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TTC After a Loss
Getting to know you...getting to know all about you
Am I the only one who has been singing this in my head for the past 2 days? LOL.
Let me pull up a seat on the bandwagon and tell you my story.
Jonathan and I met in the summer of 2002. He was 26, I was 19. In January of 2003, I found out I was pregnant. Everyone kept telling me I was too young, Jonathan would never be there for me, I was ruining my life. But I didn't care. I knew better. We got married on 8/29/03, and on 9/11/03 I gave birth to my tiny little Ashton James (AJ).
All was well, and when AJ turned 4 we decided to start trying for baby #2. I got my BFP in April 2008. We were so excited, but I just had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. I can't explain why. My mom would try to reassure me and tell me that I was doing everything right, taking vitamins, eating healthy, so when I started to get into my 2nd trimester I began to relax. Mom had to be right. I was doing everything by the book, so naturally everything should be fine.
But it wasn't. We had out big u/s planned for 10 weeks, so we had plenty of time to obsess about it. Even AJ was stoked. He kept saying he wanted to see his baby on the tv. So when August 7 rolled around, the 3 of us went to do just that. All was fine at first. We saw the baby moving, found out it was a boy. Then the tech got super quiet and the next time she talked she was crying. I knew it was bad. She said she had something wrong with his heart, and I lost it. I sobbed so loud I'm sure I terrified the other pg women in the office, not to mention poor AJ.
Jonathan said "but you guys see problems on ultrasounds all the time that turn out to be nothing, right?" She shook her head and said "not this time."
The next day we met with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist, had a super long ultrasound, and they brought in a pediatric cardiologist to confirm the diagnosis. Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or HLHS. The left side of his heart had not formed properly. This included the left ventricle, aorta, and mitral valve. The cardiologist asked us to come in after lunch and talk about Brady's condition more in-depth.
In the break we had, we called friends and family. Particularly we stayed in regular contact with my mom. She, my stepdad, and AJ had left that morning for Disney World (the trip had been planned for months). People were looking HLHS up on the internet and reading to us about it. We started to get hopeful hearing about the surgeries available to ideal candidates.
But when we met with the cardiologist we learned that not only was Brady far from ideal, his was the worst case anyone in the cardiologists office had ever seen. We learned that our little boy's lungs would not form properly, and the combination of that and his hearts inability to pump blood to his organs would cause him to suffocate once he was born.
We struggled over the weekend and made the decision Monday morning to let him go peacefully in my stomach. I hate saying "terminate" or "abort." It wasn't like that. I needed to make sure my baby boy would never know an ounce of pain. I wanted him to only know the love his daddy and I had for him.
Long story short, I was admitted to the hospital on a Tuesday, they performed something similar to an amnio, but they removed more amniotic fluid and replaced it with saline which caused an electrolyte imbalance and stopped Brady's heart. Then I was taken to a room to deliver his body, but after 6 bags of pitocin, 12 doses of a suppository to stimulate dilation, and nealr 48 hours since I had been admitted he still wasn't out yet. I finally delivered him Thursday morning--8/14/08. We held him for 2 hours, dedicated him, then released him to be cremated. We had a service the following Saturday, and planted a tree in our back yard (pics in blog).
We're now on cycle 6 of TTC. AJ wants to be a big brother so badly, and I want to give him that.
Thanks for reading, sorry so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting to know you...getting to know all about you
Wow your story made me cry at my desk at work. I am so sorry for everything you went through.
Hugs
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. -Eleanor Roosevelt
After 1 year of TTC#2 BFP May 2011 m/c #3 4w2d. Off to RE.
Round 1: Femara + Ovidrel +TI = BFP! EDD 2/20/12
2IF does not always equal 3IF...Surprise!