legally obligated to per divorce agreement, but my mom doesn't have much of a backbone and didn't pursue, but that's a whole other story)...anyway, refused to pay for college but managed to buy himself a $100K boat and a corvette my junior year of high school. Like you, there are a million other things I could say but it's not worth getting into on here. I ended up going to school with grants, scholarships, loans, etc and it was a long time before I would speak to my dad again. I still don't forgive or think it's right, but life is too short..
He was a terrible selfish father but he is a wonderful grandfather who absolutely dotes on DD. He and my stepmom love and spoil her so much and beg for her to come spend weekends with them. Despite what he's done to me, I would hate for her to miss out on having a relationship with her grandfather.
I guess I would say to try and give him a chance. It's possible he could end up disappointing you again, but you never know. I would hate to be in a position down the road where I would regret not giving it a shot. It's obvious based on his actions that he wants to make amends with you and meet his granddaughter.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I know it's not the answer you're looking for, but I think only you can decide this with your husband, as a family. DH's dad is a deadbeat also (for lack of a better word), however, DH has chosen to accept him the way he is. DH believes he's ultimately just a terrible parent/father, but not a bad person. I don't agree, I think he's a miserable excuse for a human being and will not have any kind of relationhip with him. That being said, DH takes DD to see him once every few months for an hour. DH's father sends cards and gifts for holidays and I send a thank you from the baby and pictures intermittenly when we get them done for the family. He will never be a part of our family in any larger capacity.
I would not feel sorry for DD that she only has 6 grandparents total. It is not the quantity of grandparents, it's the quality of people who love her, look after her best interests and support her in her life. Good luck.
Let me tell you a little bit about my father and I before I give you my opinion. My parents were very young when they married and had me. My father cheated on my mother numerous times but my mother tried to make it work for eleven years. I met most if not all his mistresses and I knew at a very young age that my parents should be divorced. I was thrilled that they got divorced and I saw little to nothing of my father. Years later we got regular contact again after he was court ordered to pay child support. I wouldn't allow my father to walk me down the aisle so much of that side of my family wouldn't attend, he did attend. I was honestly considering just cutting them out of my life, they all have this ideal picture of my father and who they thought he was to me. I have lived with the man for three of my 27 years alive, we aren't that close, may never be close.
But on the other hand I make the effort to spend time with his side of his family, I want my son to be familiar with that part of my family, it is part of who he is. I don't go out to visit my father so much as to visit my grandmother, aunt, and many other relatives when I travel out of the state. I love my father, he is an interesting character, but I plan on keeping visits short. I haven't heard from him since I flipped my car, about a week after the fact and the only reason he knew so quickly was because my mom felt he should know about it. He seems to just tear into a nearly healed wound everytime he visits, it has even begun to effect DH and I never want DS to experience that horrible pain or pit in his stomach.
So we have short visits once maybe twice a year, it works for us. For you I would pray/meditate about the matter and figure out what is best for you. A visit might be ok for you, just try to keep it light. HTH
I think you should meet him, maybe alone at first, and tell him that he can have a relationship with you and DD as long as he keeps up his end of the bargain. This is his last chance, and if he even starts to treat DD like he treated you, that he's done.
I had to have a similar chat with my dad. And I also went to therapy to deal with everything. I came to realize that if one extra person in the world loves my child, that's a good thing. But I am the adult now, it's my job to protect my child and I can set the rules. I can't tell you how helpful therapy was for this. In just three sessions, I dealt with about 20 years of repressed emotion from my parents' divorce. I was holding on to anger for so long and it really helped to talk to someone who was truly impartial. Good luck!