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Blended Families
Can someone explain to me
Why is it a bad thing for your SK to call you mom or dad? If they do it on their own accord without being coaxed I don't see what the big deal is. Especially if the real parent is hardly in the picture.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can someone explain to me
But, if they are in the picture, they should be the only ones with that title. Otherwise, it causes too many hurt feelings, and can cause a lot of confusion.
How would you feel if your child called someone else mommy?
He is with his mother full time. He has a mother, she is deserving of that role in his life. It would be horribly selfish, IMO, for allow him to call you mom-you are not his mother, and to allow it takes away from his BM.
A situation in which a mother is not involved in her childs life is TOTALLY different from what you are talking about. Still, I think it is a rare occasion where it would be acceptable.
First of all, "Hardly" is subjective. Time spent together does not negate the relationship nor feelings. Hell, that would mean that most divorced military-deployed parents could loose the title because they are hardly in the picture right now....
Second, there IS something to be said about the biological connection between a parent and their child. WHY - because without that biological parent, the child would not exist in the first place. Right?!?
So unless the PARENT has forsaken this connection, through real neglect or abuse, they are still the MOTHER or FATHER of that child. And they EARNED that title.
That does not mean that a loving StepParent shouldn't have a special meaning name if the child wants it. You just need to find the right one for your situation.
There IS a difference to the term Grandfather/Grandmother. Most cultures AROUND THE WORLD call their elderly by those terms, even if there isn't a biological connection. So you cant really use that as support for overstepping your boundaries.
Who is overstepping their boundries? I'm simply stating my opinion on the subject. Last time I checked, that was allowed.
And you have a good point about the grandparents. But what about, let's say, parents of your best friend's and everyone in your circle calls them Mama and Pops even though they aren't their parents. Is that wrong too?
Sorry, I don't think the simple act of giving birth EARNS you a title. Sadly, there are BMs and BFs that spend less time parenting than any other fellow mammal. I wouldn't say that is a father/mother.
I wouldn't force a child to call his bio mom or dad by any title the kid wasn't comfortable with (though I did gently remind youngest SS on his last phone call last month to say "mom" instead of "BM name," but he usually does on his own. I think he's just feeling a bit disconnected and I didn't want her going all psycho thinking I've been telling him to call her by her name instead of mom. He's never refused to call her mom.
Likewise, I wouldn't stop a child from giving the title to whomever caregiver they wanted. Yes, I'm a SM and I'm biased.
Very well said. My point exactly.
In your situation, your BM is not only NOT in the picture, but a detriment to the children. You ARE the parent.
HOWEVER, if the BioParent is in the picture and not abusive to the child, then why would YOUR relationship trump the one already set at birth?
I would kill any step-mother who would even ALLOW my daughter to call her mom, mommy, or mother, let alone encourage. I am her mother. And no matter how wonderful that StepMom is, she has not earned that title.
The same way I would never ALLOW my SS to call me mom, even though I have been a more supportive, mother figure than his own mom. Why, because she earned the title by giving birth and being in his life.
Again, APPLES and ORANGES. BOTH Parents are ok with the child using the term of endearment. I doubt that YOUR parents would have allowed you to call a family friend Mama / Pops / Aunt Sue / etc if they were uncomfortable.
My SD 's BM was in jail the past 3 years and SD doesnt remember her. When she calls (she lives in a different state with her other two kids) SD refers to as mom. She has told me she wants to call me mom but cant call me mom because me and her daddy arent married yet (happening soon just not quite there yet). I thought that was pretty smart for a 5 year old
Another situation is my best friend has a SD and her SD gets to see her BM rather frequently. She calls her BM mom but she also calls my friend mom when she is with them. Now when she talks to her BM she refers to her as Mommy so and so that way her BM isnt offended.
I think it should be up to the child. Maybe they feel that you deserve the title "mom" or "dad" because you are the one who's there and shows them love and attention; more so than their birth parent.
As a SK myself, if I chose to call either of my step parents mom or dad, it would be because I love them, respect them and appreciate them and that would be my way of showing it. And if one of them turned around and told me not to call them that, I would be greatly hurt and confused.
My SD calls me auntie. Her BM is still around and I would never let my SD call me mom. In the beginning she use to call me mom because she would hear my daughter call me mom so she figured she would call me the same, and it wasn't her fault she was just copying her sister. Her BM is well aware that she calls me auntie(she really calls me TiTi spanish word for aunt. Even though it was ok with BM for her to call me mom, I was not comfortable with it.
Really? It would be confusing to say to them, hey you know I love you, but Mom is a special name for just your Mother. How about we come up with a different name for you to call me? Not at all confusing.
I called plenty of old people friends grandparents, neighbors, etc. by grandparently names-it is not the same as the Mom/Dad titles.
Why did you even bring this up?
Because of the post that was DD earlier. I didn't get to see the original but from what was written about it after, I just don't see what the big deal is. Someone has a great relationship with BM and SK and is getting flamed because of that?
I think it also depends on the age of the kids. My oldest SK decided on her own that she wanted to call me Mama. Her brothers did it because she did. It infuriates their mom, who has told them not to call me that. Neither DH nor I encourage or discourage it - I've always told them to call me what they feel comfortable with, as we've done with my DD.
My DD refers to my husband as "Pappa" sometimes, or by his name more often. But, if she is talking to anyone about him, she calls him her Dad or her father - which - let me tell you - means more to him than anything.
As far as my SK's go - they are with me every single day. I am the one who fills that maternal role for them, in a way their mom unfortunately hasn't ever been able to. I get the argument that it just creates tension/bad feelings with BM, but at the same time, she's created the situation that allowed it to happen.
SO...I don't know...I think it would be weird at this point to tell my kids to quit calling me Mama, especially with the baby on the way, as that's what the baby and my DD will call me.
It is a different story when you are in a situation like PC or J&A and truly are their mother figure, not that I totally agree, but I get it.
Pinky calls H "daddy." She calls her father "udder daddy." She started calling H that of her own accord long before H and I were even dating. BF overheard H telling pinky not to call him daddy and BF said to H, "Don't tell my daughter what to do."
Oh well.
If pinky gets a stepmom and wants to call her mom, I have no problem with that. She knows who her birth mother is and she knows I love the hell out of her. I don't need to get offended or into a pissing match with another woman to prove that I'm a good mother.
Click me, click me!
Um, OK. My son calls my husband Dad or by his first name depending on what he chooses at the time. I have Never told him to call him Dad or anything otherwise. He calls his bio-dad his dad or his "first dad" if he is trying to clarify himself. No crazy scheme or "training" involved.
First, and most importantly, let me remind you that I as a SM have no obligation to the birth mother of my daughter, I HAVE ONLY AN OBLIGATION TO MY DAUGHTER! Secondly, you have put so much weight on "hurt feelings". My concern is that the only feelings you refer to are the feelings of the birth parent and not those of the child. As a SM I would never deliberately hurt the feelings of her biological mother, out of respect for my child, BUT, just as I feel that it is a blessing to have her be a part of my life, by her initiating my role as her "mom", she has shown me that I am just as much a blessing to her. I have never, nor would I ever discourage her relationship with her mother. However, would it not hurt her feelings more if I asked her not to call me mom. In fact, wouldn't that make me just as aweful as the mom that CHOOSES not to have her daughter with her.
You have continuously made the point that her "birth mother" is the only one that deserves that title. I disagree!!! It is my child that deserves a mother and if her birth mother was concerned about her being the sole owner of that title, she would take a little more interest in her child.
It seems to me that only those who have a concern for the relationship with their own child would attack a child's right to feel.
I actually don't see anything wrong with a child calling the stepparents mom or dad. ?To me, it signals the child him/herself is comfortable with that stepparent and loves them enough to call them such a special name. ?My daughter thinks its great that she has "two daddys," and recognizes that one is her real father, and the other is her stepfather. ?I think it is rather selfish of the biological parent to think that their child could only love them, therefore negating any child-rearing the stepparent is doing. ?
However, if the stepparent is uncomfortable with the name mom or dad, then maybe another special nickname could be reserved for them? ??
And for what it is worth, I am a SM not a BM, and I still feel the need to protect BM's when it comes to this. I don't even like the SS's BM, but I would protect that for her.
If the birth parent is not in the picture it is one thing, but in our situation, both parents are fully in the picture. My DH specifically told BM that her DH (the stepdad) was not to be called Dad. He is their only dad, and SF is not replacing him. It would be an insult to DH (mine, the BF).
BM has said that the kids can call me mom, but I have told them that they only have one mom and they should reserve that for her. I love my SKs, but for me it's a do unto others as you would expect to be done unto you type of thing. I would be livid if my child was calling another woman mom. BM is a good mom, and I suspect that one of the kids might have asked if they could call me mom and she said yes more out of being polite or not wanting to stir up trouble. I guess since I could never accept it, I can't imagine how anyone could.
and on another note. I venture to guess there arent too many BM on this board that have, on their own accord given majority custody to the BF just because she couldnt handle the marriage she was in, so rather then take SD back home to their home state which, she left her with her father! I have not yet had a child of my own, but just being a woman, i could never ever ever fatham leaving my child behind!!! I love my life and wouldnt change it for a second....
My DD calls my DH Papi. This is in respect to her father who still attempts to be involved in her life. DD calls her stepmom Mommy Jane. (insert first name where Jane is)
She was calling my DH Dad, all on her own but it pissed my ex off and he insisted she call him something else. So we came up with Papi. She can also call him Pop or Pops which she does sometimes.
I don't care what she calls DH or her Stepmom as long as it is said with respect and love.
I believe it's the kids choice and I'll tell you why:
I grew up in a blended family household where I was the ONLY biological child to both my parents my sister (technically half-sister) called my dad (her SD) DAD and my brother (technically half-brother) called my mom (his SM) MOM. My sister's bio-dad was completely absent (she has still never met him). However, my brother's bio-mom was around occasionally and he referred to her as mom as well. If my mom and his bio-mom were in the same room he would call his bio-mom MOM and my mom by her first name as not to confuse anyone. If his mom wasn't around he would refer to my mom (his SM) as MOM and his bio-mom as MY MOM. We had a peaceful blended family. My (half) brother's biological grandmother (who is completely unrelated to me) even made me an afghan for my DD when she was born.
I am both a BM & a SM.
My Skids (SD 8, SS 6 & SS 4) call me mommy. They started calling me mommy before we were married about 3 years ago and did the same with their stepdad. Their mom actually encouraged it (which was kind of shocking to me at first because she and DH don't get along well at all and she barely speaks to me at kid functions.) She told them they are lucky to have 2 mommies and 2 daddys that love them. She told my DH that they should call me mommy if I am doing the mommy things with them when they are at our house and she expects them to treat me as they treat her. They still know and can tell you an instant who the "real" parents and the "step" parents are. They are not confused by it. When they talk about their mom and stepdad at our house they say "my mommy & sd's firstname." When they are talking about us at their house they say "my daddy & my firstname."
When it comes to my daughter who's 9, I have always told my DD she may call whomever whatever she feels comfortable calling them. My DD calls DH by his first name. However she introduces him as "my dad" and makes him drawings and such that say "daddy." Since she calls him by his first name, when Skids aren't around I refer to him as his first name to her since that is what she prefers to call him. However, occassionally I will slip and say Daddy and then correct myself and say "dh's first name" and she will say "hey, he's my daddy too." She calls her SM by her first name too. I have told her I didn't mind if she called her Mommy as well. She is the MOM at DD's bio-dad's house. I would expect her SM to treat her as she would her own daughter. I would not be offended at any point if DD started calling her Mommy, but perhaps it's because I wasn't raised with the terms step or half in my family and no one was treated as step or half it was always just mommy, daddy, sister, brother. At this point, this is what she wants to do...it's up to her.
So we have it both ways at our house and it's not confusing to anyone because it's about what the kids feel comfortable doing....it's their choice.
I'm a bio mom with a DD and the BioF sees her EOW and mid week when he has time. I would not be offended if BD called a step mom "mom". I would want her to feel comfortable enough with the other person and feel loved by whoever my ex decides to marry to do that. If my feelings are hurt I would get over it. That is all there is to it. Our daughter's feelings are my number one priority and I would never want to break down a relationship she has with another person.
On the other had I could see BD upset because the SD would most likely spend more time with DD than he does. He wants to make sure that she knows he is her one and only "daddy" and he loves her more than anyone else ever could. I just would want her to know that she is loved and adored by everyone but I would never encourage her to call a SD dad or tell her that he is her dad. At the same time I wouldn't tell her no that is not your dad don't call him that.
That is my take on it.
Also, gin explained it better than I could. I just want our daughter to be loved on all sides and let her make her own decisions. The child knows who her bio and step parents are. Whatever she decides is great- I'm not going to break down a very personal and valid mother/daughter or father/daughter relationship she may have with another parental figure due to an ego.
Also, I in no way think I "earned" the right to have the only "mom" title in her life. I only hope that she can achieve that kind of closeness with my ex's wife.
My SD calls me by my first name, she also calls my parents by their first names. This because DH and I have always used first names for me and my parents in front of her. Anytime we send cards I sign my first name.
We do this because we are very unhappy that BM has for the last year called her fiance (they only got engaged in Dec) by the name of Daddy Greg. She did this even before they had a child together in Sept. He really should not have been Daddy Greg when he was simply just BM's live-in boy friend. BM has always called his parents Grandpa and Grandma Last Name in front of SD and now SD calls them that and calls BM's fiance Daddy Greg. DH is very hurt by all of this! He is Daddy! He does not like another man using that term even along with a first name. I know BM and she would be PISSED if SD called me Mommy Sarah, and we are actually married!!!
It really just causes hurt feelings and if the BM or BF is involved in the child's live then NO ONE ELSE should use the mom, mommy, dad, or daddy titles. DH doesn't get to be around SD a lot since he is in the military and we live 2,700 miles away, but he as involved as he can be and he should not have his title given to another man when BM is the one who left him with his child, while he was deployed and moved out of the state he STILL lives in.
Each child and age is different.... my 3 year old son and 5 year old daughter's father is in jail and will be until they are adults.
My son calls my husband daddy and has no memory of his bio dad. I wouldnt dare try to correct him, he could not understand if I tried to tell him daddy wasnt his daddy.
My daughter calls my husband daddy as well.... she understands the difference between her bio dad and her step dad. I told her she could call him daddy IF she wanted. Im ok with this.
My stepson still sees his mom a few times a year. When I first moved in (he was 3) he started calling me mommy but he was confused about the situation and since his mom was still in the picture we didnt feel it appropriate. She is kinda phasing herself out of his life. He sees and hears from her less and less. Once she gets out, then he can call me mom...