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friend issue...not sure what to do

Gretchen kiolbasaGretchen kiolbasa
in 3rd Trimester

i am not sure if i have mentioned this friend on here before but here we go:

i have a guy friend who i have known since college...i liked him for like a week but then realized we were much better as friends, i met him through my best (girl)friend and the three of us have always been really close

he is engaged to be married in august and he has been confiding in me lately that he is not sure if he wants to get married, there are other things he wants to do first, and he may have feelings for some other girl...

i have been telling him that if this is really how he feels that he should end it, his poor fiancee is going to have her heart broken sooner or later, so he mmight as well back out on this now

 

well today i found out from my best friend that he was caught sending dirty text messages to a 15 year oold (he's 28)  this girl was in the youth group at the church where he used to be the youth pastor. 

he had to have his cell number changed so i dont even know how to contact him....i really hope his fiancee leaves him...i just cant believe this is happening,....its so surreal

i wish i could reach out to his fiancee and talk to her about it, but i have no way of talking to her, they share a facebook and i dont have her phone number

i want to talk to him too, i know he is seeking help for it, but this is just so insane

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Re: friend issue...not sure what to do

  • nanceroonanceroo
    oh wow - creepy ... i would want to tell the fiance too ... why did he have to have his number changed?
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  • RitzaRitza

    Dont jump to conclusions just yet...

    After all this is 3rd party gossip...

    Get the 411 from the source, after all - you've known him forever... things might be different.

    In my case, the 14 year old girl was my cousins step daughter, and she was instigating the entire thing... little whore was minipulative and had people wrapped around her finger.

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  • JOEBunnyJOEBunny member

    Ick.  Very Ick.  Way Ick.  I wouldn't care if he moved to a deserted Island for it.  I would not ever get anywhere close to that guy again. 

    If he wasn't a youth pastor, I might even forgive him a bit, since I dated a 26 year old when I was 16 (he was very nice and very inmature.  I got my MBA when he got his undergrad.)

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  • Sarahb34743Sarahb34743
    Ritza is right, you'd be surprised at what 15 yo can be capable of. BUT keep in mind that if he changed his cell number it might be because he is ashamd and hiding. The only thing you can really do is make yourself available to the both of them and try not to get too wrapped into it.
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  • RitzaRitza

    imageSarahb34743:
    Ritza is right, you'd be surprised at what 15 yo can be capable of. BUT keep in mind that if he changed his cell number it might be because he is ashamd and hiding. The only thing you can really do is make yourself available to the both of them and try not to get too wrapped into it.

    Or - she's texting/calling the heck out of it and wont stop... I've even done that before.  People change numbers cause its easier than dealing with harrassing calls.

    Not defending him or anything - just make sure you get the story from him directly before judging - he might need support right now... either way it goes.

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  • christinefcchristinefc
    We are talking about a 28 year old man here! He should know better than to send dirty text messages to a child!  He was in a position of trust as her youth pastor and abused that trust in the most disgusting way. Although you only know about the situation through third hand gossip, he is still 100% responsible for his own actions.  I don't have any advice for you; I only wanted to express that I think the 15 year old girl, although perhaps not totally innocent, should not be to blame for a grown man's actions.
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  • Gretchen kiolbasaGretchen kiolbasa

    i really do want to get his side of the story too...but it really does seem like he is very at fault here.  specially based on the way he has been acting lately

     

     

    its just so sad

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  • christina-mariechristina-marie
    imageRitza:

    Dont jump to conclusions just yet...

    After all this is 3rd party gossip...

    Get the 411 from the source, after all - you've known him forever... things might be different.

    In my case, the 14 year old girl was my cousins step daughter, and she was instigating the entire thing... little whore was minipulative and had people wrapped around her finger.

    What age do you draw the line between a "14 year old manipulative little whore" and a child who is being molested? How young is young enough to be molested in your opinion?

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  • christina-mariechristina-marie

    I'd also like to add a few things as a former social worker who worked with children:

    1. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this-it always comes as a shock to people in the lives of the person being accused of this kind of predatory behavior. Listen to your heart and use your best judgement in terms of what you should do from here. From the sound of it, you're willing to hear both sides of the story which is only fair. But if turns out to be true, you seem like the type of person who will cut him out of your life-as well you should since you're having a child of your own.

    2. There is no cure for pedophilia.

    3. This is a situation with a man who is pushing 30 and a youth group attendee in her early teens-there is a HUGE power differential. Huge age difference. Huge sexual experience difference, and its appaling (yet not surprising) to me that anybody would jump to blame the child in this, or in any other situation similar to this one-and instead jump to defend the person who is accused of this. My vote is to look at the evidence objectively as it comes and reserve judgement until then.

    4. Kids typically (the VAST majority of the time) do not claim to have had sexual experiences with adults unless it really happened. Actually most of the time they never admit it. Again, evidence is what it is but its our job as adults to protect children first.

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  • manic mamamanic mama

    Gunni-

    If you have access to their facebook, regardless of them sharing it, I would send a note asking either or both of them to call or get in contact with you.

    It can't hurt to reach out to them and you don't have to get into the details with just a facebook message.

    Lillian Annette, can't wait to meetcha! Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • Gretchen kiolbasaGretchen kiolbasa
    imagechristina-marie:

    I'd also like to add a few things as a former social worker who worked with children:

    1. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this-it always comes as a shock to people in the lives of the person being accused of this kind of predatory behavior. Listen to your heart and use your best judgement in terms of what you should do from here. From the sound of it, you're willing to hear both sides of the story which is only fair. But if turns out to be true, you seem like the type of person who will cut him out of your life-as well you should since you're having a child of your own.

    2. There is no cure for pedophilia.

    3. This is a situation with a man who is pushing 30 and a youth group attendee in her early teens-there is a HUGE power differential. Huge age difference. Huge sexual experience difference, and its appaling (yet not surprising) to me that anybody would jump to blame the child in this, or in any other situation similar to this one-and instead jump to defend the person who is accused of this. My vote is to look at the evidence objectively as it comes and reserve judgement until then.

    4. Kids typically (the VAST majority of the time) do not claim to have had sexual experiences with adults unless it really happened. Actually most of the time they never admit it. Again, evidence is what it is but its our job as adults to protect children first.

     

    this helps me alot!! i really would cut him out of my life if needed, and thats shocking to hear that there is no cure for pedophillia

     

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  • Mrslove78Mrslove78 member
    Eww, that's a line you don't cross...  15?!  I'd keep him away from my child for sure.  Preditor.
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