Division of labor issue - kinda long
DH and I are at a serious impasse when it comes to division of labor. I know that my DH is being an a$$, so you don't need to tell me that but I wanted some input on how to make things better because I can't be the only one whose DH doesn't pull his weight.
Essentially, I do 100% of the daily household chores except laundry and I end up doing 95% of the childcare/parenting. I do have the advantage of working from home but DD is still in daycare because I am on conference calls all day, or out visiting clients.
I've been asking him to either play with DD for 20 minutes or clean the dnner dishes to help out. He really does nothing once he gets home except greet DD, eat his dinner and watch TV. Being PG, I'm wiped out by the time DD goes to bed. His answer is that I should just keep her in daycare longer (she's there from about 8:00 - 5:00) so I can get more done during the day, and maybe even fit in a nap which to me is ridiculous. I don't see why he can't pitch in for 20 minutes.
So, my question is this... for those of you who have DH's who weren't pulling their weight, what things did you do to get them to do more? I'm in counseling (DH doesn't want to join), and my counselor has said to set limits, but I'm feeling trapped on this one since he doesn't want to do his part. It's not like I can go on strike because DD needs to eat. I could stop cooking, but he isn't bothered by having fast food for dinner, so that would only affect me. Anything confrontational (e.g. only cooking for DD and I) would backfire and cause him to withdraw even more.
Any other suggestions would be welcome!
Re: Division of labor issue - kinda long
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
First off, men need specific duties and instructions. I started giving DH a choice of 1 of 2 chores such as "do you want to clean up the dishes or give DS a bath?" Those are the only two choices - watching tv isn't on the list. We also have a certain chores that are designated to one person. Such as, DH is trash guy. He takes out the trash and puts the cans out and back on the street. Even if DH is in Siberia... i'll never take out the trash. The idea with the lazy man is that once you give him a chore don't ever do his chore! Even if he's sick!
Tell him that you've given it a lot of thought and yes, you can't do it all and that instead of putting DS in daycare longer, you're quitting your job and becoming a SAH mom because that is the only way you can get everything done. Tell him it is the ideal situation because then he won't have to do any house work! Seriously, tell him how serious you are and how great and rewarding it is going to be. How you won't nag him anymore because that is all you'll do is devote yourself to taking care of the house. I bet that would help light a fire under his arse.
What about hiring a housekeeper to come once a week?
We do have a cleaning lady who comes every other week. I know that I've been guilty of doing too much myself because I just get sick of asking and hearing that I'm a nag. I did tell him today that I'm going to start setting limits on things and that he may not like it.
I haven't yet made a list of daily chores, but think that might help us to find a solution to split things up more equally. He literally wants to do nothing when he gets home because he's "so stressed and needs to decompress" (he has his own business with about 50 employees) but doesn't seem to care about my needs or stress level... and besides, he thinks it's all a time management issue on my side. He also thinks that because he can do the big projects (e.g. like a complete bathroom remodel), that gets him out of daily stuff because I can't do those things. I guess he forgets that I help him measure twice and cut once, and clean up the projects when he's done! I have friends who are jealous that he's so handy, but they can have it if it means I'm alone in just about everything else.
He really is becoming a jackass and wasn't like this when I married him... it has gotten worse... it seems like the more I ask of him the less he does in protest. I also know some of it is tied to our wonderful economy. He literally can't sleep some nights because he worries about the business.
His Mom was a SAHM who did EVERYTHING and has actually apologized to me for not raising a better son who would do more.
Is there a deeper reason why he's not helping out? Seems odd to me that he would just come home say hi to DD and watch tv, sounds like something's on his mind. can you have a heart to hear with him? i think if you can resolve that maybe he will be willing to help you out.
We also have division of labor issues but once we figured out the root of the problem we don't really argue about it anymore. My DS is slow, when i ask him to do something, he thinks he can do it later in the week vs i mean NOW, so we listed chores that we like and don't like and divided them. for the chores that neither one of us likes to do we hired a maid 1X a month.
I also think that you can leave your DD at day care an hour longer and not feel guilty about it, if you do all that you really need a break. My DS is in day care from about 7:30-5:30, when we were both really busy he would be there 7-6.
for the record, I don't think that you should try to manipulate you husband. That said...here is what I did in your shoes, and it really helped.
1) Get rid of the TV. Not because of him, but because of you. He thinks that you have trouble with time management? Go with that. "Honey, I am having trouble getting everything done, and I think getting rid of the TV would help." In my house, we decided on one month at first, but that was October.
2) Get rid of the video games. We sent ours to the office, and DH can play with his friends during his breaks at work. He thought it was a great idea!
3) I know this sounds all 50's ish, but whenever he comes home, take 10 minutes from whatever you are doing and ask him how his day was. dinner will wait. DD will wait. You get extra bonus points if you fix your hair and make-up and offer him a beer. I know, I know this is really Good Housekeeping from the 1950's, but in my household, it has really helped him to feel understood and appreciated, and it went a looong way toward him wanting to understand what my day was like too.
4) I totally agree with assigning specific chores ("do you want to do the dishes or give the baby a bath" is said almost daily in my house too
) You have to tell him what to do. He probably doesn't know how to manage the house anymore than you would know how to fix the bathroom. I have a friend who made a chore list for her DH, and it worked. Chore lists do not work well with mine. He just doesn't do them, and it becomes a waiting game, which he always wins. I just care more than he does. So we do more of the "will you do this specific task, done this way, at this time?"
5) Let him do his own laundry...always. Just set up two hampers in your room, one for him and one for you. If he doesn't do it, then he has to walk around wrinkled and smelly...not you. It was really hard for me at first, watching him go to work in dirty clothes. but eventually, he got it.
6) pick up some weekend work if you can. Let him be responsible for the household for the day. Help him figure out what needs to be done, and how he likes to do it. This also helped my DH tremendously in learning how to feed DS, change his diaper, put him down for a nap. I started doing this about 3 months ago when DS was 6 months old. I don't think either of us realized how uncomfortable DH was around the baby until he was alone with him. now, they have fun and play really easily, even when I'm home.
i don't know if any of this will help you, but it really helped us. I kind of disagree with your therapist in telling you to "set limits." He isn't your child. Punishing your husband makes good sitcom fodder, but it doesn't work in a real relationship.
Good luck to you!
Has he always been this way? I'm not sure my situation applies but here goes. DH used to be great, then he got really sick with his diabetes and was basically bedridden and disabled for a year. That was almost 2 years ago and since then he was useless and impossible to be around. I did everything. At first I thought he just got lazy when he was sick and got used to me doing everything for him. Being PG was really hard because he was no help and it seemed sometimes he went out of his way to make things more difficult. After the baby was born I had had enough. We had several blow-out fights. I said either he went to therapy or we went to marraige counseling. We were starting to realize that he might be depressed. He opted for his own therapy. Right away they diagnosed him with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his extended illness. The dr said he wasn't helping becuase he physically couldn't. The PSTD has essentially blocked communication between the 2 sides of his brain so he just couldn't function normal. They've been doing some type of therapy to "knit" the two halves back together again. It's only been a few weeks, but it has been an amazing transformation. It's like I have a new husband. He's got a much better attitude and he's trying to help at least.
So I guess the point of this story is maybe the problem isn't you... Maybe there's something going on with him that he needs to work out.
My mom used to claim Saturdays as her own and she just disappered all day. Errands, whatever. We were left with my dad and he was forced to step up and learn to help out with the kids.
I am so sorry. I would like to give him a huge kick in the a$$ for you. My DH is helpful around the house but at first wasn't so helpful with DD. Spending time alone with her (so that I wasn't there to step in) really helped so much and made him so much more invested in her daily well-being. He's a great dad now. Not sure your DH would step up with that though.
He really needs counseling. Since he refuses (another flag), try to get his mom to speak to him and also try to speak to him again without blame (fight the urge) because he'll just withdraw. Tell him that you feel sad because you entered into a relationship of marriage and parenthood with a partner. And he has now checked out as a husband and as a father. That is irresponsible of him and sad for your whole family. I'm really sorry.
Waiting for answers b/c I am in the same situation except I work outside the home and do 100% of household chores and baby care. The ONLY thing DH does for me is make bottles everynight. Woop-de-freakin-do! He even whines and complains about having to do that. Seriously makes me not want anymore children with him.
Sorry for the complaint. Good luck to you!
I agree with another poster who said give him a choice, not a chance to sit on the couch...."Do you want to do dishes, or go give DD a bath? Can you help me out by doing X, Y, or Z?" Then stick to it. I have found that if I say nothing, my husband will happily start watching TV or puttering in the basement and I will be upstairs folding laundry, finishing dinner, and watching the kids and stewing about it....so now I say, "Hey, kids, go help daddy in the basement!" or "Honey, give me a hand with the laundry so I can finish dinner." It has worked fairly well; not all days are 100%, but it has gotten a lot better.
Good luck!
Mango2- I think we are married to the same man except mine does not own his own business!! Like yours mine thinks that because he snow blows and has saved us thousands on renovating our entire house...which is not yet done and its been a good year or more...and he is helping my MIL on her house so he thinks he doesnt need to do any other chores. He will help me with DD when i give him two choices...do you want to look after DD while i do the laundry/bath or do you want to do the laundry? He picks the fun stuff and will look after DD but tells me to hurry up! I also have to get mad before he'll put away the dishes etc...and we have fought and I have suggested counselling. After these fights he helps out and I have had his mother talk to him also...but its back to old tricks pretty soon...i do see some hope because he's now trying more but I just hate having to get all mad inorder to get help!
Honestly I never thought I would ever be in this situation and it is stressful. Actually this issue alone keps me from wanting a second baby because I honestly dont know how I would survive!
GL to you!
We had a blowout on Sunday and it forced me to realize I don't listen to him enough. This morning we had a heart to heart and he told me that he doesn't think I realize how stressful his work is. It was really hard, but I just listened, and didn't say, "It may be but I need help." I just listened.