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1st Trimester
Would you want your parents to live next door?
This topic has caused quit an argument between my husband and I this past weekend. ?My parents were over visiting and the house next door is for sale. ?It started off as a joke about them maybe moving there, but now it's more serious. ?
They have been looking to move for some time and they would love to be closer to us. ?I think them living closer would be awesome, especially when the baby comes. ?My husband, on the other hand, doesn't like this idea at all. ?I mean, at all.
He thinks that they will invade our privacy or that we'll be forced to hang out all of the time. ?(Despite what it sounds like, they do get along and like each other.) ?He just thinks that our lives might turn into "Everybody loves Raymond" and he isn't sold on them living next door.
While I can understand that, I feel like if we have boundaries this situation wouldn't be bad at all. ?I'm not sure what to do here... ?Of course there are a lot of variables in this, but just curious as to how you would handle this situation?
Thanks.?
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Re: Would you want your parents to live next door?
I'd settle for my parents living just about anything closer than 900 miles away from me, which is where they are now.
But next door? Hells no. I can't see that going well in any situation.
Nope. No way. ?A couple blocks away would be the closest I would allow. ?You and DH need your space especially with the soon to be new family. ?If he's not comfortable, I wouldn't force it (what if it was reversed?)
?
Yea, I'd have to agree. I mean, even with boundaries it would be a lot of time with the parents. I think it'd be different (and perhaps more acceptable) if they were down the block or only a few miles away. Right next door may have your DH feeling uncomfortable. And, I know in my family, if that were my in-laws moving next door (or my mom, actually) the other set of grandparents would feel left out!
So, if it were me, I wouldn't want them SO close.
Good luck! It's a sticky topic!
HUGE ditto.
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I would love for them to live in the same town...but not nextdoor. That would start to get on my nerves. Boundaries or not, they would know everytime you left the house, mowed your grass (not that this matters, just making a point), or had friends over. I couldn't handle them next door.
My parents, sure. My sister lived with them for a while with her husband and kids and they were very respectful of their privacy. My in-laws, no way in hell! They don't know the meaning of privacy. DH explained to them when we moved to Jersey that they could not just do pop-in visits. They took that to mean when they were 30 minutes away, they could just call and it would not be a pop-in visit.
NO WAY! I also wouldn't want my DH's parents living next door either.
If it's causing you and DH to argue, I would say it's definitely not a good idea.
it all depends on the type of family you have. I lived (while at home) next door to my grandparents.
We are not a family of the "drop by's" and such, we very much so respected each other's privacy. There was never a visit or anything of that nature with out a phone call or previous plans to do such.
If you feel they will be invading your privacy and personal space, I say no go. But you really have to look into what kind of family you have and how you see them conducting themselves.
My mom already does, kind of (she lives down the road in the same apartment complex). We have been here for a year and a half, and she NEVER comes over unannounced and RARELY calls to invite herself over. The only times she comes over is when we invite her.
However, I sometimes wonder how much that will change once the baby comes...
But personally, I love having my mom close. Of course she is MY mom.. if it were my MIL I would feel totally different.
My husband grew up with his grandparents across the street. The rest of his family lived with in 15 mins drive. He really likes the idea of family living close by. I, however, grew up on the opposite side of the country from all other members of our family.
Personally, i can't live in the same region as my parents. Distance is what keeps us on speaking terms. So, when he suggested that his parents move closer to us, I became very uncomfortable. I know that his mother will be in our business all day...every day. Mostly, becuase we grew up very differently.
I think it depends on your relationship with everyone and what makes your comfortable.
Good Luck!
I'm good friends with my parents, but I couldn't deal with them living next door.
I've lived four blocks away from them, and that was fine. Next door is just way too close for me!
Actually I would LOVE my parents to be close. My ma is always working and my dad is soooo low key they wouldnt invade but be nice and close. Infact my mother spoils us oh so much and it would be awesome for us.. hahaha. I never see them. Maybe 2 houses a way would be better but still...
His parents.. oh I do love them but I can ONLY IMAGINE how his Ma would be there every second of the day... THAT IS A NO GO. Cleaning up random things.. etc. No gracias.
I know it seems weird I wouldnt mind my parents but they are sooo NOT like Everybody Loves Raymond.
NO NO NO
The third NO was added after I had a baby. My MIL being 40 minutes away is too close now.
My mom and dad are older parents (70+) so I'd have less to worry about if they lived closer so in that respect I wouldn't mind. I like my inlaws and I wouldn't really care if they lived next door either. I can however see your husbands point. If my parents (or inlaws) were younger then I'd bet anything they'd be all over us if they lived right next door. They think they are being "helpful". Helpful can get annoying sometimes though. On the plus side, it makes traveling for the holidays a breeze and babysitting a snap. There would have to be boundaries for sure, but it could work. Also, your kid would likely have an awesome relationship with his/her grandparents. These days it's very hard with people scattered all over the place and so many kids don't have that luxury having having grandma right there waiting when they get off the school bus. I think it's something special.
Wow, thanks for all the responses! ?I guess I'll just hope that they don't love the house so that I get out of having to talk to them. ?Yes, I know, I'm hoping to take the easy way out. ?It's a dumb situation to be in and I don't want to hurt their feelings, but you all brought up some great points. ?
Thanks again!
Ugh, I have to agree with your DH. My MIL lives right across the street from us, I know it's not next door but it's 2 minutes away. I love her but it's too close, it's intrusive, she's always at my house. She doesn't even use the front door she opens up the garage door from the keypad and walks right in like she owns the place.
I had to laugh because my life completely reminds me of the TV show "Everybody loves Raymond". My MIL is very manipulative and it drives me crazy the way she guilts my DH into doing things in order to get her way.
Yes you have boundaries but from personal experience it causes a lot more drama than need be. You are brining a baby into this world dont' add stress to your life!
Good luck with your decision but I think you need to see this from your DH's point of view.
My parents are divorced so my dad, yah we'd love to have him next door he's a great guy and completely understands boundries. My mom, NO WAY IN HELL would I want her next door, 15 minutes away is close enough.
We do own a 2-family and my ILs live on the first floor, sometimes that's waaay too close but there are days at a stretch that we don't see them.
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No way!! Same town, okay, next door, no way. Yeah, they may not bug you, but you end up having two people knowing your every move, when you leave/go, when you have people over, etc. That closeness will cause them to become part of your marriage. If DH is saying no, I would respect his opinion. You are starting your family, and having your parents so close could definitely infringe. Plus, if DH is really against it, it could do damage to your marriage. Let them buy a house in the neighborhood or in town. That is sufficient. Definitely ask if DH is dead set against, and if he is, respect his wishes, as I hope he would too if it was the other way around.
Side story: My cousin moved into house right next door to her parents. Her parents are tired of it, already. I think she depends on them too often and the kids go over way to much. It is like they practically live together. My aunt is telling my cousin, no more kids, (she has 4), and I can tell she is not thrilled. I know she LOVES her grandchildren, but it is too much. GL!!
I would LOVE for my parents or parents-in-law to live in the same city as I do, or even just an hours drive outside the city.
But, literally, next door??? Hmmm, I think not. At LEAST around the corner so we couldn't unintentionally stalk each other's every move..... Not next door.
Funny...the house next to mine is for sale too. I would not mind if my parents lived next door because they are 40 minutes away right now and they are not big fans of driving up to my town. I'm not sure how much DH would like that...but I would love it for child care needs.
However, I do agree with the other pp's......In-Laws, NO FREAKING WAY!!! 90 minutes away is just fine by me.
Please listen to your DH...if he does not like the idea, please respect that. I would want my DH to respect my feelings if his parents were looking to live next door.
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I'm a little late to this post, but I thought I'd respond since my parents live in our neighborhood, just around the corner from us. They moved there a year and a half ago and honestly it is not bad AT ALL. But it really depends on what your parents are like, you know?
They moved from MI to be with us and didn't know anyone here or anything and we all decided they'd just build a home in our neighborhood. They are really good about not just dropping by at all hours of the day/night and unannounced. I actually cannot think of a time they stopped by without us talking on the phone first or something unless they were out walking the dogs and even then they don't stop 99% of the time. But they realize that they can't do it all the time.
We have NO obligation to do dinners with them at certain times or anything, we just play it by ear and if the 4 of us haven't eaten together in awhile (we probably eat together 3-4 times a month?) we'll make plans to go out or make dinner at one of our houses. I actually wish we did this MORE often, but we're all so busy with work, etc that by the time we all get home, we just want to do nothing.
Thankfully, DH and I have a great relationship with my parents so it's been fine. When our baby is born my mom is likely going to watch him/her a couple days a week and I will continue to work part time. (she is a pre school teacher and is quitting to nanny for a family and therefore be able to take ours as well). Having them close is important for that.
We also have 3 dogs and they have 3 dogs so if one of us is out for a long period of time it's really easy to run over and let each others' dogs outside to go potty.
Oh, and you would actually not believe the amount of times I've gone over to get 1 egg, some sugar, etc. lol Or she'll run to the store and call and see if I need anything and stuff. It's really nice!
HTH!
I knwo it's not for everyone, but I think as long as everyone involved understands boundaries and isn't too pushy it can be really nice, esp if you want your kids to be close to their grandparents.
I don't think I could handle them being next door watching my every move.
My parents live 3 blocks from us. It was our choice to buy a house in the same neighborhood. The first few weeks my dad was at our house everynight doing this and that. My DH hated it. It made him feel like he couldn't do anything with out my dad. Now they only come over when they are asked.
My mom still likes to drive by and stalk us every now and then. But thats my mom and I have learned to ingore her.
My MIL on the other hand lives about 40 min away. There is NO WAY I would want her next door to us. She will stop in from time to time unannounced and it drives me nuts. My DH doesn't see a problem with it.
I haven't read the posts people replied to you, and I know I'm putting in my two cents way late, but when I saw your post, it strikes close to home. ?(Pun not intended).
Right now DH and I live in another state from both our parents because of military life. ?When he decides to get out of the military we are planning on building our home... next to my parents. ?I grew up on a ranch and want to raise my children the same way. ?Luckily, DH loves the ranch and hopes my grandfather will eventually allow him to have his own herd of cattle. ?Therefore, he doesn't mind living next door to my parents.
My brother recently build next to my parents as well. ?His kids run back and forth from house to house, and his wife loves it. ?My parents are pretty much permanent babysitters and don't mind one bit. ?My parents and brother both have open door policies with all family members, so nobody feels the other is intruding in their lives. ?Sister-in-law is always calling my parents over for breakfast and dinner. ?The only complaint my mom had was she was gaining weight from all the food.
?So overall, my brother and parents don't live like "Everybody loves Raymond". ?Everyone gets along, and if there are disputes, everyone is adult in retrospect that they know their boundaries and as far as I know, only my father stepped over the line once. ?I think though that its your parents that want to live close to you, it would really matter if your DH is up for it. ?I understand they do get along, but I don't think I could live next door to my DH's parents.