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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
franciscaz
member
UGH!!! Why oh why??? (work related)
franciscaz
member
Okay I dunno how many of you remember what happend right when Harmon was about to be born. I was offered a major promotion w/all new hard responsibilities etc. I agonized and decided to try being a SAHM (which was a total fail.
Okay so early this morning boss (who is also BIL) called me in at 8 am to come into the office. He wants to raise my pay starting in Jan to nearly a 6 fig number 
but that means I need to be in house 40 to 60 hrs a week. Right now I WAH FT about 40 to 45 hrs a week. I have a PT nanny and I do the grunt of my work in the evenings and weekends so I have plenty of Harmon time. He said it is either all or nothing! I either take it or I resign b/c this is what the company needs.
DH thinks this is a sign to resign. He makes a little bit better money and we don't really need the cash. DH has always wanted me to be a SAHM but he knows that our first was a disaster.
I'm heartbroken. I came home and Harm and the nanny were brushing teeth. He ran out of the bathroom and gave me a big smile. I love my little balance I have right now. I hate the idea of being away from him. I also know WAH positions like this are not easy to find and I make a crummy SAH mom (I really was going insane).
Mom to Harmon 1/17/08 and twins Rachel & Callum 8/28/09
This discussion has been closed.
Re: UGH!!! Why oh why??? (work related)
Would you have enough money to keep the nanny and allow you to do volunteer work? I'm sure you could find board and committee positions that would keep you busy, keep you involved professionally and allow you to be out of the house, making a difference.
But I know exactly what you mean. I work 3 days a week as a communications/marketing director for a credit union. I love the balance because I would go insane being home, but I feel like I get to spend lots of quality time with him on my days off. And I do both jobs better because I don't do either of them all the time.
You might feel differant after the twins are here about staying home.
I agree that if you don't need the money resign and then find some sort of volunteer work to get you out of the house and keep you busy. Pretty crappy though that they don't seem to want to work with you at all..but do you agree that that much time and work is needed for that job?
It's so hard to find that perfect balance (I still haven't found it yet!). It sucks that you'll have to choose something different, one way or the other.
One thing to consider when making your decision is that SAH with a toddler is way different than SAH with a newborn. I was a crazed, stressed-out mom for the first few months, the next six months got my feet under me, and then really began to love my life at about 9 months in. So SAH could be a different experience for you this time around.
Could you possibly stay at home, keep the nanny to maintain your sanity (esp. with 2 more on the way), and find PT WAH with someone else? Network with your friends back in Las Vegas for something?
Good luck -- you will work it out, I'm sure!
I feel for you, however I think I'd agree with your DH. It's a sign. Sometimes when we can't bring ourselves to make these decisions God does it for us.
With the twins coming you may feel much for opt to stick with the SAHM routine because you'll have a good full workload (not like you didn't before, it'll just be different). Once you get to a good routine with the new babies perhaps you can find a good baby-sitting job to bring in extra money. Or freelance work, something tells me you'll certainly be able to find something. One way or another the pieces will fall perfectly into place. God will lead the way.
No matter what your decision is you know you have a great support system in place; your DH and us too!
i m sorry your BIL is being such a butt! that really sucks. but i agree w/ everyone that w/ the twins coming it seems like it might be a sign for a change. if you dont need the $$, i would say resign and find some volunteer work to do. there are plenty of organizations and charities that would love to put your talents to good use! and most places let volunteers pick their own terms (at least the smart ones that want to keep talented, dedicated people around!) and if you need a little $$ (or if its important to you to be making some of your own) freelance or babysitting would be easy enough, and again on your own terms.
take your time making this decision. think about it, pray about it, see what other possibilities you can come up with. i think things will work out for you the way they are meant to be. the Lord has a way of putting us where we belong (sometimes whether we like it or not!) good luck and let us know what you guys decide!!!
BIL knows about the twins but he says emotion won't hinder the company. He is pretty heartless. He is 32 not married and works 14 hr days, 6 days a week. It is kind of sad. He came over to our home for Easter b/c he didn't want to be by himself.
I think if I were to go in office I would need a 40 hr week b/c I would work so much more efficiently w/o Harmon around (right now he keeps sneaking in and giggling and than running away). Our company exploded in growth after my DH and I joined the small company so I do see his concerns.
He said I could decided in December or January. I've got some time. I need to look into other possibilities. I just thought I had all of it worked out just perfectly
We don't need the money (DH makes more than plenty now, heck even I make enough to support the family on my own). After our economic scares from the last 2 yrs we live so frugally you would think we were war rationing. Mine really goes to the Nanny, retirement, savings, traveling etc. But we can easily get by on DH's. For me working is "for me". I feel so selfish admitting that but it is what it is.
I think he's being an a$$. However, with the twins, I think you'd be looking at having to scale back anyway. Three under two seems daunting to me.
I agree with the volunteer work. I bet your church could really use you. And volunteering for a cause you really appreciate and believe in can often lead to a paid position within the organization.
I don't see how he is being heartless, he has a business to run. Emotions and family ties don't keep the lights on or the bills paid, people.
GL with your decision, you seem to be a pretty smart chica so I have no doubt that you will find a solution that works best for you and your family. Don't let it stress you too much though, it's not good for the babies!!!
Why did you make a "crummy SAH" mom? Break it down for me: were you depressed, bored, did you ignore him, stay in bed all day and cry? Because if you do a little soul-searching and look at the reasons why it wasn't successful, you may learn something about how to do things differently (volunteer work, as others have said, or more structured activities, for example).
Or, if you can't think of any way for it to be bearable, you can think about other part-time or at-home opportunities to help fill your time. Do you just need the social interaction that you could get by working retail part-time or do you need the intellectual stimulation of the work itself? Could you freelance or find a part-time consultant position for a non-profit, perhaps?
I don't think you have to look at this as all or nothing, but, honestly, I think you would be crazy not to resign. You are going to have your hands FULL pretty soon.
What is the commute? Are your hours flexible? Will you be under contract...can you try it and see if it works?
From another mom that enjoys this balance I can tell you personally I would be cool with 40 hours inhouse as that is what I do (with three is may be easier to concentrate on work in-house), but its the 41-60 that I would have trouble with. That is another 1/2 FTE! So I would likely negotiate 40-45 (assuming a small commute).
If you aren't happy SAHM-don't let someone, or some circumstance make that decision for you. You can try to negotiate, or look for PT elsewhere, there are other options other than an all or nothing SAHM.
My DH and I stagger, we have plenty of time daily with the kids. DH takes them to care and I leave early.
I am sorry things are changing, don't get too discouraged.
That is quite a dilemma, and pretty bad timing with twins coming. If I were in your position, I don't know how I'd be able to take the new responsibilities of a 40-60 hour a week job + 3 little ones. I don't think I could do it.
I understand your feelings about being a SAHM. In the past year, I've been both, and will be SAHM again starting this summer and it is daunting. But I've decided to try my hardest to make it the best experience possible for both DS and I. Planning lots of activities and things to keep us busy so I don't go insane and so he has the interaction he loves now at daycare.
But with twins on top of it, wow. I don't think you'll have time to go insane! And once they get out of the newborn stage, you could always find other part time work or something like the pp have said. Good luck with everything!
These are all really great points!
Is your BIL the boss? Is there another family member that is above him that you could talk to? What are his reasons for wanting to change your position? Are they eliminating it?
As someone who doesn't think she could be a FT SAHM, I see where you are coming from. I am off on Mondays and I love having that extra day with Ben. Ideally, I'd love 2 days at home/3 days in the office...but whatever. My point is, I understand how you feel. I think the volunteer work is a good idea if you decide to SAH and feel like you need something else to stimulate you - outside of the home. But, like the others have said, this time around you'll have a toddler and two newborns. It's going to be a whole new ball game vs. what you went through when Harmon was an infant.
If it were me, and it really was all or nothing, I would probably drag my feet to give him an answer...socking away as much money as possible in the meantime. Then, I'd give my notice and give being home FT a try...even if it's just for the first 6 months and re-evaluate then. I just think with the three kids, it's worth taking a shot at it and I would want to be the one there to care for them (especially the new babies).
Good luck with whatever you decide and let us know!
I'm going to be the odd one out here. I would take the full-time, in-house job and negotiate him down to 40 hours a week.
If you were going insane being a SAHM to one, then I think you'll be REALLY insane with three. But take my opinion for what it's worth - I never, ever want to be a SAHM.
Do you love your job??
i didn't love mine so i quit my career making a darn good living with a masters degree to stay at home and it has been difficult and i'm itching to get back when he starts pre-school. I am a career, goal driven person so I feel i am lacking something for now. If i was in your position there is no way I could stay at home with 3, sorry but one is enough for me. SO I would keep the job and try to negotiate a longer maternity(wah) time + 40 hrs max and find a good nanny in the mean time. If you hated staying at home with just one then I think 3 would totally drive you insane. And you're not being selfish, if working makes you a better, happier mom then you are doing what you should do.
Thanks for all the advice. I wish there was someone besides BIL I could go to. We all joke in the company his nick name is CEA (chief executive a**hole) rather than CEO. I could whine to MIL who probably has the most say but than of course she really I should be a SAHM so I don't think she is of much use. I've got time, I just need to prayerfully decide how to proceed next!
Tess: Why I was a SAHM failure. I think it is b/c I have worked all my life and I am used to being Francisca... employee, leader, boss, co-worker, go-to-girl, etc and suddenly I became Chris' wife, Harmon's mom, and I just felt like this person who I was before was completely lost. I spent the whole day arranging and rearranging things. I was blessed to have close friends in Vegas and that helped but gee I still couldn't feel like myself until I started doing some of the financials for that magician. Than it was like
I started appreciating motherhood more, Harmon and I were both just happier... it was that missing piece.
When I moved here things were worse b/c I didn't and still really don't have any close friends. It was funny b/c I was so bored I wrote a 9 page critique of the family business' marketing scheme just for the heck of it. That is how I got this job.
I'll admit part of me wants to try being a SAHM again or going back to grad school but I'm scared... very very scared! I don't want to lose myself again.
Sar17: I both love and hate my job. Dealing w/BILs all day long and being the only women's voice is hard
. Creating
marketing schemes that are new to here, making steps into the community
and getting our name out, designing the website, seeing sales that are directly started b/c of
my methods, designing office spaces, etc. it is just exciting and very
thrilling. I always feel very proud of what I do. It just makes me happy 
I understand the identity thing. My job has been this huge part of who I am since I was 16yo, and during the year after we got married when I wasn't doing any journalism, I really felt like I was in outer space, even though I was still writing every day. Not having that connection to assignments and deadlines was too weird.
But...I have made a real transition to freelance. It's different. I can't say it's better or worse, but it's different than being in a newsroom every day, answering 11 phones at the same time and living and dying by my police scanner.
I just think you should take into consideration that when you were trying the SAH thing before, you were a new mom. You had a whole hormone thing that could contribute to the lost feeling you were talking about. I'm sure you'll have that again with the pg and subsequently the twins, so I'm not saying you won't experience it again, but do try to remember that it's like jumping into a pool. The cold water is a shock at first, but as you cool down and it warms up, it doesn't just get better, it gets delightful.
Frankly, I think your BIL is stupid to consider scrapping everything you have to offer. If he wants someone for 60hrs, he should hire a pt in-house assistant for you for 20hrs to make up the difference.