Worried- Deadbeat FIL coming to "visit"
My FIL abandoned my DH, his mom and 3 sisters when he was four years old. It wasn't until DH turned 18 and that he went to search for his dad and established a relationship. The relationship is amicable but nothing very deep. For example, he didn't come to our wedding, doesn't send the kids Christmas gifts (or even remember their names for that matter) and has never b4 come to visit us.
Now, FIL's 20 year relationship with his 2nd wife is over. He's been put out of the house and suddenly he wants to come and "visit" for an undetermined amount of time. I am very suspicious of this man. He's never provided for DH as a child. In fact, DH's sisters keep him at arm's length. They are still pretty PO'd about being abandoned. But DH seems open to having FIL in our home. I refer to him as a deadbeat, because he's never actually ever had a real job. Sure, he might do side jobs here and there for cash, but his support has always come from the women in his life. Additionally, he's always telling us how "sick" he is... which is why he isn't likely to be looking for any work now.
I don't mean to be mean... but I don't want him here. I think FIL is looking for a new person to take care of him and my DH is just the kind of "softy" he's taken advantage of all his life. I've tried to tactfully bring this up to DH, but as you can imagine it is a sensitive subject. He thinks his father is finally taking a genuine interest in him. DH wants to show FIL the good man he has turned out to be (even without his help).
I think FIL already knows that. However, I am angry that FIL invited himself to our home and that DH refuses to ask that his stay be for a finite period time. What do you think I should do?
BTW, this is my problem because I am a SAHM and my DH is active duty military. So if FIL comes to "stay," he will be with me (in my care) fulltime most of the day and when my DH deploys.
Re: Worried- Deadbeat FIL coming to "visit"
First of - WOW, I don't envy you at all... Im so sorry that you are in this situation. I can barely stand my ILs coming over for a holiday and only spending the day let alone my FIL staying for an undetermined amount of time... I think that you and your DH need to have a talk and come to an agreement. Your house is NOT a hotel! If this man needs a place to stay then he needs to go to a hotel. Open your doors to him for a visit - but not a place to "live"
I understand your DH wanting to "show him how well he did" and "what a good man he became despite not having a dad" BUT that doesnt mean that he should open his heart, life, and house to a man who obviously wanted nothing to do with him before. Your DH will absolutely be taken advantage of and likely be hurt in the long run.
Do not - I repeat DO NOT allow this man to "come stay with you" especially because you are a SAHM and your husband is deploying! Because... he will end up being YOUR problem!
I agree with all of this. This is rude to say, but your FIL doesn't care how his son turned out, he just wants somewhere to eat, sleep & shower. If he did care then he would have attended your wedding, been interested in his grandchildren & would have made a better effort at finding out about his son's life. DO NOT let him stay with you! If I were in your situation I would find a hotel nearby, pay for his room for however long you like (4 days?) and that is it. This way he can visit if that truely was his wish & he will not be completely invading your life. Your DH needs to realize his fathers true intentions otherwise he will get hurt, you will be upset & you don't want to be left with all of these negative feelings with him deploying soon.
Just thinking more about this situation... and a way that you could possibly find out his *TRUE* intentions...
1) Tell him that since you guys don't really know him, you are uncomfortable with him staying in your house. However, you'd love to meet him somewhere for dinner or something to "get to know you" If he doesn't show, makes excuses, etc. then you know what he really wants - a freebie...
2) Get him a hotel for a few days (I wouldnt pay anything more than 2 nights but hey - that's just me!) and see if he asks to come and visit. If he doesn't and really shows no interest... again, he wants a free ride!
3) If you do decide to allow him to stay, lay out ground rules. Including do home improvements (if you trust he will do a good job), babysitting (if you trust him with your DC... I would NEVER allow my ILs to be alone with my children), lay it out that you expect that he helps you out and does his own laundry and keeps a clean room/house. See what he does with these stipulations...
I'm anxiously awaiting Hindsights response for this!!!!!!!!!!!
She always gives awesome advice!
Come on Hindsight... I keep refreshing the page waiting for your post and words of wisdom!
I would never in a million years leave my kids alone with him.... Also, I can lay down all the rules I want, but it would stress me out to have to enforce them with a man I do not and my DH does not really know.
Additionally, my DH will not pay for a hotel room when we have two empty and furnished guest rooms. My problem is a I need my DH to man up and tell his father that he can only be here from this date to this date. Preferably, no longer than 3 days. But he is so busy being defensive with me that he can not see the forest for the trees.
But it gets better... Now, DH mentions that FIL will be brining with him a man named "Anthony." Anthony will be driving FIL up since he has temporarily limited vision because of a corrective surgery. Anthony is allegedly my DH's 20-something half brother. DH has never ever heard this man's name before in life or laid eyes on him. He could be a child molester for all I know. So that would be a 2 strange men in our home. I am about to lose it!
BTW, this is my problem because I am a SAHM and my DH is active duty military. So if FIL comes to "stay," he will be with me (in my care) fulltime most of the day and when my DH deploys.
I would never be alone in the same house as my FIL. Not because he's a pervert or anything but because it just isn't proper. You need to put your foot down and tell your FIL yourself if your DH won't back you up.
If my FIL did this I would never trust him around me or my children.
If you tell him and he still shows up I would call the police. Good Luck.
OMG - he's wanting to bring some guy Anthony????
Please grown some balls since your DH has none with his sperm donor and tell them yourself.
I am getting horrible thoughts with you and these 2 strange men when your DH is far away. Please don't do it.
Warn them and your DH if they show up you will call the police.
DH is not deploying for a while. I only mentioned it because "sperm donor" could be here an extended period of time. I do not want to go so far as to involve police. I want to do my best to preserve my marriage. Because aside from stuff like this my DH is a good man and a great father. I think I may ask my SILs to get involved here since my DH cannot seem to hear what I am saying.
LOL Me too! Wow, now he wants to bring in another stranger. I would not feel comfortable with the situation & I would tell my hubby that. If he insisted on having them stay, my response would be, "Fine, they can stay in the guest bedrooms, and the kids & I will be staying at my mothers."
Your husband needs to seek therapy to help him get over the need for his father's approval. He is never going to get what he seeks.
Bottom line, you CANNOT allow two men who are essentially perfect strangers with undetermined motives to stay in your home. You have to draw the line with your husband. He is putting you and your children at risk to try and find his Daddy's love. Two night at a hotel, max. If it's important to his father, his father will find a way to stay and visit.
Sorry to be so melodramatic about calling the police. I just think it's ridiculous that you're being put in a potentially dangerous situation. I think if you do allow him to come in and "stay" a while they will never leave.
The last thing you need is your FIL feeding your DH with crap. I have seen too many of these situations end up disasterously for the wife and DH, because of meddling family members.
There are certain situations where BOTH halves of a partnership must agree. Money, family, holidays...whatever *one* of you thinks should be a mutual decision SHOULD be discussed. That should be a rule in pretty much every well-functioning household, imo.
In your situation, family staying over for more than X days (2 or 3 or a week or whatever you decide) SHOULD be open for discussion. Extended visits are an onus on the entire family. YOU are being put out by having to host his father, clean up after him, and so forth, and as such you are entitled to a say as to whether his father should come visit and you should agree as to how long, who is responsible, etc.
DH needs counseling, I think, or at the very least some introspection, as to WHY it's so important that his father see what a good person he's become and why he's so willing to ride over you and your relationship to alleviate this need. In the meantime, talk with DH, agree to a timetable and responsibilities with respect to this ONE non-extended visit. If dad isn't as cooperative and refuses to leave, talk again to DH and make FIL's life as miserable as possible in the meantime. (lol. kind of.)
ETA: Are you in base housing or a rental? Check the housing regs or your lease to see at what point someone goes from "guest" to "resident" status. I don't believe base housing allows people to stay in base housing without pre-approval other than wife and children. Many rentals state that anyone staying longer than X days is required to be added to any lease.