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Our first baby, his second.... is it still special? Kind of a rant, sorry.
My husband and I are expecting our first baby on Thankgiving Day. He already has a 5 year old son who we have 50/50 custody of.
I know my hormones are way out of whack right now but I don't feel like my husband is excited about the baby at all. He never talks about it, never asks me how I feel or when doctors appointments are or anything. I have had one appointment and he went but has not asked me when the next one is. Maybe he is waiting for me to tell him but it would be nice for him to show some interest. In fact, I have been having a pain in my side that I wanted to get checked out. My husband doesn't think it's necessary for me to get it looked at because he thinks I am making it up in my mind. I just feel like I am super excited because this is my first and it's just not special to him and/or he doesn't care.
There have been several times when I am talking about the pregnancy or baby to other people and he brings up what happened with this ex-girlfriend when his son was born or when she was pregnant with him. For instance, I was joking how I am going to need maternity pants. And he said, 'no you won't 'she' didn't need them because 'she' wore her pants low enough so you probably won't either'. I don't want everything I do to have to be how she did it or compared to how she did it. I don't know why he has to compare everything that happens with us to what happened when his first son was born. It's really bringing me down.
And he's not the only one who does it. His parents and sister do it too. I had to hear about all of the names 'she' had picked out for their son. I'm just sick of it! Like I said, I know I am emotional so that is a big part of it. I just want this to be a happy time but I feel all alone, like I am the only one who's excited.
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Re: Our first baby, his second.... is it still special? Kind of a rant, sorry.
I would sit DH down and explain exactly what you've told us... that you feel like you're playing second fiddle to his experience. Remind him that this is new and exciting for you, and that you would like him to experience this child with you, not as a reminder of a previous relationship. I'm sure he's happy to relive the pregnancy that gave him his son, so offer him that opportunity, too... but ask him to be present in this 9 months with you.
Congratulations to you! H&H 9 months!
Yes, yes, yes! Your baby is still special!
Have you told him how you feel? That would be the first step. Also, men are men...he may not realize that his actions are bothering you. And when his parents and sister do this, you may want to interject that you will be coming up with your own names, etc. Don't be snarky, just matter of fact. They may not realize that they are doing this. People tend to rely on their past experiences because that is the only time they have dealt with a situation.
And yes, hormones do play a part. ;-)
Does some of this just fit DH's personality? Mine wasn't interested in doctor appts, just wanted to see the ultrasounds. But other than that he never came and didn't see a need to. But that is my DH, he didn't go to all of his ex's appts, he just doesn't get it. He made a few comments, I think only when I seemed "weaker" than his ex. Like I was sick for 20 weeks, puking all the time and basically lying down if I was not at work. She apparently was not sick. But also didn't work so she was lying down all the time too, just also eating.
I'm not sure how "special" the pregnancy itself was to DH, but I think that had to do with the fact that I was the one experiencing everything, it's my body, not his. He did go to the birthing classes with me (which he had not done before) and also was with me for labor and delivery (he was deployed for his daughter's). So he did still get firsts. And even though DS is not his first, he is still very special to my DH. It's also nice for him having a child that he has full control over. He doesn't need to fight with a woman over the phone, or have judges tell him what's good. He just needs to argue in the bed : ) and knows we have similar beliefs on what to do.
Are you sure he wasn't like this with his ex, too? I'm sure the commentary is different, obviously but did he go to her OB appointments or that sort of thing?
What kind of father is he to his son?
Click me, click me!
I know he went to her appointments because we go to the same doctors office. So he had to tell me all about that.
He is a great father to his son. Like I said, we have 50/50 custody and he is very close to his son. My step-son and I also have a close relationship.
The very first thing you have to do is TALK TO HIM.
Let me tell you, this was the MAIN REASON why I never wanted to marry a man who already had kids. I was very open with DH about that before we even got married - that I wanted a child and that I NEVER wanted to hear comparisons.
He has been very good at never comparing me to his ex. He has been wonderful at being a participative parent. The only thing we have a problem with is our differing parenting views. Becuase he has done this before (and it worked in his opinon) he feels his ideas hold more merit.
We WORK those moments out with communication.
Thanks everyone! I will talk to him tonight.
SUwife, that was great insight saying that he will not have to fight for this baby.
Take care!
You have to keep in mind that pregnancy is an internal experience for a woman. We are concious of everything that happens inside of our bodies. We think pregnant from the moment we find out until the moment we pop. Everything we do is to maintain a healthy pregnancy.
For a man, it's quite external. It's not happening to them. And they don't have the changing hormones that women have. While I think you are perfectly in the right to ask him to stop comparing your pregnancy to his first wife's, I'm not sure you'll be able to make your internal experience his. Just because he went to the dr's with her, doesn't mean they had warm fuzzied discussions about the baby ir that he was intuitive about asking her how she was feeling and worried about every little twinge. It's quite possible he was just as underwhelmed by her pregnancy as he seems to be with yours.
I think what's important (after you tell him to quit yammering on about his ex) is to focus on the role you expect him to play in helping to care for the baby. Pregnancy is only nine months long and there isn't much he can do right now. But a baby is a lifetime. If he's willing to help diaper, wake up for feedings and be an active and involved father once the baby is here, I'd be alot less worried about him not asking alot of questions after OB appointments.
I mean I have two kids and I didn't find the OB appointments to be all that discussion worthy. Unless we wanted to talk about how much fatter my ass had gotten, the numbers on the heartbeat or other things that really didn't excite me. If you wanted to get me going when I was pregnant, discussing baby clothes and strollers was much more interesting.
Of course, you can also tell him what he can do to make you feel like he's interested. Do you need him to rub your back, make dinner, go pick you up the sandwich you're craving? Ask him. Men aren't mind readers simply because they're swimmers are working.
Click me, click me!
Maybe my story will make you feel a little better. I married DH with b/g twins (who I love dearly and am close with). We found out WE were having twins shortly after getting married so not only did I have to hear about BM twin pregnancy, but he wanted to pass EVERYTHING down to my set. I had the pressure of carrying the twins to 39 weeks like he boasted about BM & how she exclusively breast fed both of them for 1 year. I carried 39 weeks but only breast fed for 6 months--so she wins.
It drove me absolutely nuts cause I wanted to feel special about having twins and he'd already been there. When they were little, he gave me tips on how to handle two babies, etc... and it caused many fights. I held alot of my feelings inside because I didn't want to seem jeleous, but I should have sat him down at the time and told him how I felt. I did later, and he had no clue how I felt. He thought he was trying to help (cause guys are so practical) so I wouldn't struggle with stuff. I now try to see it as a plus that he's raised twins before (well their only 7) and use it to my advantage in raising our twins. His history is what it is and aprt of him and I cant change that. He is more sensitive about specific details and keeps to himself, but he is really helping me deal with my active toddlers! Talk to him!
RSVP Date: 2/28/2011
You need to talk with him and tell him how you are feeling, and what you expect from him.
Even men who haven't had any kids, don't feel connected to the pg when it is as early as you are. Hopefully, he will get more excited as you start to show and he can feel the baby move and be a bigger part of it such as painting the room, shopping, ect.
I do think that a good part of this is hormones. You are only 6 weeks along. He has a long time to get involved. For many men, the pg does not feel real until they can see your big ol belly and feel the baby move. And for some it's not real until the baby actually arrives.
You should talk to him about the comparisons if they bother you, but for the rest of his family maybe just say "well, every pregnancy is different" and try to let it go.