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Need input and advice (long)
So Step MIL is a pill...I am having a VERY difficult time w/ her.... DH and I have had a talk w/ her and nothing changed...so we sent her an email so that it was all in black and white....she has not responded...WDYT? The latest is she just emailed me to say she will not be coming to the twin's 1st bday party- she would rather go to a baseball game. (her exact words)
Here is a copy of the email (I have deleted names to provide privacy)
Step MIL-
I wanted to clear the air on a few issues so that we can have a more positive and friendly relationship going forward. It is important to me that we have a good relationship. I really enjoy having conversations with you about spiritual things and it's nice to have that in common.
First off, I struggle with some things regarding your lack of effort as a grandparent. There have been many times where you have chosen to do other things rather than do the "grandma" role. You completely ignored the invite to my baby shower and you were in town during the shower, but rather you chose to attend a football game, and you chose to attend a football game instead of Sam's second birthday party, and did not attend or even respond to invites to Sam's dedication, as well as, Zach & Maddie's dedication. Not only do I completely disagree with your choices to forgo these important events but what bothers me is that a football game was more important than these events and you could have at least stopped by. It also bothers me that we had to persuade you to come to Sam's first birthday party. I am frustrated because if you really want to be an important part in our children's lives, you should make a greater effort to attend these events, not necessarily all of them since I know the distance does not make this possible. In the future, I ask that you make a greater effort and place priority and attend important milestones.
Another issue I have a difficult time with is the harshness in which you speak to me. I find it disrespectful. A recent example of this was when I was having a conversation with "friend" about making baby food?and you said "well, SNL0605, she has a job." Although I do not work outside the home, I have three little children and work harder than most people do with normal jobs, and even when I worked 12 hours shifts and nights, I still found the time to make his food. I found your tone disrespectful throughout the night when Mr and Mrs Friend were at your house and I felt you went out of way to make me look wrong (the discussion about the hash, when you said "you are DEAD wrong!" "you couldn't' be more wrong"). I know you and I obviously have different ways of expressing ourselves, but I feel that you can be harsh and disrespectful of my thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
Another example was at Sam's first birthday party when you said you didn't agree with the size of the party. I found it rude and out of line for you to say this to me after I had put so much time, effort and consideration into Sam's birthday party. I worked very hard for that day to be just right. I felt this comment was inappropriate especially in front of other guests. I know we both have different levels of what we think is appropriate but I am asking you to please be respectful of my boundaries.
The final issue I'd like to make clear are some guidelines regarding my children. I do not allow my mother, MIL, or anyone else to discipline my children AFTER I have already done so, so I ask you please not to do so. An example of this would be last summer when we were at your home; Samuel was only 9 months old and was beginning to crawl. He moved towards a photo you had down on the floor, and after I turned and redirected him, you still yelled from the kitchen for him to stay away. This was not necessary since I had taken control of the situation. You later followed this up with comments about how we discipline in front of other people, something along the lines of "yeah, well they don't tell him no and mean it" and "you don't make sure he knows you mean no!" In the future I will ask that you refrain from making such comments since we will discipline our children the way that works for us. If we are not there to discipline the children, we would expect you to follow through with our discipline methods.
More than anything, I want us to have a healthy relationship and I think we can now that I have said what I need to. I ask that you do not share this with other friends and family members as this is between you and me and if it is shared it would only create more issues. I also am sending this email with the position that once I know you have received it; I am choosing to let all of this go. I would like to start anew. I am choosing to no longer hold onto these things. I have discussed this with my DH and he is supporting me in this letter as he understands how important this is to me. He has chosen to stay out of these issues in the past, but has decided to support me and will be involved if there are future issues.
SNL0605
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need input and advice (long)
yes, her husband- FIL is VERY involved...it is his number 1 priority to be involved in their lives. I agree its her loss...(and frankly, I'd like it if she wasnt involved in our lives period). I just find it so hurtful when she does these things- especially since I know my kids will someday be hurt by her 'lack of intrest"
Wow. She sounds like a piece of work. Honestly Linds, I don't think you will ever have a healthy relationship with her. All you can do is accept her for who she is and take her for what she is worth. My sister's husband is VERY similar to what you described (family is not a big thing for him and he won't attend events).
How does your FIL handle her absences from events? Does he attend if she doesn't? Did she ever have any kids of her own or is she completely clueless on that account?
My biggest peice of advice is that it sounds like you have been bottling things up for a couple of years (down to the detail). Now that you have let it out I would let it go. Pray for her and hope that she finds what is truly important in life.
How does your FIL handle her absences from events? he comes without her
Did she ever have any kids of her own or is she completely clueless on that account? she has three kids, they have very little to do w/ her b/c of the same issues
Im trying really hard to let it go...I have to admit- I suck at it...I am a person who holds onto things- I wish that I wasnt- I want to change that about myself soooooooo bad.
Yup, it's that mama bear thing isn't it?! You just want to protect your kids and not see them hurt. I'm so glad that your fil is involved, could your dh talk with him about how much it hurts that she can't be involved with them? These ball games that she goes to...are they like professional games or are her children (assuming she has any) playing in them?
Hopefully, your children will have a full life with the family they have around them and not even notice that she's a pita and can't be bothered. I also hope that someday she realizes her loss and that it's not too late to get her family back.
professional games (MN vikings/MN twins)
I am going to give it my all girls- I have to let this go...thanks for letting me vent and for the advice
I am so sorry this is something you have to experience. I can tell how badly you want to have a relationship with your MIL and how much you want her to be involved in your children's lives. Unfortunately, if this is how she is with her own children I don't think she will change.
I agree that you are going to have to let it go like you said. I can't imagine how hard this will be -- but in the end it will probably be for the best. I'm sure you would rather be surprised when she shows up vs. disappointed yet again after hoping she'd make it (I hope that makes sense). Sounds like you will not be able to change her so you have to learn to live with her just the way she is.
It sounds like you have a wonderful FIL and DH -- 2 out of 3 isn't bad
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Families su*k sometimes. My advice is you laid it out there, now it's up to her to do with it what she wants. Sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and walk away. Not the FIL but the step MIL.
We had to do that with DH's sister. It all started around when we were getting married, ie the attention wasn't on her anymore, etc. Needless to say she has alienated herself, her DH, and their children from the entire family. No one has seen or spoken to them in almost 2 years. It's sad and I know it hurts my DH because he always thought she'd be Godmother to our children but it is what it is and frankly we were done with the drama and mistreatment.
Hopefully you'll find peace in knowing that you were open and honest with your Step MIL and tried you best at reconciling.
On a side note - is your MIL (I'm assuming you FIL's ex) attending these events? Could it be that she has issues with seeing your MIL and may act out of being uncomfortable around her?
My two cents since you are asking for advice
I think the letter is cathartic to you and I would keep it- but I wouldn't send it. You can't convince someone who has a long history of selfishness 'to not be selfish' in a letter. She knows what she has done and a timeline just serves as a reminder of sour grapes (not that you are not justified, of course)
You can't force a healthy relationship, but you can wash your hands of adding fuel to the fire, by giving her opportunities to change (if you want to) by inviting as you do now and letting go of her sour past.
I have a relative I feel this way about....and her relationship is important to me, too. I have told myself, although it is hard to forget, that it is not productive to bring up the past-and I never have. If she chooses to participate she is welcomed and if she chooses not to participate-that is okay too. But the past is the past; I can't dwell on the past if I want a different future.
nope I know its not b/c of mil vs step mil issues...they have no issues w/ each other...
ah well, i guess I will cut my losses or is it count my losses? and just keep praying I learn how to let it go. Thanks gals
I didn't grasp that the email was sent-should read a little closer. But being in a similar situation I understand. Keep being inviting like you are -since it is important to you- and hope that she overcomes her selfishness. Your FIL sounds wonderful-he is certainly his own person if he continues to come regardless if she comes or not.