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How do you SAHM's get any time to yourself?
I keep telling DH that I need at least an hour to myself each week otherwise I'm going to flip out at him or baby. We talked about this last summer and I have yet to get said time to myself. DH doesn't want to deal with DS crankiness when I leave. So, I haven't been able to get out of the house by myself or get more than 10 minutes a week to shower. I have resorted to washing myself standing at the bathroom sink so I can keep an eye on DS while he either plays or screams at the gate reaching for me depending on is mood. Yes, I know this sounds awful but I'm just wondering. DH is really good about everything else except he's just dense at understanding that I need some time to myself each week. Or are you just waiting until your DC's are much older...say schoolage... before you look to getting any time to yourself to destress or relax or whatever you want for alone time?
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Re: How do you SAHM's get any time to yourself?
I get time when DS is napping- he's a really good napper though (2x1.5-2hour naps a day). That's about it. Still, I'm going to go nutty (if I'm not already there).
I think it's probably going to be more like 18-20 years lol
Joseph Henry was born at home on March 9, 2009
Nora Mae was born at home on October 30, 2011
Mostly, I don't
If I want to go to the store, get my hair done, whatever, DH is really good about making that time for me. I don't do it often though. Maybe one lone trip a month. Probably more like every 2 months though. With exception to quick runs to the pharmacy, etc.
My hubby is deployed so it's only me and the kid these days. For showers I just either wait until he's taking his infamously short naps or I just put him in his crib and let him cry. It's something I've got to do and I stopped feeling bad about it because I need the break or I'll snap.
Soon I'll be taking him once or twice a week to the hourly daycare they have here on post for just a couple hours. At first I didnt think it was something I'd take advantage of but like you, I need a break.
I also think I might hire a neighborhood girl to come to the house for a couple hours maybe once a week to play with DS. I'll still be here but will have a few moments to do whatever project needs my undivided attention.
I schedule it. Lately, he's been working long days and not coming home till 7 or 8 in the evening... weeks like that he takes care of Adam most of the weekend so I can sew and do what I need to do.
During the day, I use his naptime for my me time. I don't do anything around the house with that time... it's mine. I shower, I use the computer, I nap...whatever. Dishes and laundry can be done when he's snacking or playing in the kitchen with me
I flat out wouldn't deal with his not wanting to "deal." It is his child too. You can't just ask for assistance or hope he realizes you need it. For me it was a matter of realizing that he needs to learn how to soothe her, and more importantly that I need to let him have that opportunity by handing her over sometimes when I need the break at the end of the day. Maybe start small with 10 or 15 minutes. He should get more comfortable and hopefully he will realize what a small and easy thing it is for him to give you some you time.
get a non slip mat and put DC in the shower with you.
on a day off when DH is home, hand the baby off to him and go do whatever. he needs to learn how to deal with the crankiness, he is a parent too. you need to be more assertive if you are going to get what you need.
if that absolutely doesn't work, find a babysitter. I've found several SAHMs who do drop-in daycare and it's 100% worth it to pay 8 dollars an hour for me to go run an errand in peace or even take a nap.
big ditto.
DD cries when i leave her with DH, but its only for a minute and pretty much anything distracts her and she's fine. oddly the more you leave the easier it will be for everyone. your DH needs to step up and act like a parent. he's not a visiting adult, he's the father and parent of this child! and taking care of your child on your own is a big deal. no way on earth would i be sane right now if DD didn't spend some quality alone time with DH (and my MIL every now and then).
so i completely agree w/ the tough love. maybe not for 2 hours, but maybe a quick run to the store at first, then a little longer (just so your LO gets the idea that you are coming back).
I have left him with DH since he's been born. I have been out by myself a total of four times. It's within the past few months that this is becoming an issue again because I'm ready for another break to go out by myself and it's had me increasingly frustrated that I haven't had a break from either of them for awhile.
ditto on this one as well. Just to add to her advice...DH and DC cannot bond if they don't have time together. If DH is nervous about "dealing" with DC leave him a little list of tips that have helped you "deal" with DC's temperament...things he can do with him, snacks that he likes etc. That might build his confidence and ease him into feeling more comfortable and actually wanting to spend time with DC.
That having been said you do need to just leave, they will be fine. Children are resiliant and they will addapt and you need to take time for yourself, you can't give and give and give all the time and not fill the reserve back up. Just do it...if your waiting for DH to suggest that you take time for yourself it will never happen, you need to demand your time so that you can be the best version of yourself possible. good luck and lots of *hugs*
DS is 18 months and honestly I feel like I have a lot of time for myself. He takes a nap every day and I relax. I incorporate him into most of my household chores - he loves to help clean and do laundry. He will play outside for hours - I just keep the door open and can kind of do chores while watching him. He also goes to bed at 8, so I have the next 2 hours to do whatever I want. If he is having a bad day or is sick, then he can be really clingy, but most of the time, we have a good rhythm together.
Oh, and if I can't get a shower during naptime or after he goes to bed, then he just takes one with me. He loves it and will stand in there until I am getting ready.
Try including your son in the things that you want to/need to do. He might enjoy them too. And get a sandbox - they are magical.
"Dear Hubby Darling Pants. I need some time to go out and be ME. I will be having dinner with Tina and Kelly and Trish at 7pm on Friday night. Not sure when I'll be home. Thanks! Love ya!"
I mean, you should NOT grow frustrated and resentful. Just do what you need to do. If you are resentful and frustrated, the problem lies in communication. You haven't communicated your needs.
I totally agree! I'm not a SAHM, but when I was on maternity leave ( and even now) I just told DH when I needed a break. An easy way is to extend a shopping trip a bit. If you do the grocery shopping go around lunch time and take 1/2 hour to grab some fast food, sit in the restaurant, and read a book or whatever you want to do. I also sometimes find it easier to go out at night after DS is in bed, not because DH can't handle putting him to bed but because I'm nursing and if I go after DS is asleep I don't have to worry about pumping.
Don't feel bad or guilty about needing time off. You will be a much better mommy because of it and DH will be a better daddy if he can bond a bit with your DC.
I say this not with snark, but with objectivity:
Your situation is unacceptable. One outing alone every four months is not okay. IMO, one outing alone every week is almost unacceptable. You can't shower. You can't shower? You are being deprived of your basic hygiene needs here. This is so far past acceptable, I don't even have words for it.
Your husband needs to grow a set, suck it up, and help you out. Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the one to hand him the grow-beans to make this happen, if it ever will.
I wish you courage in this situation. It will take some persistence, and probably (unfortunately) tears to accomplish your goal. With 16 months of ingrained habits to break, you have a task ahead of you.
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It isn't right.