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Blended Families
Very long...but I don't know who else to ask for advice
My thoughts are a bit jumbled, so I'm sorry if you have a hard time following this!
Background: My ex has always said he will never pay child support, that he thinks it is unfair because he is a single dad who is not getting support for the child that he has full custody of from a prev relationship, and that he hasn't had a job in almost 3 years & he finally started going to college in September. I told him the courts basically don't care & that he should go after the mother (who refuses to get a job) for that issue & that our case is soley about our son Carter. We went to court in Jan & I was awarded ful physical & legal custody & 528.00/month for c/s. He flew off the wall!!! Anyways..he has a hard time finding a job because he has a felony with a 15 year probation. I will admit that that does hold him back from being able to sucessfully move on with his life, but then that is also why you don't rob a fvking store! Anyways, ever since we broke up & keeps saying he wants to hand over all rights to his son & that he doesn't want to see him ever again. He moved to FL last year, and has only seen him once in the past 8 months so he is well on his way to his goal. I know he is only saying this because he feels like a failure because he can not provide for & see his son right now. He says he is still hurt because he loves me & hates to see me move on & it is easier to just leave both of us alone. He has also been diagnosed with bi-polar & depression.
Current issue: He is suppose to graduate this October from a 12 month course he was taking. He is seriously considering moving to Dubai because once he is out of the United States no one will care about his felony, the pay would be simmilar, and he won't have to pay child support. He is even taking some classes to learn Arabic & some classes to learn how to deal with their currency, so his graduation date has been pushed out. Well if he moves....he won't EVER be allowed to return because leaving the country is obviously against his probation & if he did return he would be immediately thrown in jail/prison. My lawyer & fiance have asked me if I would be ok having my fiance adopt my son. His current dad certainly isn't a role model & doesn't want to be a dad even though I know he loves him. My lawyer advised if my ex wants to give up all his rights the ONLY way the court would allow it is if someone was going to step in & adopt him; and that you can't just simply give up your rights to get out of paying child support. However I don't want to do this. What if he doesn't move & a few years from now he gets his act together & really regrets his decision & wants to see his son? Do I just say "No, he has a new dad now." And what would I tell my son? Sorry baby, he isn't your dad anymore, he won't be calling you anymore & you won't be able to see him or your brother anymore." I feel really bad about this. What if my son grows up & is mad that I didn't let him get to know his father? Obviously that isn't the truth, but he may see it that way. I just feel bad or guilty for just going along with my ex's plan. Aren't I suppose to do everything I can to ensure my son has a relationship with his father? Can I really let him step down & be replaced & move on as if it is ok? I don't know why I am feeling guilty. I know I am incredibbly blessed that i have such a wonderful fiance who loves my son as if it was his own but I feel like I just can't do it. IF he really does move out of the country though maybe it would be best & I just need to get over myself. We can change Carter's last name & then all of this will be behind us. What do you think is the right thing to do? Should I really just give in, allow him to give up his rights, have my fi adopt Carter & change his name? Why am I feeling so conflicted over this? I'm up for honest replies & flaming. I don't expect puppies & rainbows.
btw: To make this clear this has NOTHING to do w/not getting child support from my ex. The only reason I even mentioned it earlier is because that is one of his reasons for wanting to leave. If you managed to read this whole thing, thank you & I am looking forward to everyone's advice.
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Re: Very long...but I don't know who else to ask for advice
I have no advice for you, just that I empathize with you. HUGS!!
Whatever the decision, I'm sure you'll decide based on what's best for your son.
Even if he gives up his rights, you can still allow visitation with your son if you think it's in the best intrest of the child. The nice thing about that is it will be your choice.
I would be honest with your son and talk about it from time to time so it is a non issue for when he does grow up. Talk about how wondeful it is that he has a Dad (FI) that loves him so much that he wanted to be his Dad legally.
To be honest, your ex sounds like a dead beat, and if I were you I would be happy to have him out of sons life. Commiting a crime, not wanting to support his child, mental illness, a desire to violate probation, are not a good examples of a makes a good Dad.
If this loser wants to get out of your life and your child's life I think you should thank your lucky stars and do what you need to in order to effectuate this as quickly as possible. Why are you defending armed robbers who refuse to pay to support their own child? What kind of self-esteem black hole do you live in that this guy is somehow a stand up person in society who should be entrusted to raise your child? Holy crap is this the man you want your son to grow up being someday?
Get this loser out of your life. asap. You will be better off.
IMO, just because he donated the sperm in no way shape or form does that make him a father. Maybe he's doing certain things because he feels like a failure. BUT until all that gets resolved the situation isn't healthy. I know it is so tough because of the "what ifs..." but I think just because your FI adopts your son doesn't mean, that his bio father is cut out completly. Say your ex in 5 years has a steady job and no questionable extracurricular activities you can still allow your son to see him and have a relationship with him.
Whatever you decide to do-do it for your son. Don't make excuses for other people's BS. Good luck to you!!! ::hugs::
First question - is your FI the kind of man who will one day rob a store? Will he become the next deadbeat dad for your son?
Please be honest with yourself when facing those questions. How long have you been engaged? How well do you know him? What are your plans for marrying him and why haven't you yet?
If your FI is a man worthy of being a father and not just the next felon-on-his-way-to-Dubai, then I think adoption is the best thing you could do for your son. I'd say get married first and make sure you really know the answers to the previous questions, but I don't see any reason to keep your son legally bound to his BF when there is a man waiting to be a true father to him.
As pp said, you can always allow visitation with BF when and if he wants it.
I dated this guy once who was adopted by his step father. Basically, his mom and bio dad were never married and bio dad was apart of this guy's life. Bio dad visited him all the time, then when his mom got married all of a sudden bio dad stopped coming around. Then, next thing ex boyfriend knows he is being adopted and his name was changed. He said he remembers everyone being so happy that day. Ex boyfriend was about 10 at the time. He said that they never explained to him why he was adopted or even what happened with his dad, but ex boyfriend never asked his mom why.
Years later, a cousin of ex boyfriend sees bio dad in a store or something and he tells ex boyfriend, "I saw your old man" and continues to talk about where. Ex boyfriend listened but did not ask questions. Ex boyfriend said he felt that his mom had her reasons for doing what she did and that that is enough for him. I don't know if his reaction was typical or healthy but that is how he feels.
I shared this story to give you a real life example. I really hope this helps.
I'm being super-blunt w/you, because I have a hunch you only respond to hits on the head:
HIS "REAL" FATHER IS THE ONE WHO IS RAISING HIM. PERIOD.
If your sperm donor can't get his act together, all the sperm in the world does not make him a father.
Why, oh why, are you looking out for this guy? Do you still have feelings for this turkey or something?
WOW. Okay, you answered my questions. Your FI is a jerk.
Run away from him and please DON'T have a child with him, and by no means let him adopt your son. It's not his place to give you an ultimatum regarding the BF.
I do have a question... If he DOES NOT give up his rights and still has visitations... if he moves out of the country - can he still request visitation (like the summers?) I know that many countries are all for the dads and won't allow the child to return (that movie on Lifetime still haunts me although I've forgotten the name... Sally Fields?) Just a question.
I see where you are coming from... It's like letting him off the hook. I don't have any advice for you other that I hope that God (or whoever) can lead you in the right direction.
This is a very valid point. After reading all these replies I think I am going to sit down with fi tonight & have a long talk. He hasn't openly asked me - "Can I adopt him?" but he has asked about changing his hame & dropped other hints but he knows that as Carter's mother it is my decision to make without him pressuring me. We will have to talk about all the what if's and ifs to see if we are on the same page for everything. I'm now leaning towards adoption after we get married. Thanks ladies....and yes I do typically repond to kicks in the butt! Thanks!
The movie is "Not without my daughter"...
Given everything that you've said, I'm not sure I would do it.
Yes, BF is a douchetwat and I would be forever grateful he was willing to terminate his rights to see his child. But I'm not sure based on your description that your FI really understands what it means to adopt a child or what it means to the child to be adopted. Your son is going to have questions and if your FI is going to be angry, bitter, or have a serves him right attitude, it's going to be difficult for your son to feel okay with talking about any questions he has.
I'd probably settle with getting sole legal and physical custody of your son with limited visitation. Maybe a provision that leaves it at your discretion, if he puts in a request 30 days ahead of time.
Click me, click me!
"know that lets say 5 years down the road the ex gets his crap together & wants to re-introduce himself to his son my fi would not allow it. He sees it as, "you had your chance, you wanted to throw it away, now live with your decision." Which I understand & support"
This worries me. If you do this, think of how your child will feel? I had a friend who was adopted by her stepdad. Stepdad was an a-hole, he physically and emotionally abused her. He convinced my friends mom to keep her from her bio dad who tried contacting her for years, since she was little. Bio dad passed away from stomach cancer when we were in high school and she found out AFTER the funeral. She didn't know he was dying, she didn't know that on his deathbed her bio dad and her bio grandparents called every single day and were hung up on. She didn't know he was dead until 2 years after the fact. She moved halfway across the country and hasn't spoken to her stepdad or her mother since that happened 3 years ago. I would not recommend you keep bio dad out of your childs life unless you and your fiance are prepared to deal with the possible consequences.
I personally think that the BF giving up his rights and your FI adopting him are completely separate issues. Just because he gives up his rights doesn't mean that you don't ever speak about the man or tell him about his father, or if his father does decide to be responsible and get back in his life that it can't happen.
Just like he can choose to give up his rights you can choose to talk to your son about him. It sounds like this guy is going to skip town whether he is still legally your sons father or not.
Whether your FI adopts him or not is up to you and him/and your son depending on how old he is. He can still be a father figure and a good roll model whether his name is on the legal paperwork or not... If your ex did decide to run atleast your FI would have some legal rights when it comes to your child.