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3rd Trimester
Looooong IL/DH vent. This sh!t is ridiculous!
The back story: When I went into labor with DS, the only person we called was my brother because he was going to stay at our house to take care of our dogs, one of whom is epileptic and needs to be given pills twice daily. Brother told Mom, who told Grandma, and so on. We didn't call DH's family because they insisted on being at the hospital for the birth and we (I) didn't want the added stress of having them pacing the halls demanding to see DS as soon as he was born. I really hadn't wanted my family to know I was in labor, either, but I didn't make that clear to my brother. DH's family was and is SUPER bitter about the fact that my mom knew and they didn't, and for some crazy dang reason they choose to "remember" my mom actually being at the hospital with us. Didn't happen, but even if it HAD, we're talking about the mother of the woman in labor vs. the crazy, disrespectful ILs here. Big difference.
Fast forward 2+ years. I thought I was in labor on Friday. DH, who was off work, had planned to drop by his mom's to visit with DS, but called to tell her I *thought* I was in labor so he wouldn't be coming by. This in itself is more info than I ever wanted to give them, but I figured as long as they didn't park themselves at the hospital or call every five minutes for updates it would be okay. Well, DH's mom took that opportunity to lecture him about how she expects to get the same courtesy as we give my family and how he'd better call his sister because she wants to be at the hospital this time -- she (supposedly) won't come into the room, but she wants to be in the waiting room. DH told her we gave them the same info at the same time we gave it to my mom, but of course his mom doesn't believe him. So, he hangs up and starts yelling at ME about how I'm ridiculous about how I don't want his family involved and blah blah blah. Then he demands I text his sis. I told him no. I didn't even know if it was real labor, his mom without a doubt had hung up with him and already called his sister, and I hadn't even told MY sister -- why should I tell his? Then he started harping on me about how I didn't even consider asking his mom to watch DS for us when the baby comes. I told him (for the 1000th time) that I asked my mom because I knew she'd be willing to take a couple of days off work and come stay at our house so DS would be less traumatized than he would be if he were sent to stay elsewhere. No one in DH's family would be willing to stay at our place; they always expect us to bring DS to them. DH continued his tirade and was really, really mean and called me all kinds of nasty things -- while we both thought I was in labor, mind you -- and made me cry. It was ridiculous.
So, we find out at my doc appointment that I had a crazy, very timeable and very stong case of BH. By that point the contrax had been going on for over 12 hours and I was exhausted and sore. We went home and I took a nap. When I got up, I saw DH's phone had a missed alert and picked it up. He had a zillion missed calls from his family and also a text from his brother that had been sent six hours after DH had talked to their mom -- which means that his mom had been complaining all day long about how slighted they were when DS was born. The text said something along the lines of, "I don't understand why you let your wife be like that to mom. You should be glad you have people who give a sh!t about your kids." DH texted him back saying he should get his facts straight before making accusations because I hadn't said anything to their mom. Bro texts back that he knows last time my mom was there and their mom wasn't and blah blah blah. No, douche, you don't know anything because two fvcking days before DS was born DH and I had put up $2k to bail your stupid worthless a$$ out of jail (money that, BTW, he hasn't bothered paying back) because your now ex-wife had made up phoney charges and your mom was about to have a heart attack because no one else had the money to post bail -- so, at the time, you were feeling a bit sorry for yourself and not the least bit aware of what was really going on! He'd just been listening to his ignorant mom make up stories about what happened when DS was born.
ARGH! I'm so freaking pissed about the whole thing! Why, why, WHY can't they understand that (1) we didn't call them OR my mom last time, (2) calling seventeen times to find out what's going on is NOT what someone in labor needs, and (3) I don't want anyone at the hospital because I don't want the added stress of them expecting updates, nor do I want to feel obligated to let them see the baby before I'm ready.
Oh, and to add to the problem, my doc wants to induce me next Monday or Tuesday, which will make it VERY hard for DH to keep his mouth shut and not tell his family what's going on, which means I'll be dealing with this sh!t again in about a week. Please, please, please let this baby come on her own in the middle of the night!
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Re: Looooong IL/DH vent. This sh!t is ridiculous!
I'm only from 2nd tri... but I had to just say that I'm going through the same issues with my FI's family. I told him that his family will have to wait until after DS is born and cleaned up, I am cleaned up and ready, for them to even think about coming near my room. Well, his mother thinks that I'm being mean to her and that I don't like her and that's why I don't want her there, blah blah blah. So, I feel your pain!!
And I don't want to sound mean... but my mother has more of a right to be around than his mother. I am the one going to be in labor, going through the pain, etc... and so my family is "closer" to the pregnancy than his family is. That's just how I feel.
Can't you just have someone call everyone when you go into labor and then give strict orders that they are to wait in the waiting room and that you are not to be distured until you're ready? I would even throw in to call MIL first, and to tell her they're calling her first...it might save you a whole bunch of issues later on.
It's just taking the high road...I think someone on here says "Don't argue with stupid people, they bring you down to their level, and have more experience."
You really don't need this right now. Having a baby is hard enough, never mind juggling two dogs and another child. But on top of that, family drama.
I'm not even sure what to tell you. I keep telling myself some things are out of control and if people find out I'm in labor and show up to the hospital, they can wait in the waiting room for as long as they want. DH has this thing if one set of parents know, then the other set has to know. But, he is on board with us spending time together as a family before letting the masses in from the waiting room. He already said, he'd tell them all that the doctors are cleaning up me, baby, etc. so we can have some time together and the blame isn't on us because it'll be easier.
The stress sucks, but try not to worry about all the bullshit and just take care of #1 -- you and your baby.?
that is pretty ridiculous. I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of drama and stress. so not necessary.
I have opposite issues. My ILs live about a three hour plane ride away. My MIL doesn't want to come until a few weeks after the baby is born and then my FIL will come separately because they don't want to leave their f'ing cat. and FIL isnt' going to come until late Aug or September because the're going to Hawaii in August. yeah. DH is pretty hurt that they're not more excited about this whole thing.
I guess all we can do is remember all of this when we're MILs to our sons' wives!!!
Alright now you all don't jump on me, but, I'm not understanding why one's set of parents are more important then the others. I understand that we the women are going into labor, but we are having DH's child. Shouldn't they be part of the experience as well? And that means involving their parents as well as yours? I mean unless IL's don't want to be there - that's a different story.
I also don't understand why people won't listen when told you don't want them in the room until your ready. It only makes sense and should be easy to understand.
GL with everything.
Yickes, thanks for sharing. I will have to make sure tell DH not to tell anyone that we are actually not telling anyone until after he's born....
People get selfish and forget about other people's feelings. That's what your ILs are doing. You should totally do the same thing and not let it bother you. Just tell DH to deal with his family
I just wanted to say that in my situation, my parents and family have been there for me every single day, while my IL's have not even spoken to me in weeks. My parents have bought the crib/changing table for us, helped with doctors bills, checked on me to make sure I was feeling alright, helped us move into our house, etc... My IL's have done pretty much nothing so far. My MIL has done nothing but criticize me this entire time... telling me my symptoms were crazy and harassing me about having a boy. So, I feel that my parents are more entitled. That's just how I feel.
I understand that. Look, I don't even talk to my IL's LOL. I just know that my DH wishes things were different b/c this is his child also. We don't push the issue with them, we've just accepted that's how it is. I guess I just feel different b/c I know how it is to NOT have IL's involved and how hurtful it has been to DH. My parents are the same as yours - have been involved and helpful and supportive in everyway possible.