S/O HOw common is it.. — The Bump
Blended Families

S/O HOw common is it..

SO I started to respond to the above post, but realized that I was kindof hijacking it, so I thought I'd just create my own post instead... I took a quote from someone on there, though, because it's what's caused me to go off on my rant...

image Saran:
Even if time is even, they want to make sure the children have the same standard of living in both homes. I believe there is a calculation that every state uses to come up with the dollar amount. .

I'm calling BS on that-- They do NOT want the standard of living to be the same in both homes. If that were the case, DH and I wouldn't be living in a mobile home and she living in a 2 story brand new brick house. (she's not married and has no interest in even dating). She makes TWICE what he did before he got laid off and they have ONE child together. Oh, and did I mention that child support essentially told him tough sh!t when he was laid off? They take all but $50 of his unemployment check and will not even consider re-evaluating it until he's been collecting unemployment for 30 days-- and they said more than likely, no changes will take place. He either pays now or he pays later. These are the same people who said tough luck when he told them he now has another child to support.  

 SO basically, child support is forcing us to go bankrupt. My income does not come anywhere near covering all the bills-- I had the supplimental income.

 I JUST don't get that. I just don't get why it's okay to force another child to live under the poverty level, have to live on WIC and medicaid, etc while the other child gets to live high off the hog...

 The system is broken and needs to be fixed.

Re: S/O HOw common is it..

  • I agree that the system is screwed.

    BTW: I love those pics! They are soo cute!

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  • I agree and it really is disguisting... My SD's grandmothers house is listed as almost 1 million dollars... We pay $3000 a month for child support.  That is MORE than I make! Yet, its coming from my income too because it is considered "supplemental"  It sucks and I agree, the system needs fixed :(




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  • Totally playing Devils Advocate here, but couldn't one say that it was your choice to allow one child to live below the poverty line, live off WIC etc, since you knew your financial situation before choosing to bring that child into this world? You knew what your financial obligations were to SS, fair or not, they are what they are, and you made the choice to bring another child into the family. Correct?

    That said, I have never been on the side of the fence that believes that in a NBF situation when additional children are born, the previous will forgo things because there are more mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, brains to educate, what have you. I personally do feel that parents should not bring more kids into the world then they can comfortably provide for, thus to me that theory is crap.

     

    J+R-does SD live with grandmother? Even so, what does the value of her house have to do with anything? I know a lot of older people who have lived in houses that they bought 50 years for $15,000 that are now worth $500K+.  I cannot imagine paying $3000 a month for one child, and I am sure that there is so much more to this story.

  • image anniya77:

     The system is broken and needs to be fixed.

    That is so true!!!

  • image xmaryrickx:

    Totally playing Devils Advocate here, but couldn't one say that it was your choice to allow one child to live below the poverty line, live off WIC etc, since you knew your financial situation before choosing to bring that child into this world? You knew what your financial obligations were to SS, fair or not, they are what they are, and you made the choice to bring another child into the family. Correct?

    That said, I have never been on the side of the fence that believes that in a NBF situation when additional children are born, the previous will forgo things because there are more mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, brains to educate, what have you. I personally do feel that parents should not bring more kids into the world then they can comfortably provide for, thus to me that theory is crap.

     

    J+R-does SD live with grandmother? Even so, what does the value of her house have to do with anything? I know a lot of older people who have lived in houses that they bought 50 years for $15,000 that are now worth $500K+.  I cannot imagine paying $3000 a month for one child, and I am sure that there is so much more to this story.

    First of all, I was on BC when I got pregnant. I didn't plan anything. But I don't believe in abortion, and I have plenty of love to give, so we did have our son. Believe me, it wasn't planned. We wanted to wait several years. But I wouldn't change that for the world.

    SECOND of all, my DH had a good job. I had a pretty good job that I was laid off from not long after I got pregnant (company closed). I have a job I love now, but it doesn't pay all of the debt that we have. It pays for the big stuff (mortgage, food, transportation) but not much else.

    We're now on WIC and have medicaid for our son as of one month ago because my DH being laid off did put us below the poverty line. Believe me, we didn't chosen to be in this place, and we don't intend to STAY in this place. I REALLY resent someone saying that we did, and that we were irresponsible in having a child. We weren't in the situation we are in now a year ago when we did get pregnant. We knew it was going to be tight, but we sure as sh!t didn't know it was going to be this bad.

    It has taken a lot of pride swallowing and sleepless nights to decide to look for assistance. It is not something we did lightly. But as we're facing possible medical issues with our youngest, we decided we had to have some insurance for him. DH and I are going without, and hoping we are okay for a few months until he does find something with benefits.  

    SO, in response, WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS WOULD BE OUR FINANCIAL SITUATION A YEAR AGO. If you haven't noticed, times are tough for a LOT of people, you can see it on this board and on the other boards on The Bump. If you think otherwise, you have your head in the sand. I RARELY complain about our financial situation. Yes, we live in a mobile home, but as far as MHs go, it's a nice one. But when someone says that they try to make the standard of living equal, that makes me go off. We would be in the situation we're in now with or without our baby.

     

  • Anniya, Devils Advocate, I know you understand that. My point is, and it is not really directed at you, is that often times SM's come here and want to know how to reduce CS because they can't support the child that they are planning on having, and you know that happens all the time.
    I don't know the details of how you got pregnant, and it does not matter. You did what was right for you at that time, and that is wonderful. You have a beautiful son who I am sure brings so much joy to your lives.
    Seeking assistance when needed is nothing to be ashamed of. You do what you have to do to in order to take care of your family, especially in times like these. Nothing to be ashamed of.
    And I know that the economy sucks-my H and I are both in the car business, we feel the pain. I know what it is like to see the giant descrpincies (sp) in quality of life between the BM and my own family. Hell, we live in a shittastic barn (really it is a barn) and she lives in a 2500sq ft 4 bedroom house with no mortgage, I get it. She makes in CS about what I make in a month, working 45+ hours weeks.
    However, as your post was vaque, and there are a LOT of new posters around here, I felt the need to play Devils Advocate, not for you, but for those out there that are reading that, while TTC with their FI or BF or H's or whatever, and plotting to reduce CS so that they can support their "new" family. I know you have seen those posts, and that mindframe around here, and it is sickening.
    I get that, that is not the case for you. And I am very sorry that I upset you, again I should have been more clear. I wish the best for your family, that your H finds an awesome new job, and that your baby is okay.

  • Thank you for the apology. I'm sorry if I over-reacted. We're having a tough time on our end, and seeing that post just made me bristle.

    I have never had an issue with DH and childsupport until the system first told us that he couldn't have it lowered despite her reciving a 50% income raise a few months after CS was determined 4 years ago. Being told "sorry about your luck"  and realizing that we had to live on what was left over after paying child support-- $200/month. If he and I weren't together, he'd be screwed. He wouldn't have enough to pay his mortgage, electricity, etc, let alone food for himself. I would love to know how the rest of you would live on that type of income. We're not sure how we're going to do it on my income. It's no wonder that there are so many dead-beat dads and those that try to beat the system, and those who are homeless and living in the streets. We try to follow the system and the rules, he's never missed a CS payment and he still gets screwed.

    This is why I say the system is broken. How in the world would he survive? How do others survivie? How is it OK to allow a father to starve, to lose his home, his car, his pride? To live by meager standards when his ex-wife lives the high life, making him look like a schmuck who can't afford nice things for his child? How is it okay that she looks like the hero? How is that okay?

    Oh, did I mention that we're going to have to figure out some way to pay for DSS' health insurance now, too-- Otherwise, he's in contempt of court. Despite the fact that she carries health insurance for FREE thru her company. So that $200 that he's bringing home will have to go to insurance for him. So really, I do end up paying for him, because I have to pay to support my DH while he supports his son.

    You wonder why I'm upset and frustrated with the sytem.

     Sorry- there is so much to this, I could go on for pages and pages. I do everything I can and put in as many hours as I can at work to try to make a little extra to make ends meet

    Thank you for the kind thoughts about my DH and Kaleb. Kaleb's fontenel (soft spot) is nearly closed already. They're talking about possible surgery and having to wear a helmet. We'll know more at his 6 mo. appointment. I'm dreading it.

     

  • SaranSaran member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Comments

    I never said I agreed with my statement and yes, the system is screwed up. I can see what they were trying to do but it doesn't work for all cases. In our case, it makes sense eventhough we dont want to pay. We have equal time every week but my DH makes twice what BM does. She's not hurting but definetely cant afford alot of the things we do for the kids, (trips to disney world, xbox, cable tv) which are things BM cant really do so the money we give her goes toward keeping the cable on for the kids at her house and being able to do fun stuff with her as well.

    Yes, sometimes I get mad cause she has the two kids and we have 4 with #5 on the way but it was our choice to have them (this statement has nothing to do with you) so eventhough we make more, we pay out more and feel the pinch sometimes.

    I'm not sure why your DH would be paying CS if she makes more money and you all have equal time. Or is it that he was making more money than her when CS was put in place with equal time??  I thought you could go back to the court for modification if your income changed? You might want to consult with an attorney.

    In any case, dont shoot the messenger. I'm just stating what the judge told us.

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  • No, SD does not live with her grandmother - she lives with mom.  I was using the GM's house as an example that they are pretty well off.  $3000 a month is based on what my husband earns AND what I earn.  They also had my income factored in because it was considered "supplemental" which sucks.  Yes, my DH makes a pretty penny - BUT - the BM can also get off her arse and work a job too.




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  • Anniya,
    I have no idea what is going on in your state, but something has to give. I am sure that a lawyer is not in the picture right now, but I would go camp down at the court house until I get an answer as to why, how, what, can be changed, and if they say it can't, ask to talk to someone else. There is no way that even without another chld in the picture, he could live off of $200 a month. They will most likely go off what his income was before being laid off (that is what he has the potential for making) but it sounds like things were at that $200 mark then.
    Good luck. If you need help researching let me know. I know the system is broken, it is very broken, but unless we fight it, they win.
  • I really like your last sentence xMary...  "Unless we fight it, they win."  That is SO true in many of our situations...  Good quote :)




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