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2nd Trimester
My first hysterical PG Moment (long)...
DH and I are an inter-racial couple, which brings up issues that we never saw coming. I wasn't raised in stereotypes and as an adult am completely oblivious to racial slurs, etc. I always thought that this was a good thing, until now...
I posted this part before, but when we first registered I had picked out this cute monkey sheet set. I even showed it to DH online and he said that he liked it, too. When we went to visit his family his sister took me to BRU and I showed her the sheets that we picked out. She went home and told my husband that she couldn't believe that he was going to allow me to let a black baby sleet in monkey sheets. I didn't even know that this was a problem (and of course the infamous New Yorker cartoon came out the following week)! While driving home DH says, "By the way, you can't have the monkey sheets. They offend my family."
We talked about it later and he said that all monkey items were out... no monkey clothes, toys, etc because his family would be mad. He said that he personally doesn't care, but that he doesn't want a start a war with his family. I don't want to start a war either, but this whole thing has morphed into other issues.
Example 1: Now when we pick out baby clothes, etc I feel like I need to clear things with him. Can it have a monkey on it if there is a whole zoo involved? What if it says, "Jungle King" on the shirt... is that offensive? He thinks that I'm mocking him, but I genuinely feel confused. I've never thought that way before and he's given me a complex over my ability to pick out clothes for our own baby.
Example 2: If our kid comes to us when he is 4 years old and says that he wants to be a monkey for Halloween, what are we going to tell him? "No, you can't because you are 1/2 black?" I don't want to raise our kids to feel different, or to walk around expecting that people are going to make fun of them... but I also don't want to let them blindly walk into situations and not be prepared for people's reactions.
DH came home on Sat night at 3am all drunk from a night out with the guys. He wakes me up and wants to talk about his night (this used to annoy me, but now I think it's kinda cute). Somehow we start talking about our trip to BRU earlier that day and he says that I'm mocking his decision to ban monkeys by asking questions in the store.
So of course I start crying and I'm just so upset that he keeps making me feel so stupid and ignorant. I tell him that he makes me feel like I can?t raise our baby because I?m so oblivious to what is ?okay? and what is racist. I don?t want to tip toe around his family for the rest of our lives when what should matter is what WE want. Once I got started I couldn?t stop crying no matter what DH said. We ended up staying awake until 6:30am just talking and trying to get me to stop sobbing.
I just remember watching Black in America on CNN a month ago and a black woman was upset that since she married and had children with a while man that her children wouldn?t be raised ?black?. I don?t even know what that means! DH didn?t either, but the mom was furious because her oldest son said that he felt ?white?.
I just want our kids to be confident little people who are proud of being a little bit of everything (Jamaican, Irish, German, Greek, and Native American). I don?t want them to grow up with a complex? and I also don?t want DH?s family to look at me and think, ?Oh, silly white mommy.?
Either way, I'm glad that I married a supportive and understanding man. I'm even more glad that we can talk about everything so that small things don't become big things.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My first hysterical PG Moment (long)...
Sounds like you've found the silver lining--you've got a good man and that's what will matter in the end. ?
Sorry to hear that the BS rages on. ?I'm going to facebook you to make a lunch date!?
i can't stand it when people pull the race card- my dad's side did it all the time when i was growing up (my dad's black, my mom was white)- but when he married my s-mother (who's also black) she put a stop to it because it was so out of hand. i was the "whitest" looking cousin & i never heard the end of it. i was also always called "the monkey"- it also took them forever to accept my uncle's common law wife (who's white)- they'd always call her "white michelle", saying that they were joking, it was insane! that's one of the reasons she never had kids actually, because they're were so annoying. they've chilled out a bit now, but it sucked for awhile.
everything was about race & it totally doesn't need to be. i'm mixed & my husband is white, thankfully we're on the same page & so our are families. in fact my entire immediate family is mixed, we have white, black, spanish- everything!!! we're all different colors & i think it's awesome.
basically i think you should do whatever makes you happy- if you want to put your child in a monkey shirt then DO IT! don't let his family influence your choices. it'll be hard, and prob. cause some tension, but you raise your child how YOU want to. and i know your husband doesn't want to "start a war" but please, he's a grown man & this is HIS family- not theirs. i'm sure there's a middle ground you can come to.
honestly his family has no reason to be offended by monkey sheets. if they want to let the ugliness of racism rule their lives then that's their choice. a monkey is a monkey- it has nothing to do with your child.
good luck!
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