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Babies on the Brain
If you are an only child - I need your advice...
My husband and I are really struggling to decide whether to have another baby. Our daughter is 21 months old and the joy of our lives. The issue is that she had serious heart issues in utero that caused me to be pre-eclamptic and she had to be delivered via c-section at 31 weeks and then hospitalized for 11 weeks before we could bring her home. Basically - it was a very traumatic and potentially life threatening situation for the baby and I. Because of this, my husband is petrified for me to become pregnant again, even though the doctors assured us it was a fluke and it is extremely unlikely that it would ever happen again (I am consulting the specialist who delivered our daughter to see what she says about another pregnancy, just to help us decide). Our daughter is now a beautiful, healthy little girl, with no signs that anything horrible ever happened to her.
My issue is this... I don't want her to be an only child. I have a sister and I don't want her to miss out on having a sibling. My husband is the youngest, and only boy of four children. Though he loves his sisters, he doesn't think being an only child is a big deal and feels she will get more love, attention, college education 
etc. if it is just her. So.. I am trying to rethink my position on this and not have a closed mind about it just because it isn't what I always pictured/dreamed about/imagined.
I would really love to hear how others felt about being an only child. Were you happy, or lonely most of the time? Do you wish you had siblings? Just wondering what the experience was like for you and how it affects how many children you will have personally. Thanks for your help!
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Re: If you are an only child - I need your advice...
I come from a pretty large family and love it. I have good relationships with all of my siblings and I can't imagine what it would have been like to be an only child. That said, there is a pretty large age gap between my two children. DS was essentially an only child for 9 years. I was worried about how he would react to not being an only child after such a long period of time, but he absolutely adores his little sister.
I think your husband is probably just scared because of all the complications you had. Has he actually heard the doctors say it was a fluke and that its perfectly fine for you to have another baby?
My sister is 13 years older than me (I was a surprise baby you could say!). I worshipped the ground she walked on, as a kid I hated that I had no one my own age to play with because she had her own life and friends.
However, as I got older and entered into high school I loved how my parents were so close to me and our relationship was great. I had lots of options for schools, a great budget for my wedding...
I loved being the center of their world. As an adult my sister and I have much more in common and I am so glad to have this bond. I'm on the fence. I love it both ways.
I just realized I am no help! So sorry!
I'm an only child. I had an awesome childhood, and have always had an excellent relationship with my parents. Since there was only me, my parents were able to put me through college and give me the attention that helped me excel in school. Did I miss not having siblings? As a child, not so much. As I'm older, it'd be nice, but my relationships with my friends are just that much stronger. And my parents are still my best friends.
I enjoyed it so much (and turned out so well, if I do say so myself) that I would prefer to only have one child. DH is different. He has 3 siblings and prefers we at least have two.
So we're working on #1 right now. We'll see what happens with #2.
I am sorry your first baby?s birth was so traumatic. All births should be the wonderful painless emotional experiences we pray for them to be. About your question: I don?t have a concrete opinion for you either way, but I do have some insight that might help.
I (mostly) grew up an only child, and I am beyond thankful for it. I like who I am as an adult, and growing up (my first 15) years without brothers and sisters shaped a lot of the personality traits that I have now. I am strong, and independent, goal oriented and self-motivated, and I was always a kid/teen who could entertain herself. I can multi-task like no body?s business. I was never one to rely on the input of others to make my decisions (even as a kid), which meant I wasn?t doing things to be cool and fit in. I was/am my own person. I am not being a show-boat because believe me I have the same insecurities that every woman/human deals with. I just want you to know that should you choose to have only your beautiful daughter, she?s going to be just fine. I may not have had a brother or a sister, but I had a strong family unit who loved me.
That being said when I was 15 my father (who was long divorced from my mother) got involved with a new woman who had an 8 year old son. I became an instant sister. It was a rocky start (for my new brother, not me ? I liked the idea of becoming a sister), but we got to even footing soon enough. When I was 17 a surprise baby came along for my dad and his new wife, and now not only had I experienced becoming an instant sister, but I was about to experience becoming an instant mini-mom. Because I was older when I gained both brothers I think I have a different relationship with them than more typical siblings especially with the younger one, it?s more of a parent/sibling relationship than a simple sibling relationship. Either way there is nothing in this world that I would trade them for, and nothing I would trade the honour of having seen them both grow up (they are 19 and 9 now). I do however wish I had more time with them growing up, especially the older one, I wish we had grown together. I was already 15 when we became family and I had missed the first 8 years of his life.
Like I said I don?t have a clear cut answer for you. I just wanted to share my story with you b/c you need to know that whatever you decide, she is going to turn out great regardless, and if you are not ready to make this decision right now, there?s no hurry b/c giving her a brother or a sister or both later on, will only teach her the uncompromising love, patience, and understanding she will some day need when she becomes a parent herself.
Good luck in your decision! All the best.
I am an only child--and it really depends on how you raise your child as to what she feels. My mom was my best friend so I didn't need a sister. I had close friends and cousins to fill that "void" as well. Yeh, there were sometimes when I was bored or looking for sisterly bond, but there was always someone to turn to.
There were also times when I was glad to be the apple of my parents' eyes and have such a special relationship with them. And of course, not to mention the financial benefit, but that was all extra and not really of a concern for me when growing up.
If y'all are still on the fence with it, give it a couple of years then see what you think. YD may also be able to voice her opinion on the matter at that time. And if it isn't in the best interest of your health to have a 2nd child, but you still would like one, then consider what Fred said about adoption. JMO.
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Thank you for posting this. I am so happy with the responses you've gotten so far.
I have always thought I wanted just one child, but worried that it was a selfish desire. My husband always talks about what our child will do when we die, who will they have for family, etc. I tell him there are no guarantees with relationships, and your children may not even have a relationship at all when they're grown.
Now that I'm pregnant my thoughts have not changed at all, if anything, they have only gotten stronger. The idea of having more than one honestly terrifies me. And I feel we will be able to do so much more without the added expense of a second child in daycare, college, etc. We do not have a lot of money, and live in an apt currently. If we wanted another child, we would have to buy a house in the next couple of years, and afford two children in daycare which would be well over $2000 a month. I just don't think we could do it. And to be honest, I really don't want to struggle that much. I want to be able to provide for the child we have on the way, without sacrificing so much that my husband would probably need a second job to support all of us.
I am happy that so many only children were happy with the experience. Great post!
I truly love being an only child, and did my entire childhood. I never once wished for siblings. On trips where a child would normally have a sibling to play with to stave off boredom, my parents let me bring a friend if feasible - who I was at least guaranteed to enjoy the company of.?
DH has multiple siblings. He loves them each in their own way, but has been adamant that he doesn't want more than one kid because he prefers the way I was raised to the way he was (being overlooked, never getting financial help with anything, etc).?
Having more than one child doesn't guarantee they'll get along or even like each other. One of our best friends spent the better part of his youth literally at war with his brother. To this day I am amazed that they didn't murder each other. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for their mother, because they sometimes scared me with their violence and I was rarely around them together.?
Mes Petit Choux
I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then. ~ Alice
I'm a little late, but I want to comment...
I am an only child, and I was always a happy kid. It didn't really phase me that I was an "only" child because I had so many close friends, so they were like siblings. Although, there were lots of times I was lonely, but I just learned to entertain myself. Christmas was great, because there were no other siblings to have to split gifts with (only child syndrome, I know).
However, now that I'm grown up, I see those friends who have siblings of their own, and I really wish I had a sister or a brother, for that bond. I see sisters and brothers who are so close and hang out all the time, and I really wish I had that.
So, no, being an only child isn't a big deal, as long as they aren't raised as an only child (i.e. don't become a braty, spoiled only child), and they have lots of friends. From what my mom has told me, it was hard trying to teach me the concept of sharing since I wasn't used to it and didn't have a sibling that I had to share with.
Me personally, I want to have two. I want my child to experience the joys of having a brother or sister. Maybe they won't realize this until they are adults, buts its my hope that they do.
I am an only child, and I always said "oh i want a baby brother for christmas..." type stuff when i was little but truthfully looking back I wouldn't trade it for the world, I got to travel more with my parents, I have no school loans, I was independent and confident around "grown ups" sooner than many of my friends. And now I dont worry about not having activites with friends planned every weekend because I am fine being on my own.
Actually my husband and I have the opposite views on this, he has siblings and wants to have mulitple children, but I feel like I know how to do the only child thing, I get it and I know how great it can be, Hope that helps
Sorry I am late as well. I am an only child. I had a very happy childhood and I am very close to my parents. As an adult, there were a few times that I wished I had a sibling. This being said, I see my dh and his brothers and they are not that close. He is closer to the older one but nothing like I had imagined things would have been if I had a sibling. He said that his middle brother and he fought all the time and that was their interaction. They have very different points of view about almost all topics. My dh is not as close to his parents as I am to mine. I would not trade my relationship with my parents for anything.
Being an only is not bad. Having siblings does not gaurantee that your children would be close or even get along. It really depends on the family and the children themselves.
My father is an only child and he's always talked about the incredibly strong bond he had with his parents (long since passed away). I gather from his stories that he was the apple of their eyes. He has told me he never wanted a sibling and never felt lonely. His plan was for me to be an only child as well, but my mother wanted a second. That said, my father can be extremely opinionated, head strong, and stubborn. He never will admit that he's wrong. I think those traits are probably from the fact he was coddled/adored by his parents. However, I'd say I have the same personality traits, and I'm an oldest, so I guess you never know.
Just because you have multiple children does not automatically mean they are going to be close. My sister and I are about 4 years apart and were never close, even as children. We played with each other when we were young, but once I turned 13 or so, our personality traits really diverged. We never had any sort of intense sisterly bond. Today, we probably speak 3-4 times a year. It's not that we dislike each other - we just have nothing in common really. On the other hand, I have a couple girlfriends whom I consider to be sisters.
It's a tough decision that DH and I have been discussing as of late as well. I think we'd both be happy with one, but we'll have to see how we feel after said child arrives.
Ethan Michael - 12/21/09
Norah Jewel - 2/26/14
Thank you all so much for your replies! They were so thoughtful and helpful! If nothing else, it really helped me see that she isn't doomed to be selfish and ego-centric and unhappy if she doesn't have a sibling or two
My husband keeps stressing how important friendships will be to her and this supports that. I am close to my sister and don't have a lot of friends, so I think I was focused on her being maladjusted and alone without siblings. I know there is no guarantee she and her sibling would even like each other, and the bigger thing hanging over my head is how would it be if her sibling has a disability, or mental health issue that makes the sibling "a burden" for lack of a better term to her. I know I can't have another baby for my daughter, I have to want one for all of us and I do. I am trying to make sure that my reasons are the right ones if we do decide to have another since I really missed out on a lot with my daughter due to her illness, and know that that could be playing a role in my wanting another child. I have discussed adoption with my husband, but he is so happy with just having our daughter, that he does not really want to entertain that as an option.
I really, really appreciate your input - any other responses welcome - I am weighing it all.
I have to be honest that being an only child can be pretty lonely. I had a lot of cousins to play with but no one to resemble the sibling expereince. Even as I got older I often thought how holidays, etc would be if I had a silbing to share it with.
I married my husband (the youngest of 7 children) who has a huge family and that has taken away most of the longing that I felt but it's still not quite the same because none of my BIL's that I'm close to are my flesh and blood if that makes sense.
I congratulate you for checking in with the specialist before making your final decision on this. Ultimately, the decision should be to do whatever is safe. Being an only child is not terrible, it is just something I wish I could have chnaged. GL!
Jacob Alexander 7/23/09
Allergic to Dairy, Eggs and Peanuts
Jameson Adam 6/1/11
Allergic to Peas...so far
I am not an only child, but I only lived around my older brother when he moved in with my mom and I, until I moved in with my dad and step mom who had no other children. So I pretty much thought of myself as being raised as an only child.
I guess I'm the black sheep of this group because I HATED it. Was I close with my mom? Sure.
But, when I came to live with my dad, it was really awkward because he had missed the first half of my life and I came to live with them in the middle of my teen angst years. I felt very alone. I have never once thought that if I had the choice, I would only have one child. I'm the youngest of all my cousins, so that just added to it.
I'm not trying to persuade you at all, but like pps have said, there's two sides to everything and you have to decide what's right for your family.
ETA* Sorry, just read other posts.. OOPs.
I forgot about my cousins - I am the youngest by 8 years on one side and 11 years on the other. I think the big thing my parents worried about was socialization. I was antisocial towards children my own age. I would talk to adults. My parents put me in preschool and had play dates. I was also taken to other children's houses for the entire day eventhough my mom was a SAHM.
My mother had multiple miscarriages and my parents were at the top of an adoption waiting list when I was born. The group they were going through only allowed you to have one child. My parents were 39 when they had me. I am the baby of the family as most of my first cousins are old enough to be my parents.
I was this way too. It was harder for me to make friends until junior high. I think that's why I'm still a little shy around new people IRL.
I'm an only child, and there are pluses and minuses to it.
I am thankful I was an only child in a way, because my family life sorta sucked with an alcoholic dad and all... that said, it also would have been nice to have someone else to lean on or talk with. It made me and my mom closer, but I wonder if that was the situation moreso than just being the only one.
Sometimes I was lonely, to be honest, and sometimes I was glad to have my own room, my own things, and to just be alone.
You present this as a black and white issue, only vs a blood sibling. Have you considered adoption?
HTH
I have a much younger sibling, so I was essentially an only child, and DH was an only child. Both of us feel that is not that big of a deal as a child, but it gets a little harder as an adult.
One of my least favorite questions is "Weren't you lonely?" No. I made friends, I didn't need my parents to create them for me. I actually really enjoy how independant it made me. I learned that I didn't always have to have someone else around to entertain me. I do a lot of things that some people would be too insecure to do. For example, in college, I took a scuba class by myself (and met awesome people! and boys in swim trunks!), I go to different clubs by myself (and meet cool people who become great friends!), and this summer, I'm going to Europe to take some classes for a few weeks (and I'll meet awesome people! I can't wait!)
Actually, some of my friends (particularly those from big families!) seem kind of needy to me, b/c they seem like they always need people around or else they get bored!
The hard part is being an only child, you're the one who has to take care of your parents when they're old. Holidays are hard, b/c we can't split them between families. We ALWAYS have to see his family for holidays, b/c otherwise they won't have any family around (they live far away from their extended family, and there aren't that many people in his family anyway). We ALWAYS are the ones to fix the computer, move furniture, visit when they're sick, etc. We can't just say "Oh, well, my brother visited, so we don't have to. We'll just send flowers." But, we also chose to live 3 1/2 hours away, so some of that is harder b/c of the distance.
DH feels the same way, so we're actually not sure if we would want more than one child (assuming we even get to have one. . .)