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TTC after 35
Need to get the crazy out- unoriginal, rambling, pity party post
Venting post, just to let out all the crazy in my head so that it doesn't come spilling out unexpectedly and inappropriately.
I met with the RE last month and we are geared up to start the testing in my next cycle. I hoped and prayed that we would be one of those couple that got a BFP right before they were to start testing. Doesn't look like that will be the case, my temp is dropping and nothing out of the ordinary is happening with my body. So AF should be here on Sunday and I will go in for my CD3 bloodwork and antral follicle count on Tuesday. I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared that the results will show that my eggs are kaput and that my chances for a bio baby are nil.
I personally am willing to do anything to be a mother including donor eggs or adoption. However, my DH already has child and just won't be willing to go there. Even if he did do it for me, I know that he would never love the child as much as he loves his son (all that shared bloodline BS is important to him) and that would be an unacceptable compromise on my part. He's relatively ambivalent about the whole thing anyway. He's happy enough to whatever we need to have a child if that's what I want, but if I decided tomorrow that I didn't want kids, he would be fine with that too.
I know I am worrying about the worst case scenario before there is any reason (I am a worrier, can't help it) but I am literally nauseous over the thought of it. I know that most likely my numbers will be OK but there are plenty of 36 y/o's whose aren't. I'm just so down about this whole process right now. I just want to be a mommy and I don't how I'll cope if that isn't a possibility.
OK I just needed to get that out. I know it's nothing new. Of course, since I am TTC many of my friends and family are pg (doesn't that happen to us all) and have decided that I am the one person they will tell before everyone else. That means that I am the person they want to talk to about their pg's 24/7. I have started avoiding phone calls and ignoring IMs. TTC makes you rude.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need to get the crazy out- unoriginal, rambling, pity party post
Crazy loves company, which is why we're all here.
Seriously, we all have these moments.
You'll get through this. Just wait and see what your results are. We're all hoping they come back great!
As far as your DH's feelings about adopted kids, have you talked to him about it? The way you phrase things, "he just won't be willing to go there" - makes it seem to me that you're making an assumption. Of course you know your DH very well. But still, this is important to you. So IF you need to "go there" - there's a very good chance you won't - I would encourage you to have a discussion with DH, if you haven't already.
Good luck from another TTC Crazy Person.
I worry about EVERYTHING but have yet to ever experience any horrible situation my mind puts me in! It is never as bad as you think.
It is better to get testing done and know. The first step is so hard but once you take it, the rest get easier.
Your DH may want to give it some more time before exploring other options. I would just take the 1st step to test and go from there. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I do the same thing to myself so I guess I should take my own advice!
Hang in there!
You're in a really tough place right now - it isn't working yet, you don't know if it ever will, and you know your dh is not as committed as you are. No matter what, there are a lot of unknowns right now, and you don't know when you will have your baby, or if that's even possible. That leads to a lot of uncertainty, wondering, and frustration. It's also scary, and it's not like you can ever just forget about TTC - between upcoming appointments and pregnant friends, it never goes away. Your feelings are completely understandable!
I'm a worrier too, and I know that I always feel better once I know for certain - the worst-case scenario is always worse in my mind that it actually is.. I suspect you'll feel a lot better once you actually start in with the RE next week, and once you're one step closer to knowing what's going on.
It will get better. When it's bad, post here - we really do understand.
And you still have your sense of humor - LOL@ '"TTC makes you rude."
I understand your concern. I am a worrier too. The more I can't control something, the more I like to worry and obsess about it. I am also very worried about my eggs. I keep ovulating early and everything I read says that is NOT good. I happen to have a dr. appt already scheduled for early May (when my over 35 dr. comes back from maternity leave). I go back and forth between wanting to know my numbers and being scared to death to find out. When I really start freaking out, I try to remind myself of all the stories I hear where people do have a lot of problems and they still get pregnant, either through medical intervention, or just sudden luck. I know several people who have been told they could never have kids who suddenly get pregnant. I am sure everything will be fine with your tests. And, if there are any issues, then I am sure they will come up with a plan to help you get pregnant! Sorry, I am rambling a bit here.
As pp have said, I think it is indeed wise to take that one day at a time approach. Sometimes I have to stick a sock in my inside voice, because worrying about the "what ifs" is a favourite (undesired) hobby that can lead to having the worse case scenario envisioned when it's nowhere on the horizon yet.
I think that once you have a few more answers, youl'll be better able to formulate the "approach" with DH and hopefully have some good discussion.
I know how easy it is to worry about the unknown. But trust me, once you find out what you're up against...if anything...you will feel 100% better. You will then be able to make the choices to help you have a baby.
Thanks ladies. You know, if I was replying to this post from someone else, I would be saying, "don't worry until you have something to worry about" and all of that stuff. As many of you said, it's so much easier than done.I worry about everything and rarely are things as bad as I have envisioned.
I know I will feel better knowing and feel even better knowing that things are OK (fingers crossed). DH and I haven't talked about anything past IVF with our eggs/sperm. Actually, I don't know if we "talked" about that as much as just said, "good news, my insurance covers IVF so we won't have to pay for it out of pocket if we need it, now go j%^k off into this cup". I approach things with much sensitivity and caring.
I am not at all looking forward to the ultrasound while AF is in town. Ew.
LOL!
This cracked me up.
I totally understand your worrying! I do the same thing, but don't we all at our age when we're trying to create a new life? It's so stressful! I always say I am worried that all of my eggs are expired due to me being so old. Hee hee! But it really is a worry of mine.
My DH also has two daughters from his first marriage. We are in similar situations. I know my DH will be emotionally OK if we never have a child. The girls are 8 and 10 and are big enough to do things independently, go out to dinner, etc. So he'd be just fine if he didn't have to start all over again. Not me, though. I'll need some serious therapy if I can't have a baby with him. He's such a great dad and a good husband, and will gladly have a baby with me if we can do it. He does his part, will do the testing, will support me through mine, and will be excited if/when it happens.This is such a hard time in a woman's life, isn't it?