Blended Families
Question for Bio Moms :)
Good afternoon ladies!
Work is a bear today but I got a few free minutes... I was reading some posts and one got me thinking...
Being a BM, what kind of stepparent do you want your child to have? I kind of think that if I were a BM and had to deal with a SM, I'd want them to be nice - but no discipline, no "motherly" stuff (including calling them mom, etc.)
So I was just wondering what kind of relationships the BM would like the SM to have with their kids? Being nice is obvious, but I mean deeper (taking a concern about schooling, etc.)
Have a great weekend!!
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Re: Question for Bio Moms :)
Well, I'm a little bit lucky here - my ex's wife hasn't ever met my daughter. But then, my ex doesn't really see her ever either, so it is working out well for us right now! If she were to suddenly be involved, I would hope that she and my DD could have more of a friendly type of relationship - go shopping, talk about japanese things (Ex's wife is Japanese, DD is very into Japanese culture), and just share things that way.
I know my DD loves me, and we have a great relationship, so I would hope she could have a good friendly relationship with her SM as well.
Discipline-wise, unless DD was staying with them for extended times at their home (which I don't see, given that they live half way across the country), I would expect DD to follow the rules of their household, and to be given the same types of punishments there (grounding, extra chores) as she has here.
I try to be the kind of SM to SS that I would want for my daughter if her father and I were ever to divorce. I know that I made some blunders at first when I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing, but I do try!
I would want her to love my beautiful daughter, and treat her with kindness and understanding. I would hope that we could get along and work together on issues concerning DD. I think that there are just some things that women pay attention to that men just don't think about...so I wouldn't want a "contact with the ex only" that a lot of BMs want, more like a working relationship with all adults involved.
As far as discipline, I think it is completely unrealistic and detrimental to expect that a stepparent hands out no discipline. When you leave your child in school or in daycare or anytime they are not with you, you give that other person the authority to discipline your child. A stepparent is no different. It is also unreasonable to expect that the Bioparent is there with the Stepparent at every moment when discipline may be necessary. I would expect a stepparent not to hand out physical discipline of any kind, and that the bioparent would hand down any really major punishments. But I would expect that a stepparent enforce rules and hand out consequences.
I would never be ok with DD calling someone else mom. I think there are "motherly" things that I wouldn't want the SM doing but hopefully with communication there wouldn't be much overstepping. I would hope she would check with me before doing anything thats iffy. Most of it is pretty common sense...my SS keeps asking me where babies come from and I just tell him his sister came from my belly. I remind my DH that he keeps asking me and leave it at that. Thats a conversation for mom or dad to have. Don't buy her her first bra or have the period talk with her, etc.
This is a tricky question beings I am the one "playing" mom to my SS. And I feel hypecritical to give my opinion of what part my exs girlfriend should have in my DS's daily life. My ex has physical custody. I think that if she is sharing his daily life, she SHOULD show concern for that life she is being allowed to share. Meaning she should be concerned with schooling, including helping with homework when needed. Although I would hope she is asking him to complete his chores and such I expect to have any "real" disciplining to my EX or myself. I don't expect her to never discipline meaning time out, and sent to his room are exceptable. EH and I have an agreement that DS will never call the other's new spouse mommy or daddy and I will keep him to that. My SS does call me Stepmommy and I do correct him when he accidentally has called me mom or mommy. I want her to WANT to be involved and not make it seem like she is forced to be.
I am just the SM and don't have any children of my own yet but I wanted to chime in.
First of all I would never want my SS to call me mommy. No matter how crappy I think his egg donor is she is still his mommy. That is one roll I will never have.
When he is in our home he is expected to follow our rules and respect me like he would his daddy.
I have had to smack his hands a time or two (he had a problem with trying to unplug the electrical outlet covers and time outs weren't working. I would rather have his hands red then have him get shocked. Flame me if you wish.) and put him in time out but I leave the big punishments to my husband.
There are times when SS and I go out and have our day together without daddy and I enjoy the bonding time.
I think it is unreasonable to expect the bioparent to do all punishments. That shows the child that they dont have to listen to the stepparent and I think that only breeds animosity.
Just my opinion.
Actually, I want them to have structure in their home, discipline if necessary as long as it's reasonable, someone who loves my daughter like their own. I don't care if she calls the SM mom as long as it's genuine from pinky's heart and not something that's forced upon her.
Honestly, that's the only way she's going to have a decent relationship with her father. He's a dumbass and really doesn't seem to know the first thing about being a decent father. He doesn't take an active interest in her, aside from the show off my cute daughter aspect, unless there is a woman behind him he can show off to.
Click me, click me!
Good question! My first thought is who the heck is going to want to marry my ex??? Good luck with that missy whoeveryoumaybedon'tdoitrunfarfaraway!
I would hope that if/when this ever happens that this woman would love my DS as her own. I wouldn't want him to call her Mom because that is my role, DS calls my friends' husbands, my brother, even MY dad (his grandpa) Daddy because he doesn't have a clue what one is or what the name means. Most male figures in his life he has once or twice (or more) called them Dada or Daddy the poor guy. Okay, off track...
I wouldn't have a problem with discipline by the SM, because Im sure STBXH doesn't do any. I would expect DS to follow rules set in their house and to be respectful of them. Hopefully she would actually cook so DS isn't continually carted to restaurants as he is now, and she would play an active role in getting STBXH play an active role - step up and BE a father for once, not just when you don't have something else going on.
Sorry, this turned into more of a vent than answer to your question :P
My oldest 2 kiddos have a stepmother and I do not mind her disciplining them when they are in her house. I actually wish she took a more active role and would come to ballgames, school stuff, etc.
I am a stepmother too and I treat her just like my other kids and she calls me mommy. She lives with us and daddy works out of town M-F so I do most of the disciplining. I think it just depends on the situation.
Have you expressed that you would like her to attend these things? Maybe she doesn't want to step on your toes. I suggested attending Back to School Night one year (not a conference!) so that I would have a better idea of what was going on with SS's schoolwork since i do help with his homework and BM freaked out on me about knowing my place and how his daycare provider should go before me.
"As far as discipline, I think it is completely unrealistic and detrimental to expect that a stepparent hands out no discipline. When you leave your child in school or in daycare or anytime they are not with you, you give that other person the authority to discipline your child. A stepparent is no different."
... Not only is it not different, it has the LEAST difference of any situation. I completely loathe the idea that a SM or SD should *not* discipline a child. If there is a child in your home, and you're fulfilling the role of a parent to them, even though you might not have blood ties, you have a respsonsibility to give that child guidelines, and teach them respect. Discipline does not mean spanking, it means guidance- literally, look it up naysayers! I would most definitely expect my H's wife- God forbid we divorce- to put my kid in check if he was rude to her or did somethign wrong. Why would one *WANT* their child to ignore the advice of another adult concerned for them, and show blatant disrespect? It's a ludicrous idea...
No dicipline??? HUH???
I am not saying they should smack you kid around but adhering to rules and having consequences if you dont is part of life. Should that stop if your child is with their step parent?
Ok, I'm a SM so I know this question wasn't meant for me....
But I hereby apologize for disciplining my SS and "mothering" him. I'm sorry I made him do his homework. I'm sorry I took away TV privledges when he acted a brat and didn't listen to me. I never should have helped him with his science projects. And that giant pinata he forgot to do for spanish class until the last minute? I'm really really sorry I stayed up half the night using a hairdryer on the thing so it would dry and he wouldn't fail a major grade. I'm sorry for quizzing him on spelling words. I'm sorry for baking him birthday cakes. I'm sorry for painting a mural in his bedroom just like he wanted. I'm sorry for washing his laundry and making meals that I know he likes. I'm sorry for teaching him to cook better than his BM cooks. Oh, and for teaching him how to do his own laundry and how to sew on a button. And sorry for sometimes forcing him to try new foods and eat his veggies. Oooh, also sorry for driving an hour and half across town after work to go to his school play and to attend meet the teacher nights. And sorry for enrolling him in weekend taekwondo classes that he wanted so badly and for washing his stinky uniform every weekend for 4 years and hemming the pants and sewing on badges. So sorry.
God, what a horrible person I am for "mothering" him when he's in my home.
And I'm so freaking thankful that my SS's BM isn't hung up on if I "mother" him or discipline him.
Honestly what I expect and hope for is an involved parenting role. I also think it becomes even more important for custodial Stepparents. I do expect the SM/SD to encourage and instill morals, values and disapline. I would hope that the other parent has chosen a new partner wisely who has similar hopes and dreams for our children.
okay that's my puppies and rainbows answer and it's how my own SO is with my kids. He does the action verb form of the word Daddy. He's there for concerts, scouting events, homework, doctor/teacher appointments. He's there in the trenches w/ me raising the children.
Now I actually know my ex and his GF and it's really get the F away from my kids. The Courts took her kids away from her and she only gets daytime visits with them for a REASON. There is no way in HEL L that she's getting any influence over mine. I'm could easily get to a point w/ her if she even had the balls to talk to me that if she looked at my kids crosseyed I'd cut her.
My ex is abusive and probably narcissistic or Boarderline personality. Good reasons why my oldest no longer has any contact with him and my youngest only sees him for 5 hours every other sunday.
"Ok, I'm a SM so I know this question wasn't meant for me....
But I hereby apologize for disciplining my SS and "mothering" him. I'm sorry I made him do his homework. I'm sorry I took away TV privledges when he acted a brat and didn't listen to me. I never should have helped him with his science projects. And that giant pinata he forgot to do for spanish class until the last minute? I'm really really sorry I stayed up half the night using a hairdryer on the thing so it would dry and he wouldn't fail a major grade. I'm sorry for quizzing him on spelling words. I'm sorry for baking him birthday cakes. I'm sorry for painting a mural in his bedroom just like he wanted. I'm sorry for washing his laundry and making meals that I know he likes. I'm sorry for teaching him to cook better than his BM cooks. Oh, and for teaching him how to do his own laundry and how to sew on a button. And sorry for sometimes forcing him to try new foods and eat his veggies. Oooh, also sorry for driving an hour and half across town after work to go to his school play and to attend meet the teacher nights. And sorry for enrolling him in weekend taekwondo classes that he wanted so badly and for washing his stinky uniform every weekend for 4 years and hemming the pants and sewing on badges. So sorry.
God, what a horrible person I am for "mothering" him when he's in my home.
And I'm so freaking thankful that my SS's BM isn't hung up on if I "mother" him or discipline him. "
AMEN to that reply! I wish I had thought of all that!!
Well... Im deep in a court battle due to my XH new wife. Im so bitter towards the whole thing it is really sad. In the begining I had every hope that I would get along great with whomever my XH married later. It just didn't work out that way I guess.
All I can say is what I want as the bare minimum. No hitting my kid, no telling me that you ARE my childs mother, no telling me that my child would be NO WHERE in life if you hadn't come along, no calling me names in front of my child, no calling my child names... you get the drift. If the SM would just be loving, kind, and NOT hit my child... I would be on cloud nine.
I had once wished we could all be involved in my childs life and ALL attend school functions etc. Being civil and polite to one another is important to me and I think children benefit greatly from knowing all their parents love them and are working together for them. This woman has mental problems though and I really have no hope of things working out like I had wanted them to. At this point I will settle for my child being allowed back in their home and not hit by the SM. It isn't easy being a BM because everyone just assumes you hate the SM no matter what. I honestly tried very very hard to like this girl. I was overly nice to her, but she crossed many many lines and like I said, her mental condition makes it impossible, and threatening my life sure hasn't helped.