oneluckyguy

Phantomgirl · March 2009

I can't help thinking about your poor little SD.

So the little girl is openly talking to the therapist about everything in your pp- like her daddy (banning) taken her out of day care etc.

My question is how does a 3 year old know who made the decision and why would you not just send her on your days if it is traumatizing her that much?

As for the trauma - her parents separated, now they are fighting so her sense of security and her 'world' has be pulled out from under her, she has moved house, there is a new man asserting his dominance in her life, her entire routine has changed. That?s traumatic for anyone. Do not underestimate the effects of the separation alone on this child.

When I met my SO he was hopeless at dressing/washing SS. He was putting him to bed one night in PJs that were so small poor SS looked like Tom Sawyer yet they were both happy and content. It took SO about 30secs to put SS to bed so I correctly concluded that they had not brushed teeth or hands/face etc and SS was 5 so that?s how long it had being going on. Needless to say these days I put SS to bed and I dress him.

As for secluding her from all activities - if you have a visitation order how come you cant put her in activities on your days. BM is not allowed to put SS in activities on our days without checking with us first. When SS wanted to do martial arts on a wed BM send the flyer in his school bag and told him it was totally up to his dad if he went as it is on our day. That?s normal.

The guy sounds like a douchetwat but he IS her father. He should never have hit her that goes without saying but nothing you have posted to date makes me think that he should loose his parental rights. Yet you are so full and hatred towards him and determination that he be out of her life that I can't help but feel that you are a huge part of the problem. The only person that would benefit from him being gone is you and 'maybe' your gf, but long term the child will not benefit. Her self esteem will suffer and she will feel neglected and abandoned. The two most important people in any child?s life are her mother AND her father.

It is common knowledge that the WORST mistake you can make in a blended family situation is trying to replace the parent - it immediately causes stress and discontent and long term it bodes well for no one.

The guy is sloppy, always late, bitter, hateful, whatever BUT you need to find a way to move forward with him not against him ? that is what this poor child needs. Do not think for one second that she cannot sense your negativity. This poor little girl is internalizing everything that goes on around her to the point that she is wetting herself. I know you want to be a positive person in her life but you seriously need to start thinking about what is best for the child not yourself.

knmommy · March 2009

I am chiming in here. I have been in your situation. Down to the ex hitting DS. I think what you need to do is find some counseling for you and your SO. You need to learn how do deal with the a** for her sake. Because I can gurantee that your SD's father will NOT be out of her life, whether they decrease visits or whatnot he will always be around. My DS has been in counseling since he was 3, spermdonor is controlling and emotionally abusive to DS. Telling DS that we don't love him and were mean and whatnot. The only thing we can do is tell him how much we love him. He still comes home lethargic, dirty and smelly.

He came home in December with a broken finger, I had to take him to the ER because he was SCARED to tell the spermdonor that his finger hurt. My ex is also INDICATED by DCFS for child abuse against my DS. (Shaken Baby at 3 months) He was never charged criminally and we had a bad judge in our divorce.

My DH has been in DS's life since was 13 months old. This has always been DS's life. (I obviously left the spermdonor when DS was 3 months) I couldn't even imagine how DS would be if there were all of those changes that your SD is going through. She does feel the tension, I used to get physically sick sending my DS, and I'm sure he sensed it.

So anyhow, a few suggestions as to I think you should look into.

1-get counseling for you and your SO to learn how to DEAL w/this

2-see if there is a neutral exchange site in your county. This has been wonderful for us, it cuts down on the tension. We don't have any contact w/spermdonor, it is all through this site.

3-go back to court and see if your SO can get sole custody, it doesn't sound like you guys aren't willing to work with each other and that definatley is not in the child's best interest.

GL

MrsHK · March 2009

I have nothing more to say, this sums up everything I continue to ask.

knmommy · March 2009

3 doesn't sound like you guys are willing to work with each other. woops

sweetsurrender9 · March 2009

I would also like to say that SS has gone home and told BM that we hit him, to the point that there was a CYS investigation. Know when we hit him? When he doesn't listen and his safety is threatened. He's spanked, not hit. But he was too young to know the difference when he told his mother that, and she jumped on the chance to paint us as the bad guys. She looked at the opportunity to push us out of his life forever and took it.

SS is 7. The rage is just ending here. But we can see where it's left its marks on him. For you to perpetuate the rage, no matter how big of a screw up her BD is, is doing a HUGE disservice to your SD. If we had it to do over again, I'd like to think that DH and BM would've found a way to work well together from the get-go.

oneluckyguy · March 2009

Phantomgirl:

I can't help thinking about your poor little SD.

So the little girl is openly talking to the therapist about everything in your pp- like her daddy (banning) taken her out of day care etc.

My question is how does a 3 year old know who made the decision and why would you not just send her on your days if it is traumatizing her that much?

*Because he openly tells her "No you cannot go to daycare/school". He also lets us know when she has "fits" about it because he doesnt feel that a 3 year old needs an explination, so he wants us to ignore the behavior. And if we enroll her into a day care plain and simple, he will have her random days, so we will have to enroll for half time...no problem right? Well problem is its random. We will never have same schedule week to week or month to month. So its impossible for a learning center to schedule her with the way his schedule is. Which is BS in my opinion no child should have to work around their parents. You made the child, learn how to work around them for a change.

As for the trauma - her parents separated, now they are fighting so her sense of security and her 'world' has be pulled out from under her, she has moved house, there is a new man asserting his dominance in her life, her entire routine has changed. That?s traumatic for anyone. Do not underestimate the effects of the separation alone on this child.

*She has a home, She still has her home with him. Im not saying that its peaches and cream but as far as her home, I think what she needs here is knowing on TUES and WED I go see Dad every week. Not....Oh when now...is it tomarrow? No maybe Thursday? No. All we have done is stay here for their peace of mind. Despite things not being well. We have done the most we could.

When I met my SO he was hopeless at dressing/washing SS. He was putting him to bed one night in PJs that were so small poor SS looked like Tom Sawyer yet they were both happy and content. It took SO about 30secs to put SS to bed so I correctly concluded that they had not brushed teeth or hands/face etc and SS was 5 so that?s how long it had being going on. Needless to say these days I put SS to bed and I dress him.

*Its really sad that a man who has had a child in his home and under his feet for over 2 years cannot dress, feed, or wash his child. Sorry, some women may give excuses for their husbands. But obviously I dont need to, not only is he not my ex, but my opinion of this is general is that these men would rather let everyone make their lives easier so they dont waste one second of their time actually learning about their children or helping them. Ive been here and in her life over a year. And what? I know her birthdate, her favorite color, food, toy, movie, song, I can tell you when she is sad and doesnt want to talk.....Not because Im father of the year....because I am apart of a family...not a referee.

As for secluding her from all activities - if you have a visitation order how come you cant put her in activities on your days. BM is not allowed to put SS in activities on our days without checking with us first. When SS wanted to do martial arts on a wed BM send the flyer in his school bag and told him it was totally up to his dad if he went as it is on our day. That?s normal.

*I agree that when you have visitation that these kinds of decisions should be made by the parent who has the child at the time, sorry if it sounded any other way. Again the problem here is the visitation schedule that doesnt allow us consistency at all. Therefor its impossible to schedule ANYTHING.

The guy sounds like a douchetwat but he IS her father. He should never have hit her that goes without saying but nothing you have posted to date makes me think that he should loose his parental rights. Yet you are so full and hatred towards him and determination that he be out of her life that I can't help but feel that you are a huge part of the problem. The only person that would benefit from him being gone is you and 'maybe' your gf, but long term the child will not benefit. Her self esteem will suffer and she will feel neglected and abandoned. The two most important people in any child?s life are her mother AND her father.

* I also agree, but a big difference is a father who is there loving his kids, spendign time with his child, and is dependable. Compared to a sperm donor who decides when and where things are convenient, when he feels like doing the right thing, or if he just wants to make BM life hell because he feels bored. There are men like him and he is one of them.

It is common knowledge that the WORST mistake you can make in a blended family situation is trying to replace the parent - it immediately causes stress and discontent and long term it bodes well for no one.

* I cannot stoop to the level of asholishness in this case. I want no part of the blame game with what happened and why. Im here to help. If she needs me she comes to me. If she wants to talk, she will. I cannot replace something she has never had. IF one day she feels that Im more of a father to her than he was/is, fine. Im not even thinking thats a good thing. Right now, my feelings are this: I want her to have a loving father whom she can talk openly with, someone that doesnt hurt her to amuse himself with how much it upsets her mother. I want her to feel safe and loved. But I know he will never allow that.

The guy is sloppy, always late, bitter, hateful, whatever BUT you need to find a way to move forward with him not against him ? that is what this poor child needs. Do not think for one second that she cannot sense your negativity. This poor little girl is internalizing everything that goes on around her to the point that she is wetting herself. I know you want to be a positive person in her life but you seriously need to start thinking about what is best for the child not yourself.

*I will not say that she doesnt sense that I do not like her father. Maybe it was the day he jumped in my face while exchanging her after I told him to stop yelling at my SO. Either way Im sure no one has clean hands in this. In any case of the sort for that matter. However I dont believe that when a childs best interests are being faught for and you have the set situation that we do....no one can walk away not being upset that a child is abused. Im sorry that will never happen. Im not the man who left her, Im not the one who wasnt there by CHOICE, I am certainly not the one who beats her, yells at her, or manipulates her. So by all means your entitled to your opinion, but if you have followed my posts you would have heard these things. And if you can succomb to pointing a finger at me and calling me the violator here...I really dont know what to say. I am shocked for one that in your entire post you sound defensive for a POS that would hurt a child. And yet go on to try to stomp every bit of security we have offered the child into the ground as if there is a manipulation behind it.

I dont know what your really getting at in this post.

Part of me thinks your trying to say, just back off a little and let the grown ppl handle it.

Part of me cannot get past the whole feeling that you think her father is more capable than anyone to ensure her safety and love. When all the signs, evidence, testimony, even drawings at this point points to this case being a disturbed man who cannot and will not shake his authority over BM and uses child to regain it.

oneluckyguy · March 2009

knmommy:

I am chiming in here. I have been in your situation. Down to the ex hitting DS. I think what you need to do is find some counseling for you and your SO. You need to learn how do deal with the a** for her sake. Because I can gurantee that your SD's father will NOT be out of her life, whether they decrease visits or whatnot he will always be around. My DS has been in counseling since he was 3, spermdonor is controlling and emotionally abusive to DS. Telling DS that we don't love him and were mean and whatnot. The only thing we can do is tell him how much we love him. He still comes home lethargic, dirty and smelly.

He came home in December with a broken finger, I had to take him to the ER because he was SCARED to tell the spermdonor that his finger hurt. My ex is also INDICATED by DCFS for child abuse against my DS. (Shaken Baby at 3 months) He was never charged criminally and we had a bad judge in our divorce.

My DH has been in DS's life since was 13 months old. This has always been DS's life. (I obviously left the spermdonor when DS was 3 months) I couldn't even imagine how DS would be if there were all of those changes that your SD is going through. She does feel the tension, I used to get physically sick sending my DS, and I'm sure he sensed it.

So anyhow, a few suggestions as to I think you should look into.

1-get counseling for you and your SO to learn how to DEAL w/this

2-see if there is a neutral exchange site in your county. This has been wonderful for us, it cuts down on the tension. We don't have any contact w/spermdonor, it is all through this site.

3-go back to court and see if your SO can get sole custody, it doesn't sound like you guys aren't willing to work with each other and that definatley is not in the child's best interest.

GL

Thanks so much for replying with some sort of actual advice. I cannot imagine being in your shoes. However if SD had anything more than a bruise and tears atleast we would have proof. But he is too careful right now to do that. We are in counseling. We work together and I see the therapist solo as well.

But your right on the money with 3. They will never get along. Its like black and white. They could not be more different. They cannot agree on one thing. IF she does give into his request...he will change it to spite her!? Idk what his real psychological condition is...but he has one. We are working our way back to court, but want a strong case before we get there.

oneluckyguy · March 2009

sweetsurrender9:

I would also like to say that SS has gone home and told BM that we hit him, to the point that there was a CYS investigation. Know when we hit him? When he doesn't listen and his safety is threatened. He's spanked, not hit. But he was too young to know the difference when he told his mother that, and she jumped on the chance to paint us as the bad guys. She looked at the opportunity to push us out of his life forever and took it.

SS is 7. The rage is just ending here. But we can see where it's left its marks on him. For you to perpetuate the rage, no matter how big of a screw up her BD is, is doing a HUGE disservice to your SD. If we had it to do over again, I'd like to think that DH and BM would've found a way to work well together from the get-go.

So what your saying is that You think its fine to spank a child to the point of leaving marks on them? But its wrong to take them to therapy and vent my frustrations on the internet?

I dont understand your post at all. I understand that some children do not comprehend what they see as hitting and a spanking. But think for one second how it feels to be 3 feet tall....and have someone twice your height and geeze i dont know 150 pounds more than you come at you and "spank" you? If a professional athlete decided to "push" his SO or child, it would be deemed abuse because of his sheer size!

We dont spank, we dont hit, we dont yell, and we certainly dont smack.

Im sorry we dont agree that striking a child in any circumstance teaches them anything other than aggressive and violent behavior.

MrsHK · March 2009

oneluckyguy:
Phantomgirl:
I dont know what your really getting at in this post.

Part of me thinks your trying to say, just back off a little and let the grown ppl handle it.

Part of me cannot get past the whole feeling that you think her father is more capable than anyone to ensure her safety and love. When all the signs, evidence, testimony, even drawings at this point points to this case being a disturbed man who cannot and will not shake his authority over BM and uses child to regain it.

It's responses like these that solidify my opinion that you are incapable of stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. You jump straight into defensiveness. You disregard real advice if it doesn't just blow sunshine up your butt. You're only looking for people to sympathize and tell you your 100% right. Well you're not. BF may be the biggest contribution here to your SD problems, but you need to realize that you are contributing a small portion as well.

I hope counseling will help you all, and I hope you get some clarity and am able to see the improvement needed within as well.

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oneluckyguy

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