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Adoption
Trying to write "Dear BM" letter
can't even start.
I've read a bunch, but they all make me want to vomit.
Tips?
Thanks!
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Re: Trying to write "Dear BM" letter
- write from your heart (think about the first time you will hold your new baby in your arms),
- keep your sentences and word choices simple and straight-forward,
- be specific but don't give naw on details,
- stress what advantages you can provide the child (love is not one of them because she too can love her baby),
- introduce yourselves, how you met, who you are as individuals and as a couple, what type of parents you want to be, what you will provide your child (education, travel, family unity, religion, etc), what brought you to adoption, your extended families - your childhood, and so forth.
I think you really do just have to invision the baby and the first time you hold him/her and then write this letter as if you were reflecting. What would you want to tell that mother if you knew in 9 months that the light of the rest of your life was going to be her child.
Just my opinion. Good luck! I read a letter awhile back where the adoptive mother spent the whole letter, pretty much, describing a cinderlla movie. I thought it sounded odd, weird, and just made me shake my head. They were matched quickly.
You never know what will or won't appeal to a birth family, so just talk from your heart and be you.
yes thats a tough one!
PP gave great suggestions.
make it different somehow so you stand out among the others.
good luck.
I rewrote ours many times because I was making myself gag! LOL
We mentioned our top priorities in life, centering around family. We also disussed how we'd raise our child--values, and with unconditonal love. We did NOT get into details about infertility. But did say that we are thrilled to be building a family through adoption.
We're doing a domestic adoption, and the gal we're matched with said that she liked our statements about open adoption, and how we'd cherish that relationship.
Good luck and have fun . . .giggle . . .
Anyone want to share? I'd love to read one that doesn't make me want to hurl. :-D
Starting it is the hardest part. Eventually you'll get into a "flow" with it. I would work on it for a while, then put it aside for a while. Then I'd be doing something totally different (like the dinner dishes or something) and have a thought pop into my mind, so I'd pull up the Word doc and type it out, go back later to tweak it, find a word I liked better, read it, think about it, sleep on it, read it again, ask a second, third, fourth opinion...
Biggest deal for me in the letter (which we did as a scrapbook, with the first part of the letter in the front and the second part as a "closing thoughts" type of letter at the end, with info and pics in between):
- I refused to address it "dear birthmom/birthdad/birthparent" because they aren't. At the point of looking at profiles, they are expectant parents, not someone who is already committed to an adoption plan. I ended up going with "Dear Friend" b/c it seemed the most generic, but I've heard of some just starting off with a "Hello!"
- I didn't want to "build us up" to sound like we were so much better than the person reading the letter. I didn't want to come across "braggy" about things that we have/do/etc. I also didn't want that to be used as "manipulation" for us being more qualified than she was to raise her baby.
- Straightforward and honest -- tried to write from my heart as best I could w/o being "fluffy" in what I said.
- Emphasised that we fully understood this was not a "done deal" and that we would support and pray for her no matter her decision, whether to place w/ us, another couple, or parent. (Months later, DD's firstmom actually mentioned how this struck a chord with her. Who knew.)
Here's a few bits and pieces from our letter. Sorry it's a little choppy... can't C&P the whole thing for privacy, of course.
ETA: Whoa, ok it didn't like that font! Maybe if you want to let me know your email I can email you what I was trying to post.Good thoughts, all of those.
I would love email:
emily (dot) steve (at) gmail.com
Thanks!
This is the link to our profile/birthmother letter:
https://www.adoptionassociates.net/birthparent/bp_waiting_families/index.php?id=422
If you click on the link that's for "waiting families" you can read every waiting family's birthmother letter.
It will give you lots of ideas!
Awww....thank you! It took many many many rewrites! Probably 15?
We took turns working on it and then our caseworker would read it.
Our letter went through so many re-writes, it is ridiculous. I tried to put myself in the shoes of a girl/woman making the biggest decision of her life and see how our words would come across. Our letter continues to be a work in progress, every time our agency requests a new batch of profiles, I edit the letter and change a couple pictures. I think we come across better in real life then any words could convey, so I hope it is enough to get us to an in person meet at some point. We also made a short video, we did a tour of our house and in each room talked about what that would mean as a family (Dining room for family dinners and homework...Office is where we keep all our books and hope it to be a valuable resource in kid's future education, etc.). It's hard to show who you are in the constraints of what is deemed letter/profile appropriate, but I think we did a pretty good job.
P.S. many in the adoption world think the abbreviation "BM" is a big no-no because BM can also = bowel movement...I just don't want you to get verbally beat up for perceived rudeness...it seems bmom is ok
I'm actually going to take some advice from up there and address it "Dear Expectant Mother" or something similar so that it's at least accurate.
I've never heard of doing a video. That's a good idea.
Art Teacher - good letter. I took notes :-)
I actually got some suggestions on my blog just the other day from a birth mother. She said that although it's nice to list info on yourself, to not think of it as a resume. It's already a given that you are "qualified" to parent, so don't look at it as trying to list all the reasons that you are going to be good parents. She said that is already a given; you have obviously prepared and want a baby...which makes you two steps ahead of them. She said to list basic info on yourself and then talk about what you like to do; what traditions and memories do you have and plan to share with the kids. She said, more than anything, birth mothers are looking to connect with the family. They want to see what you are about; not what you do (job) and have. They want to know what you love; do you do movie nights, have a secret family recipe, host family game nights?
It made me totally rethink our letter and I actually just sent a revision to our SW based on her comments.
Something else that we had that my SW said she hadn't seen and thought it was a great idea was a section we called "How We Will Parent." It's a single sentence summary with a couple of sentences following expounding upon it for their review; kind of like what we promise to teach/values we are going to follow.
I would be glad to share with you. I'm going to look back through here and find your email and send to you.
Good luck! I know it's tough to put into words...and there's no pressure, right.
Erica
I agree this was a tough process.
We also included some brief description of our travels, where we have been, where we want to go with a child. Our BM really liked this. We also talked about things we did as kids that we want to share- ballet lessons, little league, etc. Many BMs want to feel like you will be engaged parents offering the extras that they feel they cannot provide.
I hate hate hate the staged awful photos that some profiles have. Our photos are real....warts and all. We wanted to protray us in our silliness, with our pets, with our family and friends and share how that child would fit into our whole family's life.
It must have been a good profile because we were matched in less than 4 months.
Hi!
I am a "BM" (yes, I agree with PP - this at first made me think bowel movement!! LOL), and I lurk here since I have gone through an open adoption and am interested in helping people on this board.
Anywhoo, I just read Erica's post above (Mom's Getting Married), and I really liked everything that she posted. I echo her statement that at this point, potential birth mothers know that you are qualified to parent based on all the screening and work that you go through on your end. What I was interested in learning about was their life - what they like to do on vacation, if they have a big family or a small one, what they do for holidays, their own hobbies and stuff that they're involved with.
For my boyfriend (at the time) and I, we were also interested in their religious background - this isn't necessarily something I think that you need in your letter - but it came up in the profile that we ended up selecting. It was important to us, but may not be to others. I didn't expect to see it in the profile.
What made the profile of the people that we chose stand out was great pictures of them having fun on vacations (they were really into stuff that my boyfriend and I liked as well - camping and hiking, etc), and hanging out with family and just having a lot of fun. We could easily envision our child right there in the photos with them. It was really written from the heart and was a truly honest representation of who they were. When we met them, their style of conversation and the stuff they talked about was exactly the same as their letter, which was also very important.
The final thing I want to address is the opening - there were comments above whether to say "Dear Birth Mother" and so on. I know it's not frequent, but my boyfriend (my son's father) was also very involved in our decision. I would NOT suggest to say "Dear Birth Parents" or anything like that - but a generic "Hello" is perfect.
I am starting to ramble here - but please feel free to PM me or email me if any of you have questions for a birth mother! My son is 10 now, and we have a complete open adoption - we see each other several times a year, and he calls me whenever he feels like chatting. I am happy to answer questions or just tell you about my experience!
jewel_hamilton (at) yahoo (dot) com
Good luck!