Feeling unappreciated...
I guess this is a little bit of a vent. I just need to get it off my chest.
So DH and I agreed that while I SAH, the house and kids are my responsibility, he goes to work to make the $. So I do absolutely everything at home. I do all cleaning, cooking, shopping, social planning, bill-paying, financial management, phone calls and webcam with DD back home to both of our families, kid-tending, plus errands for him like drycleaning and pharmacy. He doesn't so much as pick up his dirty clothes from wherever he happens to take them off. I empty his pants pockets. I pick up the tissues he drops all over the house. I pick up the countless messes he makes everywhere he goes. (He's a giant slob.) You get the picture. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't really even help with DD in the evenings. I do bath, dinner cleanup, playtime, bedtime, everything, every night. Once or twice a week he may do dinner dishes (which is pretty much plates and forks since I wash as I go). Once every couple of weeks he may watch DD in the bath after I've washed her hair, if I ask him to.
He *says* he appreciates what I do, but his actions say otherwise. For example, he complains about the tiniest thing that doesn't get done on time or done the way he wants. Also, when I do specifically ask him for help with something, often times (not always) he'll put off doing it, or complain about doing it. I just don't think he comprehends what it really takes to do this job, so how could he possibly appreciate it? And we all know that toddlers don't exactly exude gratitude for their mommies!
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I keep reading about all these great DH's on this board who spend time with their DCs in the evenings, or on weekends so the mom's can do stuff for themselves, and that doesn't happen for me. I'm so jealous of that ! It also doesn't help that we live away from all of our family and friends, so I don't ever get any extra help from them. Boo, poor me! 
He's a great husband otherwise and DD is crazy about him, so I should just count my blessings. Thanks for reading, if you got this far!
Re: Feeling unappreciated...
Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
Claire Zoe, 10.26.10
My heart goes out to you. I think all moms feel unappreciated sometimes and it's especially hard if you are the one who has to do everything. I just wish there was a way for guys to really see what it's like to do all that we do. I'm actually going away this weekend for a retreat with my moms group from church. It'll be the first time dh has had a weekend alone with the kids - I can pretty much guarantee that he will #1 Have his mom or someone else over to help and #2 The house will be trashed when I get home. Of course I don't know if it'll fully sink in how much I do, but I'm hoping that he'll at least get a tiny peek at what it's like and why I'm so exhausted at the end of the day.
I wish you luck with dh! Hugs!
i know exactly how you feel! i think i do 95% of everything childcare plus 100% of everything else that you listed. it's hard not to feel unappreciated...it really is hard work. i always remind dh that from the second that dd wakes up at 7am until about 8pm at night i am constantly on the go and WORKING! i can barely use the bathroom w/o dd following me and wanting me to hold her on my lap!
anyways -- i think you should have your dh handle bath time. i used to give dd her baths during the day but decided that dh should do it from now on. after we eat dinner, dh will get her bath ready and put her to sleep while i clean up all of the dishes, wipe down her chair, and do all of the dishes. he does bath, change, books, bottle and then bed.
also i know everyone suggest this but i really i think you should go out for a whole day....maybe even this weekend. leave early in the morning and do NOT come back until at least 5pm. you really need a day to yourself!!! i am going out this saturday to get my hair done (haven't gone in a year - sad i know) and have lunch w/a friend.
also i am real big neat freak so i am constantly cleaning all day long and picking things up but then i realized that keeping the house in perfect order does NOT help dh realize how much hard work a sahm is....so on some days i won't pick up after dd and when dh comes home and sees the tornado of a mess all over the house....he is much more appreciative!!
hehehe. try it!
It's not so much that I feel like I need 'me' time - DD goes to daycare one day a week, and I have plenty of down time during the day when she's napping. I think it just bugs me that he is so unwilling to take responsibility for her for any part of the day. Last night I asked him to play with her after dinner for 15 minutes while I cleaned up dinner, to keep her out of my way in the kitchen. Just 15 minutes! He made it to about 5 or 10 minutes and then was on the computer, ignoring her, so she wandered into the kitchen, where she got into all sorts of things she wasn't allowed to, so ended up in a tantrum. Just unnecessary! It made me so mad. I didn't think I was really asking for that much. I think he just doesn't realize... he's wonderful with her and she's crazy about him, I think it's just that he refuses to take full responsibility for her at any time, because he considers it my job - the buck stops with me, KWIM? Anyway, thanks for all the responses - at least I feel appreciated by fellow moms!
Ouch. And you're having another baby with him? You need to nip this in the bud unless you want to be a "married single parent" for the rest of your life.
I don't think this is an issue of appreciation, I think he misunderstands your arrangement. Having a wife who stays home doesn't mean he is absolved from parenting altogether. Have a frank conversation with him about what you need from him. Be specific and try to keep an even temper.
Picking up his tissues? Clothes dropped all over the floor? Refusing to interact with his child? Oh, hell no. He's not behaving like a husband and father, he's acting like a child himself. Feel free to show him this post!
Good luck!
yeah that. a lot. It sounds like he has zero interest in being a father. his kids are going to grow up knowing that their father is just the random guy in the other room who has no time for them. nice.
I think this is a little harsh. I think a lot of Dads have a hard time "connecting" with babies. I'm sure he'll find it easier to play with her as she gets older.
As far as the housework goes, I dunno, but I don't think his current level of disinterest means he won't ever be a good Dad.
honestly- you just need to 'assign' him a task. Baths are usually the easiest and fun. that is 'their' time together. you will just need to communicate how are you are feeling to him and make certain time 'family time' and sit on the floor and the three of you play.
for me- the picking up after DH wouldn't fly. I am his wife, not his mom too. My DH is no where near a neat freak- however i do get on him to pick up after himself. I am a mom and his wife. not his maid. however I do clean up after him a good bit.
First off I think you're amazing. WOW!!!
I think he's taking you for granted because you make it seem so effortless. You do everything for the man and beyond. You even clean out his pant pockets. Wow! If you took care of me like this I would take you for granted. It's just human nature.
He has a 5 day a week job right? you work 7 days a week? Not fair. So if you both SHARED the 2 days you both have off, it would balance things out. Sit him down and talk to him. Parenting is the responsibility of both parents and it doesn't include working in or out of the work. Good Luck!
Hi there!
I read all the replies and I agree with little pieces of all of them:
*It's hard for new dad's to connect, some take a lot longer than others, and for some, it comes across as complete disinterest. It seems to me that he's just not connected to his ROLE as a dad, what it means to be a DAD in YOUR family (something you will have to help him understand), how he needs to care for her/interract with her/help you with her.
*Some spouses have a distorted view of what a SAH parent means exactly, which is why I think a lot of the PPs suggested you take some time for yourself. It was suggested not because you need "me" time, but because your DH NEEDS an entire day with his daughter without anyone's help so that he is forced to give her his undivided attention: to care for her, provide for her, interract with her and truly "get it" from your perspective. No one knows what it's like to be you until they walk in your shoes... your DH needs to SAH with her for a multitude of reasons but mostly so he can bond with her which will help in other things falling into place.
*As much as you love your role, it seems you are taking on an unrealistic workload that will wear you down and seems to already be making you resentful. Maybe you could try harder to give HIM some chores, especially picking up after himself... YOU ARE NOT THE MAID nor his mother and I personally just feel he's being really disrespectful towards you.
Not all relationships are 50/50 when it comes to work and chores but it seems he needs to take on a bit more of your housework.
Very best of luck with this... don't let it fester, be honest and don't give up until he gives in at least a tad!
You are not alone, it's hard to shift into these parenting roles!
eclaire 9.10.06 diggy 6.2.11
While I get that dad's might have trouble connecting with a baby, the lilone's DD is 18mo! That's a FUN age, not a what-do-I-do-with-this-crying-pooping-blob-age.
Send them out to play in the yard or go to the local park. And have him do bathtime. I'd make it more about spending time with his DD than about appreciating you (though you certainly deserve that too). The more time he spends with DD the more he'll appreciate how hard that must be to do all day.
As for learning to appreciate the cleaning fairy that magically takes care of his every mess and need.... sorry, no advice from me. But you and the situation you described are a poster-child for why womens' lib was such a big and successful movement.