Upset with DH, need perspective.

JulyFiveBride · April 2009

I'm still kind of emotional about it, so I don't know if I need to just let it go or if I'm justified in still being upset.

On wednesday nights I have a 3 hour class and DH has youth group. Most weeks DH takes DD to IL's house because it's easier, but on weeks when they are busy, DH can just bring her with him. Last week the ILs couldn't take her, so DH brought DD with him. Then Thursday night we were at MIL's house and we got on the topic of people forgetting babies in the car. I was saying that I watched an episode of law and order the first week Reagan was home about a dad who forgot his DS in the car and he died. DH said "I left DD in the car once for like five minutes." I didn't believe him and was like "no you didn't! When did that happen?" Turns out on Wednesday night he forgot he had her in the car. He always walks around the back of the car and checks the carseat when he gets out of the car, because he was paranoid about doing just that. But he was stressed about the message he was doing that night and was looking at his notes and didn't glance inside the car. He got inside, said hello to everyone, and then remembered DD was in the car. He ran outside and she was still sleeping in her carseat. He was so upset that he cried and he was scared to tell me about it, because he knew I would freak out.

And honestly, I'm still mad at him. I know he's not used to having her in the car and it was an honest mistake. And I know he feels really, really bad about it. I know she wasn't really in danger, because it was a couple minutes and it was like 65-70 degrees outside. But I can't help it, I'm pissed. I can't figure out how he could forget about her. What if it HAD been cold or hot? What if she had woken up and been screaming that whole time? What if it had happened at a store and someone noticed and called the police? There are so many ways it could have ended badly. I told him that I was really upset and that if it had been my mom/MIL/FIL I would tell them that they couldn't take DD in the car anymore. I just don't know how to deal with it. I haven't brought it up to him since Thursday, but everytime I get in the car with DD I think about it and I get emotional all over again. I don't know if I should just accept that it was an honest mistake that won't happen again and drop it or if I have every right to still be angry with him.

J+O · April 2009

I think just as a parent you have a right to be upset. ?That is your child and you were helpless in the situation.?

Thank God nothing happened to your LO and forgive him. ?There really is nothing else you can do. ?That's a difficult situation, I'm sure it will take some time to get over that hurtle.

I would talk to him, tell him you wish he told you sooner... you don't want him keeping things from you.... esp. if it deals with your LO. ?What if your MIL did it and never told you? ?I would be livid.?

chadandamy · April 2009

I can't tell you how to feel but if I were in this situation I would probably still be upset but probably due to being so scared. Honestly, it could happen to anyone. I think it was probably an honest mistake and he is probably beating himself up about it enough for both of you. I am sure that he will never do that again because he has learned a good lesson. I am probably in the minority here and you have every reason in the world to be upset. Like I said, I would be pissed for a while but in time I hope that you will be able to forgive him.

Crazycrustacean · April 2009

Yeah I don't know how I'd handle that one. I'm sorry you have to go through that at all.?

J+O · April 2009

Oh and one time I forgot to buckle DS into his carseat when he was two months old. ?It was winter time so it had the cover over it zipped and I didn't know. ?I drove for 45 minutes like that... I was terrified when I realized what I did. ?I have not made that mistake since... and I cried too. ?DH was upset with me but knew it was a honest mistake.?

stephm0188 · April 2009

I'd let it go. It was once, it was 5 minutes, she is fine, and he's probably so upset about it he'll never do it again.

~AllSmiles~ · April 2009

I understand how hard it must be, but you need to get past it. He didn't do anything intentional and he feels horrible about it. Instead of being angry, try to be thankful instead. He remembered after a few minutes and she was fine. It sounds like he's learned his lesson and you will both probably be super aware now. He deserves you're forgiveness.

LoriFalce · April 2009

It was an honest mistake. He wouldn't do it on purpose.

But HOLY CRAP! I would be piissed enough that it happened, but how the heII does he forget your child in the car, and then not even tell you about it because you MIGHT be upset???

I would love to say, "If it was my husband, I'd..." But I can't. Maybe it's that because we both WAH, we are both full-time caregivers to our son, but I know Matthew would never forget Joseph in a car or anywhere else. He is way too much a part of absolutely everything we do, together or apart. And the times that we aren't together and he is by himself with Joseph, he is hyper aware of everything he does because he knows I'm not there to ask questions or run something past or back him up.

I know it's tempting to say "You can't handle this," but maybe the solution is that he really needs to be responsible for your DD one-on-one more often.

brandonsfuturewife07 · April 2009

he already feels bad enough, please don't make him feel worse. you have a right to be upset, but it could have happened to you just as easily. no one is perfect.

CHS2005 · April 2009

Not sure where, but I have seen alarms for this. I thought about getting one for my mom for a while b/c she is pretty scatter brained at times. Basically, you put a sensor in the car seat and as long as there is a weight (which they assume is your child) on it,??the alarm is on your keys and cannot get further than 15 feet from the base (in the car seat) without going off. Another trick I have been told is to ALWAYS put something you need next to your kid, that way when you go in the back seat to get it before you go inside, you'll see them. -- I am sorry about what happened. I know that is scary

LoriFalce · April 2009

~AllSmiles~:
I understand how hard it must be, but you need to get past it. He didn't do anything intentional and he feels horrible about it. Instead of being angry, try to be thankful instead. He remembered after a few minutes and she was fine. It sounds like he's learned his lesson and you will both probably be super aware now. He deserves you're forgiveness.

The leaving her in the car? Yeah, completely unintentional.

The not telling your wife you did it? That's lying.

chadandamy · April 2009

J+O:
Oh and one time I forgot to buckle DS into his carseat when he was two months old. It was winter time so it had the cover over it zipped and I didn't know. I drove for 45 minutes like that... I was terrified when I realized what I did. I have not made that mistake since... and I cried too. DH was upset with me but knew it was a honest mistake.

Yeah, ds did this once too and I was pissed off at him. I called him careless and dangerous etc. Then, two weeks later I did the same thing! These things happen. It sucks, but we learn from them.

greenqueen11 · April 2009

He seems upset enough with himself already about the fact the incident occured. I don't think you need to continue to be upset with him that it happened. Although it was a mistake you think you'll never make... I'm sure this has taught him his lesson and it won't happen again.

On the other hand, I would be PISSED that he didn't bring this up to me right away. You need to know these things.

chadandamy · April 2009

LoriFalce:

~AllSmiles~:
I understand how hard it must be, but you need to get past it. He didn't do anything intentional and he feels horrible about it. Instead of being angry, try to be thankful instead. He remembered after a few minutes and she was fine. It sounds like he's learned his lesson and you will both probably be super aware now. He deserves you're forgiveness.

The leaving her in the car? Yeah, completely unintentional.

The not telling your wife you did it? That's lying.

He was probably terribly embarassed and ashamed. He did come clean about it. It sounds like it happend on Wednesday and he told her on Thursday. It probably took him a couple of days to chill out enough to talk about it. I am not saying it is right but it isn't like she found out and confronted him later. It sounds like he told her.

JulyFiveBride · April 2009

I have been really good about not beating him up over this. I can tell how mad he is at himself. We talked about it on Thursday and I haven't brought it up again. I was definitely mad that he didn't tell me right away and told him that he can't keep stuff from me. He said he planned on telling me, but didn't know how/when. When the topic came up, he knew he had to say something then, because if he told me later and said he was waiting for the right time, he knew I'd say "what about when we were talking about this at MIL's???" I told him that if something like that happens I deserve to know immediately and even mentioned how furious we would be if MIL did the same thing and didn't tell us until later. It's just such a scary situation.

TheSniglet · April 2009

a couple of nights ago Dh was dressing Ds and looked away for a minute- DS fell off the change table and we spent the night in the ER making sure he was ok (which he is). DH said he could never forgive himself and has been really upset about it. I had told him (before it happened) he must always have a hand on DS and that he was trying to roll off of there. The fact is accidents happen and it sounds like your DH doesn't need you to make him feel bad (he said he was crying and scared to tell you). Next time it may be you that messes up- yup that's right you might look away at the wrong moment. I don't think blaming your DH will help matters. If he thought it was no big deal and was saying- aww no biggie if she gets left she gets left- then ya I would think he needed a talking to- but he feels badly enough already. No one is perfect.

punkfiction · April 2009

brandonsfuturewife07:
he already feels bad enough, please don't make him feel worse. you have a right to be upset, but it could have happened to you just as easily. no one is perfect.

this. he cried. he will never forget that he did that. that is enough to realize - let it go..

MrsGeek · April 2009

I'd let it go since he punished himself. He cried over the whole thing so it's obvious that he's taking it seriously.

~AllSmiles~ · April 2009

LoriFalce:
~AllSmiles~:
I understand how hard it must be, but you need to get past it. He didn't do anything intentional and he feels horrible about it. Instead of being angry, try to be thankful instead. He remembered after a few minutes and she was fine. It sounds like he's learned his lesson and you will both probably be super aware now. He deserves you're forgiveness.

The leaving her in the car? Yeah, completely unintentional.

The not telling your wife you did it? That's lying.

Absolutely! When I said that, I was referring to the leaving her in the car, not him not telling July about it. I should add that I would definitely be mad about him withholding that from you and that he doesn't get to pic and choose what he tells you about DD. I'm guessing she's already done that though.

mrsmatto · April 2009

You're story is one of my biggest fears. I would lose sleep over it for months but I would eventually forgive and move on. Promise yourselves that you will always double check the car seat each and every time you get out of your cars. Be proactive about it and maybe you will feel better.

LoriFalce · April 2009

I would like to point out the fact that everyone is being a lot more understanding about the husband doing this than when this has come up before about a mom doing it. Double standard?

Also, there is the amount of bile that's been spilled in the past about babies rolling off of beds/changing tables/couches, etc., when some fairly sanctimonious people have said, in essence, that only bad mothers allow these things to happen. And yet, a dad does it and everybody is all "Oh, he didn't mean it, cut him some slack."

I'm sorry, but I am going to hold a Dad to the same level of care I'd expect of a Mom.

BrideNamedMeg · April 2009

Mistakes happen to Moms and Dads, no matter how careful you are. If you're human, you're going to make a mistake. I would hope that if I ever made a mistake my DH wouldn't hold it against me and I know I wouldn't hold it against him (and he did make a huge mistake last month that nearly gave me a stroke and I forgave him without hesitation when he expressed his regret sincerely).

If you're really having trouble getting over it, I'd look for a session with a family councelor and go together.

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