Need some help/advice PLEASE

TXSweetheart · February 2009

Ok, up front, I'm going to ask your forgiveness if I ramble or have misspellings/poor grammer. I'm trying to hammer this post out as best I can, but my mind is going a mile-a-minute...

I am a birthparent. I placed my birthdaughter (BD) 10 years ago. The adoption is open...very open by conventional standards. We get together about twice a year and frequently exchange pictures, cards, letters and e-mails. I am SO SO greateful for the family's willingess to allow me to be a part of their daughter's life. An open adoption was not something I was looking for, I just happened to choose to place through an agency that insisted on some level of openness. Open adoption has been an incredibly healing thing though - for me to see BD growing, thriving, happy and healthy, I can't even explain the comfort and reassurance it gives me. I think it's also been a relief for their family to see me finish college, have a succesfull career, marry an amzing man and now have a beautiful child of my own...I'm not a drug addict, I'm a normal woman who chose adoption over abortion in college.

Anyway, in the past nine years the couple that adopted BD has been nothing short of amazing, but there's been a shift....in the beginning, I craved any info they were willing to share with me about BD, but I feel I've healed, I've moved on, and now it's BD that's craving to know me more...and especially to know my son more. After all this time and all our visits, I still feel a little like I'm walking on eggshells around BD's parent's. I don't know how to tell them that the gift they gave me of letting me be a part of BD's life was incredible, and that if they would feel more comfortable backing off, I'm ok with that. They wouldn't be hurting me if they chose to communicate less frequently, etc. I just can't tell if that's what they want, and I'm concerned if I say something like that, they will feel like I'm rejecting all they've done, given and shared with me...or worse, that I'm rejecting BD. On the other hand, I KNOW they want nothing but the best for their daughter and I think they may or may not feel trapped...like they offered all this openness in the beginning and now she needs this same level of openness...anyway, I'm not sure if or how I should approach the subject with BD's mom, but I've asked her to meet with me next week so we could talk. Most of our visits are about spending time with BD, so I've not had the opportunity to really talk one-on-one with BD's mom since I was pg, but after 10 years, I think it's time....now I just need to figure out what I'm going to say...

Mom's Getting Married · February 2009

First, let me just say that I am so touched by your concern for the well-being of your BD and her parent's relationship. It is beyond words how incredible that is.

So, on to how to bring this up. I really think that what you have written down here is great; I think its what you should say. I think if you went to your BD's mom and say, "Look, I know that you only want what is best for (daughter) and that you love her. I appreciate more than you can ever know what you've done. I know that lately BD has been really intent on getting more involved in my life, and I want to discuss that with you. I don't want to do anything that jeopordizes or harms your family harmony. If you are alright, I'm alright. But if you think maybe backing off for a bit or something like that is better, I'm alright with that too. I trust you and know that you will only want what is best for her and I respect that and want to do what you think is best. Just tell me what that is." Essentially, that is exactly what you are saying above...and I know that if this were my daughter and you said that to me, I would not feel like you were rejecting her or us...I would know that you, too, only have her best interest at heart and are trying to make sure you stay a good influence and appreciate that.

Good luck with whatever you decide on.

Erica

nisems · February 2009

Ditto pp - what you've said here would be lovely to say to the BD's mom. Maybe even write something out, to give to her while you sit there with her; a way to open up the communication? I always find it so much easier to write down difficult things than to say them - makes my communication much more clear!

Also, I have to say, I'm not yet a mom, but we're working towards a domestic, open adoption. From the research I've done, I've found that in the initial stages of an open adoption, the birthmom desires a greater deal of contact for all of the reasons that you've described. Then, as in your case, birthmom may start a family of her own, or heal and move on with her life, and need less contact. That point is usually where the adoptive family and child crave more contact. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't assume that you're cramping thier style at this point. The point of open adoption is that when it is a good situation (as it sounds like this one is), it is in the best interest of the child. If BD is at a stage in her life where she needs questions answered from you, and wants a relationship, then I would imagine that her parents want to give her that.

I would approach mom from the standpoint of wanting to do whats best for everyone, and opening up the dialogue in a very honest way. You talk about how wonderful BD's parents have been, but don't forget, you made an incredibly courageous choice and have given them the MOST amazing gift. I'm sure that they love and honor you for that.

Best of luck!! Will you come back and tell us how it went?

silliestbunny · February 2009

I am sorry for your stress.

Another birthmom who posts here every now and again (sorry...forgot name!) posted a few weeks ago. She said something which stuck with me.
She said that the first five years post-placement the open exchange was for HER. She needed the information and needed to heal. Once her birth daughter started her teen-age years, the interaction was for no longer for her but it was for BD. It makes a lot of sense. Teens start to struggle with self-identity and of course, adoption, plays a big part of her/his identity.

My point is that what's going on is completely normal.

Now how to handle it? I agree w/PP. Don't underestimate your relationship w/AdoptiveMom. She has to respect you and would probably appreciate a closed door discussion about how to handle things in the future. The two of you also might get some professional (i.e. psychologist) advice. If, indeed, BD is looking for her identity, it's super important that the two families have an action plan which will best support BD.

Lastly, I salute you for A) being a Birth Mom and continuing to care about BD's welfare. Good for you!

TTCgradstud · February 2009

I agree with PPs what they have offered seems very appropriate, and also what you have written makes perfect sense. The only other comment I could think to add would be if it made it easier to start the conversation say something like " I know life gets busier as DD gets older, and while I enjoy hearing all that is going on, if you find that our current level of contact is difficult to keep up, I understand." That gives you both the chance to reach a level of contact that you are all happy with.

I just wanted to say from the perspective of a potential adoptive parent, it is wonderful to hear how successful you think this match is for you. It brings me hope that we can be matched with someone who will feel the same way as our relationship progresses.

Good luck with your talk!

Married3.22.03 · February 2009

I'm sorry you're in an awkward situation! I can understand not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, most importantly your daughter's. I think if you feel strongly about decreasing contact, then I would talk to her parents about it openly and honestly. It might be weird and you might be worried about hurt feelings, but I think if you are honest and sincere and kind (which it sounds like you would be!), they'll appreciate you speaking up. The most awkward part of an open relationship is having to "guess" what the other person is thinking, feeling, needing. I "read into" my DD's b-mom's emails and what she MIGHT mean when she says ___________ (anything -- fill in the blank! . So often I wish she would just say "Hey, this is how I'm feeling right now," or "I'm just not in a place that I can talk right now." I feel like we have a solid enough of a foundation in our relationship, and of course the shared bond of our child that we both love so much, that while yes it might hurt a little to hear she doesn't want as much contact as we do, I would ultimately really appreciate her being honest about it.

Of course, the most important people are the kids -- their needs trump everyone else's. If your b-daughter is communicating a need to have more contact with you, and you're able to give that to her, then maybe that's what she needs right now. Of course you now have a son whom you equally love and care about and need to look out for, so if the day comes when you feel it's in his best interest to not be as open, then the a-family needs to be understanding of that also. It's kind of like a marriage -- it takes both sides to make it work, and there are going to be times one side has to "give" a little bit for the sake of the people involved.

I love the idea of writing a letter to your daughter. My DD's b-mom sent her a birthday card with a beautiful handwritten letter inside that we will cherish forever. It means a million times more being able to give DD *her* words, rather than explaining how she feels in mine.

Mrs.R2D2 · February 2009

I hope you do know that nobody (well, nobody with a brain) - and in particular nobody here on this board - thinks you are drug addict or whatnot just because you placed a child for adoption. Women who make the choice that you did, are the only way that some people get to be parents. And I am sure that your biodaughter's (adoptive) mother is grateful EVERY DAY to you and to the wonderful girl you gave life to, and the blessing that you brought into her life.

I think you have exceptional compassion, strength, and empathy, to put your bio-daughter first. And I agree with PP's, just tell her mother exactly what you've told us - you said it quite beautifully.

GL! Check back and let us know how it goes, or even better, we'd love it if you stayed and offered your perspective as a b-mom.

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