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Adoption
Back to Square One - We were dumped
So less than a week ago we were parents, now we don't even have a consultant. I really don't want to hash out al the nasty details on here, but basically our consultant dumped us yesterday. They have offered us a full refund. They say that they understand that we have probably lost trust with them and may never regain it. What we believe is the case is that we were too high maintenance because we called them out on things that didn't make sense, weren't ethical or just plain a lie. So yes, we lost trust.?
Part of me is ecstatic that they will let us cut ties and get all our money back. The other half says, although I don't like these people I should be able to tolerate them for the sake of finding my baby. I know the latter is not right, so we have decided to move on.
Today, we are just really really frustrated and sad. I'm just tired and don't know how to start over. We are homestudy ready, have a great profile and BM letter, have been through a dry run so we have all of the other documents pulled together for placement and have even had a failed adoption.
We felt as though we had found people who we could trust and we were wrong. We are scared to make the same mistake. Does anyone have any suggestions on finding a new consultant. We've also considered an attorney, but don't know how to even go about that. We have a full nursery with suitcases for baby packed and I'm not sure how to keep sane at this point.
If anyone has any consultants they recommend, please PM them to me if you don't want to post it on here. We went with a consultant because it was fast. In the 5 weeks we were active we saw about 23 cases, submitted for 4 and were called with two BOG's. Is that normal for most consultants or were we just working with a baby machine consultant who was working with baby machine agencies?
Thanks. ?
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Re: Back to Square One - We were dumped
I don't know about consultants (or DA for that matter), but I will say it's best to follow your instincts. ?If something doesn't seem quite right, it probably isn't. ?I can't imagine your frustration. ?The waiting, the delays and the frustration will lead you to your baby. ?When that day comes, you'll know that, while frustrating and hard, the timing was perfect because it brought you that special little one that is meant to be a part of your family. ?
Hoping you find a better situation soon. ??
I'm so sorry you are in this position. I think you can feel good that you made the right decision, but I know you are heartbroken. I don't know of a consultant, but when we were researching consultants vs. agencies, I eventually decided that birth mother support was our top priority. I don't care if we have to wait 2 years, I want a birth mom who is given tons of support. I also asked exactly how the birth moms are found, and the language used to counsel them.
So basically what I'm saying is go with your gut--check out the specifics of every agency and consultant. (I am sure you did this, so I say this maybe as a caution to others.) Word of mouth may be your best resource--have you tried the domestic adoption list on Yahoo? Those gals are great and a wealth of information.
Good luck!
I'm sure right now it doesn't feel like it, but I think you are in a very good position right now. You felt there was something "off" about your consultant, but were contractually obliged to see it through with them.
Now, you have the opportunity of a "do over." You have all the paperwork, so you're not starting off at square one, but you get the chance to find an agency/consultant/attorney who you feel wonderful about. Once you've found them, you should be able to move full-speed ahead, since you already are homestudy approved and have a completed profile.
Since I'm doing IA, I really don't have any recommendations for you, but I second the poster who mentioned the yahoo group. You will get no-holds barred truth there for sure.
I am so sorry....this really sucks for you. I'd be so upset.
What are your criteria for a match? Is speed your number one criteria?
In choosing who we'd work with, I considered what I thought were the pros and cons for each type of adoption partner.
Consultants and facillitators are generally fast but they often get cases which are more difficult. Agencies usually scoop up the "easy" cases.
Lawyers are great because most have fewer clients than agencies and facillitators. However, they vary is speed. I found a direct correlation between the expected length of wait and the price. The more you paid, the less time you were expected to wait.
Agencies are good because they have tons of experience. They have their model and it often works well. However, you are one of many couples waiting and there's little room for flexibility.
If you are open to lawyers, start asking and looking. I have a list of lawyers in CA but I don't think you are in CA so that isn't helpful
Good luck....hang in there...and know we are all here to support you!
I don't have alot to offer you but wanted to say I'm sorry! You've definitely had a rough week. We did IA so I'm just not that familiar with DA but hang in there. It is pretty astounding to think of how many agencies are not necessarily acting in anyone's best interest but their own. I guess whenever there is money to be made, there will always be someone looking for an easy way to make a buck no matter the consequences to others. At least they will give you a refund. Explain to the new consultant or attorney up front that you'll be in touch frequently and gauge how they react to that.
Good luck!
BB&J
Wow! I can see why you're frustrated. On one hand, I'm personally amazed that they offered the refund, but on the other hand, how frustrating to even be in that situation! It is awful that they didn't feel it was important to answer the questions and discuss the concerns of their clients.
I don't have any advice on finding a new consultant, but I would say that I would be VERY cautious as you go that route... *on the whole* there's a lot less accountability, as you've already seen.
Agencies aren't perfect either, but they do have the advantage of having a little more of a "checks and balances" system than individuals working alone, KWIM?
Thank you to all. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic after today. We've gotten a pretty good adoption network going on since we've started and I've been put in touch with some folks to talk with.?
I am very surprised they gave us our money back, too. I was expecting them to just drag us along and do their job 1/2 way rather than refund out money.
As for our criteria, it's nothing crazy. We are open to a multiracial case and have planned for worse case scenario financially. Mental health is a sticking point with us.
Hope everyone has a great weekend and although the shower was a bit strange timing-wise, it was a lot of fun! ?
sorry about your experiences. what a ride this week.
I attended a Resolve phone informational seminar on adoption about a month or so ago. The speaker on the call, an adoption attorney, belonged to the following network. I have no opinion or recommendation for/against this website. I am just listing for you as a possible resource based upon that phone call. Please investigate as you see fit.
https://adoptionattorneys.org/