What do you know/think about adopting out of birth order?

Re: What do you know/think about adopting out of birth order?

• come*on*baby

  April 2009

  MayDayGirl:

  DH and I are becoming foster parents.  The goal of the organization is NOT meant for people who want to adopt through it.  The hope is every single child placed in a home will eventually return to their bio families.

  that's the goal of every organization, not just that particular one.

  and I personally see nothing wrong with adopting out of birth order if your biological child is young, like yours. However, if your child was 5 and you adopted a 9 year old, I don't know how I would feel about that. Most of the foster parents I'm friends with all have older bio children before adopting their foster children.
  

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• MayDayGirl member

  April 2009

  come*on*baby:

  MayDayGirl:

  DH and I are becoming foster parents.  The goal of the organization is NOT meant for people who want to adopt through it.  The hope is every single child placed in a home will eventually return to their bio families.

  that's the goal of every organization, not just that particular one.

  
  

  oh I know I just feel the need to clarify that this program (since it's not through the state) has the best of intentions, as do we... I would never want anyone to mis-read my thoughts of adoption as the intent for doing it.
  

  Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF
  

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• jewele803

  April 2009

  I'm not so sure about this as far as foster to adopt...but in our scenario (domestic infant adoption), we were told that BM's often request that their child be the first child and may not be as open to placing a baby that will be the families second child.  I don't know if this would possibly translate into foster to adopt as well? 

   We were just cautioned that the adoption a second child could taken more time!

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• MyColonyNJ

  April 2009

  Well, in our case - if Lil J sticks around and we adopt him, we will be adopting out of birth order. 

  I personally don't think it is a big deal ever, not just when bio kids are really young.  The way that I look at it is that if a child is older, they can understand WHY these kids are brought into your home and hopefully understand that there is more than enough love to go around and that we are helping not only the child, but our family as a whole

  
  My Blog

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• candm

  April 2009

  I have known way too many families successfully adopting out of birth order from our kids' O to be majorly concerned. I think it's wise to read the literature/reasoning for the advice, but to take it with a grain of salt.
  

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• jacksjerseygirl member

  April 2009

  I think this article places some of the concerns with adopting out of birth order in a more positive and productive light. I am not a fan of adopting out of birth order but as Candm said it can work - I'm not sure taking it with a grain of salt is appropriate as this is a very serious issue that could very much effect the children already in the home as well as the child coming into the home: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=814

  Good luck!

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• Sally J member

  April 2009

  I would recommend doing some research on the topic.  I can tell you my experience...

  I gave birth to my DS, so he was my first born and we saw him as the oldest child...the big brother who would take care of his siblings.  Then we found out about my DD and that we could adopt her.  She came home when my DS was 3.5 months old, but she was 7.5 months old (so 4 months older).  I can say that I went through an adjustment period of now seeing my DD as the oldest and my DS as the baby, even though technically my DS was my first and my DD was my second. 

  Without realizing it we do treat them according to their birth order, mostly because of our expectations of the future.  Now we see them more as twins, but we definitely expect our DD to do more since she is older.  My DS sometimes acts like the baby and is more submissive to my DD.

  

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• CaptainSerious member

  April 2009

  Let me start out by saying that I don't think anything in the world of adoptions--or families in general--is black and white.  I think much of the literature is out there to warn us about possible problems, and to help us recognizes potential problems brewing, more than to use as hard and fast rules for building our families.

  That being said, I think most of the responses here only address one of the concerns of adopting out of birth order--the fact that it might be a more difficult adjustment for the family's children and that it can result in hurt feelings and a shifting of their sense of "place" within a family.  I think there's another consideration that should be weighed, especially when adopting from foster care--namely, the fact that evidence shows that children who have been abused will often act out similar behaviors on younger children.

  I'm in no way saying that if you adopt a child from foster care that they will have been abused or that if that child has been abused that they will abuse the children already in your home.  There are many people who have adopted out of birth order from foster care with stellar results.  BUT, it is a possibility, and one that you should be aware of before making your decision.  That way, if you do chose to adopt an older child from foster care, you can be mindful of his past situation and keep an eye out for troubling signs.

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• candm

  April 2009

  CaptainSerious:

  That being said, I think most of the responses here only address one of the concerns of adopting out of birth order--the fact that it might be a more difficult adjustment for the family's children and that it can result in hurt feelings and a shifting of their sense of "place" within a family.  I think there's another consideration that should be weighed, especially when adopting from foster care--namely, the fact that evidence shows that children who have been abused will often act out similar behaviors on younger children.

  I'm in no way saying that if you adopt a child from foster care that they will have been abused or that if that child has been abused that they will abuse the children already in your home.  There are many people who have adopted out of birth order from foster care with stellar results.  BUT, it is a possibility, and one that you should be aware of before making your decision.  That way, if you do chose to adopt an older child from foster care, you can be mindful of his past situation and keep an eye out for troubling signs.

  CS,sad as it is that is the #1 reason DH and I switched from DA (which was our original wish) to IA. The risk is still there with IA, but we feel that with the country we've chosen the risk is substantially lower.
  

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• 517butterfly

  April 2009

  CaptainSerious:

  Let me start out by saying that I don't think anything in the world of adoptions--or families in general--is black and white.  I think much of the literature is out there to warn us about possible problems, and to help us recognizes potential problems brewing, more than to use as hard and fast rules for building our families.

  That being said, I think most of the responses here only address one of the concerns of adopting out of birth order--the fact that it might be a more difficult adjustment for the family's children and that it can result in hurt feelings and a shifting of their sense of "place" within a family.  I think there's another consideration that should be weighed, especially when adopting from foster care--namely, the fact that evidence shows that children who have been abused will often act out similar behaviors on younger children.

  I'm in no way saying that if you adopt a child from foster care that they will have been abused or that if that child has been abused that they will abuse the children already in your home.  There are many people who have adopted out of birth order from foster care with stellar results.  BUT, it is a possibility, and one that you should be aware of before making your decision.  That way, if you do chose to adopt an older child from foster care, you can be mindful of his past situation and keep an eye out for troubling signs.

  Ditto CS.

   

  

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