I Need Support/Advice Please re Family (LONG)

crackerjackprinter · March 2009

Background: My parents divorced when I was itty bitty (like a few months old) and there is some bad blood between both sides for various reasons. My mom moved she and I halfway across the country when I was 8, so I never really lived with my dad until I was 16. When I was 12, he and my stepmom started having kids and I have two siblings through them. I love my dad and stepmom, and really think they're cool and love spending time with them. We have a lot of common interests too. When I was really young I felt like he understood me really well, but our relationship definitely changed when my siblings were born, and now that they are older, the difference between our relationships is depressing.

When I was 16, I moved in with them. It went okay, but I definitely felt like a second class citizen most of the time. I had forgotten what that feels like, until I was reminded this weekend.

DH & I are only living near my family for a year, so we both were thinking it would be great, that we'd get to hang out with them a lot and that they'd love to have us (and their grandchild) around. But there has always been hesitation there, from both my mom and dad's sides. It seems to us like they don't want to change any part of their routine, or otherwise make room for us.

This weekend, my dad said we could come over whenever, as long as we called first. So, at 10:30 I called to see if we could come up, and explained that it would still be at least 30-60 minutes until we actually got there. They aren't early risers like us, but my dad usually doesn't mind. And I had thought that we were all close enough that they didn't feel like they had to be all ready for the day just because we were there.

However, when we got there, my dad sat down with us while we ate lunch and started talking about how he feels torn between stuff he wants to do (like play tennis) and spending time with his family, and that it is hard to let go of the routine that they all had together. I can't remember more specifically what he said, but DH interpreted that my dad was saying that we are messing with their routine and the way he likes things, but he doesn't know what to do because he wants us around. I trust his assessment because he's usually better at remembering and interpreting this kind of stuff. I wish I had a better memory!

Anyway, I feel like crap about it still. I wish that my dad and his family felt like I was part of their family, instead of outside of it. I can't even articulate how crappy it makes me feel. Like I said above, it's like being a second class citizen. Everyone is too polite to just be honest with you, but they don't really want you around as much as you want to be around them. I wish I knew what to do at this point. I can't decide whether to ask my dad for clarification and talk to him about it, or just try to let it go. Both are very difficult propositions for me. It just makes me not want to try anymore. I mean, we travel 2 hours each way to see them most weekends and I just want to feel like that is appreciated and like we are wanted. If we aren't, I won't put myself through that stress.

I'm sorry this is so freaking long. Kuddos if you made it this far, and thanks for letting me vent.

tinamichelle · March 2009

(((hugs)))) I don't have any advice I just wanted to offer some support

mrs.a.butler · March 2009

i'm sorry you are going through this. Sad

imo, if i were you, i would talk to him and tell him how you feel and ask how he feels and for clarification. don't continue making yourself stressed about it every time you see them. you need to know the truth either way.

i hope it works out well for you, good luck

luvlieK · March 2009

Family situations can sometimes be awkward and tough. ?Hopefully they will get over it soon!

thejennigirl · March 2009

I don't know what to tell you or have any advice.

I know what it's like to feel 2nd class when it comes to friends, like your their "back up" when their "fave" friend is busy. It leaves you feeling like shiit. And lonely.

(((hugs)))

Pray about it. Perhaps He can help you sort through this.

babyluv617 · March 2009

I have a similar situation and sometimes feel like an outsider. I just try to turn all of that frustration into love for my own little family and tell myself that I won't let it get this way between my children, DH, and I. ((hugs))

papagena · March 2009

(hugs) I can only imagine how hard it would be to talk to your dad about this, but I think it's the best option - tell him how you feel - maybe arrange a schedule with him that includes you guys (perhaps one weekend a month, or every other weekend). I hope it works out for you.

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