- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Infertility
Suzi-G-
member
Dealing w/ irrational anger towards fertiles...
Suzi-G-
member
in Infertility
DH was telling me about a conversation he had at work with his boss and one of the secretaries: The boss is expecting a new grandbaby soon and the secretary has twins and was saying how she had triplets but miscarried one. DH asked if she had been going through infertility treatment. She said no and asked when we were going to have kids. DH said we were trying but were having some issues, had been seeing an RE etc., hence why he asked her about infertility treatments.
Then this super-fertile chick had the gall to tell him we just need to relax. Thank god I wasn't present for this conversation because just DH telling me about it made me furious. Seriously, seeing red, furious.
I realize she meant well and that in her world "just relax" apparently works really well. However, my ovaries usually can't figure out how to spit out one egg a month, I'm not in her world.
Anyone have any advice for dealing with my irrational anger?
My big boy is bounding towards 4! Baby brother coming in October!
Hipster dog is not impressed.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dealing w/ irrational anger towards fertiles...
DD #1 {04-19-2004}
Secondary IF: Severe MFI (low testosterone, low count, low morph, & very low motility) & Annovulation
After 22 months IUI # 3 Clomid + Follistim = BFP
DD #2 {12-31-2009}
2 more years of failed IF treatments and a failed adoption TTC #3
TTC Journey Over~ Not By Choice
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
I actually have a super fertile friend (read: got pregnant first month trying) and she asked and said the exact same thing. While I was very very angry, I said this:
We have been trying for over a year and that I have medical conditions that prevent me from getting pregnant. While I appreciate her concern and advice, unfortunately it will take more than relaxation in order to conceive and that while we are happy that relaxation worked for her and her husband, that we would appreciate support during this hard time, as many people are not so fortunate to get pregnant on the first cycle.?
She understood and we are fine now; I really think its taking your anger and using it to educate instead of getting mad; after all, most people aren't truly mean enough people to insinuate that you aren't doing enough to get pregnant.?
Don't let DH talk to co-workers about your IF.
It may sound harsh, but it has worked for me. I am surrounded by people who ask me almost daily when we're going to have kids. If I even breathed a word that we were dealing with IF, I would have committed homicide on someone who gave me an inappropriate answer by now.
Along the lines of education, you can always inform someone that telling you to just relax would be like telling a diabetic to relax instead of taking insulin. Just because a healthy person doesn't require medication to control her blood sugar, it does not mean that diabetes isn't a real medical condition. Medical problems require medical treatments. I would do this calmly and consistently and for every "but it worked for me," or "I knew someone who" statement, have prepared a rebuttal. Usually with enough information people realize that they are taking out of their rears.
Also, with the "just relax" comment, be sure to tell someone that making that suggestion actually implies that the infertile couple is to blame for their situation, which most people don't realize - usually they feel guilty about saying it when it is pointed out to them.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
She may have meant well but her response is still dumba$$ and totally offensive to anyone sufering from infertility. How can relaxation create sperm when it does not exist, remove endometrial adhesions that prevent ovaries from functioning properly, remove adhesions from fallopian tubes or cure a varicocele. Also, are women who conceive afer a violent rape with a knife held at their throat and I seriously doubt they were relaxed. If all it took were relaxation, then doctors would not need to undergo 2 additional years of specialty training after an OB-GYN or urology residency. I have less and less tolerance for fertile ignoramuses who think they have a pat formula for everything. I am now becoming irrationally angry at that woman and I'm only hearing it third hand.
FET #1 Dec 2013 BFN
FET # 2 Feb 2014 BFN
No more frosties
IVF #2. September 2014
PGD yielded 2 perfect 5d blasts
SET November 9, 2014
Nov 23, 2014. Another BFN
Not sure where to go from here.
The "just relax" statement always riled me up (even now it still does). I just tell myself that people like that are ignorant and clueless to the whole process. They don't know what it is like to have to suffer and wait a long time to get pregnant. Not that they don't care, just don't know any better because they didn't have the experience.
You are much stronger than she is and more knowledgable about the process than she is.
O.M.F.G.
Mercifully I've been able to avoid this (for the most part) but I think that people who say things like this fall into one of three categories:
Regardless, it sucks. At least it's not the old "Maybe Jesus doesn't want you to have children" song and dance!