Adoption
ladychicago
member
IA: it feels like so much pressure to pick the "right" country. :::sigh:::
ladychicago
member
in Adoption
it just feels like we keep having the same conversations... about the countries/programs that are accessible to us, that we are eligible for, the pros and cons of each program, etc. it feels like we're running in circles with no clear way of eventually deciding!
for those that are doing IA... was there one thing or one moment that helped you decide what country to work with? did you ever second guess your decision? what factors were the *most* important to you?
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Re: IA: it feels like so much pressure to pick the "right" country. :::sigh:::
Hello again! ?We have not actually picked our country yet, but we are fairly close. ?I made a list of the things that were important to me in a country (age/health of child, health care, foster vs orphanage, program stability, cost, wait time, etc) and then looked for the program that best fit our needs.?
I looked at a comparison chart on adoptivefamilies.com. ?The chart compares the top 10 or so countries. ?That really helped me to narrow it down. ?Then I began researching the countries I was most interested in. ?I continue to research other programs (like MI), but something keeps pulling me back to Korea. ?We are attending some info sessions over the next few weeks, and that will help narrow it down even further.
BTW, I recently picked up a copy of "The complete handbook of international adoption". ?It has some good information about programs and how to choose a country.?
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Disclaimer: I'm not IA
I would think that the deciding factors, outside of what is possible legally, financially and time frame wise appropriate for you, would be what is in the best interest of the child.
Meaning, I would look at my neighborhood, my community - the school systems, my church, what other support groups exist that can help you continue a cultural connection to that child's originating culture.
I guess I would make a spread sheet of the countries which are best suited for you based on the legal, financialy and time frames. Then I would make a second list of all the different things in your community that could help you connect that child to their origin culture. Perhaps in your community there is a support group aka play group for you child with other children either adopted or not from that particular heritage/culture or perhaps you live in a community that has a high number of imigrants from that country.
What cultures have you educated yourself about? And after answering that question - which culture would you be most easy for you to bring into your child's life?
I guess this is all assuming that you are planning to be open with your child about their origins and adoption. I think it could be easy to miss the forest through the trees when it comes to picking the 'right' country to IA from. So I would just focus on the child and what country's children can you best provide for culturally.
jacksjersey... see, that's just where it gets tough. b/c sometimes we feel like we could provide the best connections for the child or cultural resources for a certain country... but then we aren't eligible for that country, or the agencies around us don't have connections there, or the wait times are long and getting longer... it is just emotionally exhuasting trying to juggle your desire to provide the best for a child with so many long lists of requirements, rules, wait times, etc. i realize there is no magic-answer for these questions, but it is always helpful to hear how other people go about making their decisions. thanks.
crystalpop... we're starting to lean back towards Korea, too... taiwan is the program we really love, but they just changed their marrige length requirement from 2 years to 5 years, so we aren't eligible (we've been married 3.5 years). that was heartbreaking. but Korea was one of the fist places that piqued our interest, so we're giving it another look. definitely keep me updated if you guys decide to move forward!
Because we're fancy like that.
Good luck to you....
Something to consider- you may want to also choose and be happy w/a second choice country. As you know, things can change almost overnight. I've seen friends get stuck and depressed because their country closes. Perhaps if you have another country that you "fall in love with" you can deter some of the issues involved when a country closes suddenly.
For us (we considered IA early on...I really really wanted IA), it was helpful to attend as many workshops and discussions as we could. What we realized was that some of our first choices really had some flaws for us. Slowly it became clear. Had we gone IA, we would have chosen Armenia w/Kyrgygstan a close second. In the beginning, we didn't even know Armenia was an option. It took us months but in the end, we really knew which countries were best for us. Well, until we encountered an issue and turned to DA. Go figure!
Jacksjersey brings up some excellent points. ?I will research our community a little to see what the demo. make up is. ?The Korea agency we are considering has frequent get togethers for the families. ?THey also have parties for the Korean holidays. ?Finally, our state has a "culture camp" each year, where kids can go learn about their culture. ? I'm sure you could find most of this in a city as diverse as Chicago.
I think we are on similar paths. ?We were also looking into Taiwan, but we have only been married 3.5 years (though we've lived together for 9). ?Also, Taiwan gives preference to childless couples. ?Kazakhstan is the other program we are looking at. ?However, I don't know how we could possibly afford it. ?The travel requirement is also too much, since we will have a toddler at home.
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We chose Peru because we love the idea of adopting from South America. At that point, we hadn't yet been to Peru, but we had been to Argentina and Chile, and fell in love. Neither of those countries really have international adoption programs to speak of, so we started investigating other South American countries that do. Once we started looking into it, Peru just ?felt? right to us.
What we found was that Peru is a very poor nation in which many families simply cannot support their children. There are many older children for adoption there, many of whom have lived with their families for some time, because their parents cannot take care of them any longer. It's heartbreaking; often the children are relinquished after one parent dies and the surviving parent can no longer manage to support the entire family alone. There are also many "street children" in Peru who do their best to work and scavenge to get by on their own.
Further research showed us that Peru has, in recent years, been very serious about ensuring the welfare of these children. They are a Hague country, and their process is long and rigorous, but it's because they want to make sure that:
1) the children are definitely free for adoption; and
2) the families that adopt them are capable of providing homes in which they will flourish.
The orphanages in Peru are, by all accounts, very child- developmentally centered (we're hoping to visit one in November to see for ourselves). They provide age-and ability-appropriate education for the children, and do the best to help them overcome delays and unacceptable behaviors.
These were things that were important to us, so we realized we had found ?our? country.
I know it doesn't help to hear this, but which country to adopt from is personal to each family. There's no "right" or "wrong" answer. It just comes down to what you are most comfortable with and what "fits" with your family and the direction you want that family to grow.
I wish you the best of luck as you flesh this decision out, as it will impact your family forever. But take hear in the fact that as long as you follow your heart and your motivations are pure, I don't think you can make a wrong choice.
Best of luck to you!
This was actually very helpful to hear. I'm actually tearing up. Thank you for your insight and the reassurance.
Because we're fancy like that.
Well, I certainly didn't mean to make you cry!
I'm glad to be able to help.
Maybe a way to frame a new conversation with your husband about it is to ask where he'd like to adopt from. If he/you could chose any country/nationality in the world to add to your family's heritage, what would it be? What does he/you like about that culture? Is it a viable option? If not, what similar countries are?
Good luck!