Adoption

How can I keep from getting attached to the idea of parenting a specific child?

We are reviewing the file of a particular little girl on Peru's waiting children list.  So far, it seems like such a good match.  She is in relatively good health, but would need minor surgery after we'd bring her home and stabilize her.  We won't make any decision until we get the file translated and reviewed by a doctor specializing in international adoptions.

Here's the thing:  there is no guarantee that if we request to parent her, we will be granted the referral.  If the Peruvian agency feels that we aren't the right match, they will not allow us to parent her.  This is most likely to happen if their is another family that also requests the referral and the agency feels they are a better match.

The agency meets about once monthly to match children with families.  The little girl first appeared on the list in February, and her updated file was not available to us (or others) until last week.  We've noticed that for the less severe medical/psychological/developmental cases, or the "easier to place" cases, there are usually two or more families requesting the referral within the first month or two.  Which means if we request to parent her, it's just as likely that we would be granted the referral as denied it.

At this point, our dossier is still being translated, and we won't be able to request the referral until it is submitted to the agency.  As I mentioned, we are also waiting for the girl's file to be translated (to make sure our understanding of everything in it is absolutely accurate) and for a medical review of that file.  We know we stand to loose our chance to parent her if another family (who is more ready) requests her first.  And we could always be denied outright, if the agency has reservations.

I can mostly keep my emotions in check right now, but the idea that this little girl might be our daughter is growing on me.  I am trying really hard not to let it affect our decisions or rush our process.  What I know I'll have difficulty with is not getting attached to the idea of her while we are waiting for a decision.

How in the world could I keep from dreaming of her joining our family after I've asked for permission to parent her?  And, if somehow I do, what kind of emotional wallop will that have in store for me if we are grated the referral...and I only have a couple of weeks before going to meet her?

Any ideas would be most welcome, as I am lost trying to figure out how much to let myself feel.  This is all so surreal and heart wrenching.  I want to just open up my heart to her now, but I fear the anguish that will come if we are denied.

Re: How can I keep from getting attached to the idea of parenting a specific child?

  • I have no advice, but I'm excited for you being so far along and for finding a child that you would like to parent.  If this one is meant to be yours it will be.  I know that's not much of a consolation, but if this isn't meant to be your child, it's only because somewhere there's another child that is meant to be yours.  I know it's cliche, but cliches exist for a reason, right?
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  • Wow! How exciting! I don't have any idea how you would keep from envisioning her as part of your family because I know I couldn't. Sometimes you just need to follow your gut instincts, and know that without great risk, there isn't great reward. Just stay confident in the knowledge that if she is supposed to be a part of your family, she will.

    I personally like thinking more about the emotional wallop you'd get if you had to prepare in only a few weeks.

     Please keep us updated! I'm crossing all my digits for you.

    BB&J

     

     

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  • First off, Congrats in advanceSmile! That is so exciting!!! I , too struggle with the emotional aspect of this process. I am using an attorney and doing private, domestic adoption and my atty. called me down off the ledge last week when I was bombarded with pregnancy news from about 6 or 7 people.

    She suggested to me that I prepare some sort of project, such as a scrapbook for a baby to share their journey home or a crocheted blanket and visualize placing the blanket around the baby at placement ( not a specific baby, but a baby). Visualize yourself as a mom to"a" baby, like anyone else who is pregnant. Most mommies don't get to meet their children before birth and forming an attachment to this particular child may be hard to deal with if it doesnt come to fruition, so I would try to just visualize myself with "my" baby, wherever and whenever it is finally in my arms.

    Make sense? That was actually a little hard to describe, but I hope you see what I mean. try to stay positve, believe in miracles and focus on being called mommie someday. (SOON, I hope!!!! GL!!)

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  • Our DS#1 was a Waiting Child--here are some suggestions.

    1. Don't name her/call her by name. Or a nickname. Use another term.

    2. Don't tell anyone--you don't want to explain why you didn't accept the referral if medicals show something.

    3. Try to be as clinical as possible about the child as a medical patient.

    It's hard, but it's best for your own self-preservation not to get too attached.

  • Thank you, everyone, for your advice and kind wishes.  I've given everything you said some thought, and had a heart-to-heart with my husband last night.

    It dawned on me that one of the reasons we are looking to adopt an older, possibly special needs, child is because we wanted to provide a loving family to someone who might not otherwise get that chance.  It became clear that if we had to rush to beat other families or risk losing this little girl, that maybe she wasn't the one for us.  If we take our time, go through all the steps deliberately, and she's still waiting, then that may be the sign that she's waiting for us.

    My husband also pointed out that the only way to stay sane is to believe that all the parents in the program are going to provide good, loving homes.  Keeping that in mind helps to minimize the feeling of competition, and helps to reassure us that any child placed with a family is going to be well taken care of and loved...so we don't have to rush to beat anyone else.

    It's still not easy, but easier.

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