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Working Moms
working moms DON'T have it easier
I just got off the phone with my mom, who, for the most part, stayed at home while we were young. I am an attorney constantly struggling with balancing hours, being passed up for promotions b/c I say "no" to the assignments that mean less time with my child than I already have. I do everything in my power to try to do my job well while also spending quality time with my dd (I work a lot after bedtime to accomplish this, so sleep is something I can barely spell). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't beat myself up about bringing my child to daycare, even though she really loves playing with the other kids. I would never suggest stay at home moms have it easier than moms who work outside the home (as well as within it)--and it REALLY ticks me off that my Mom just had the audacity to suggest that I have it easier than she and other stay-at-home moms do, because I have "time for myself" and to "get away." It all suggests that I'm neglecting my child to have fun time for myself shlepping away making ends meet in an industry where everyone is in a pressure cooker worrying about whether they will have a job the next day. Oh yes, Mom, it's a blast! It makes me SO mad and it's insulting and I just really had to let this steam out!
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Re: working moms DON'T have it easier
Ugh ... she has no idea what she is talking about - just ignore her.
My mother in law tells me all the time how busy she is and I just nod my head. She doesn't work, has no children and lots of money to pay people to do things. Last night she listed that she takes care of their house, their animals and cooks and told me how much time that takes. I had all I could do not to laugh - I do all that (minus the animals - but she has a dog and a cat, so come on...) plus work 45 hours a week and care for another human!
I feel for you!
The grass is always greener...
Don't take it to heart. It probably means she hasn't got any clue about your job. I am also an attorney (used to work in biglaw in NY). The hours were criminal. DS woke every 1-2 hours for a year so I didn't even bother going to bed some nights I would just doze in the glider with him.
When I quit (he was about 8 or 9 months ?I think) I was SAH for the next year.
Both are hard differently. I would say most working mums do have it easier than SAHMs based on my feeling that it is darned boring with an infant and that most jobs are not as demanding as yours is (and mine was). But the exception is when the hours were so gruelling that I felt I was doing 3 jobs (2 as lawyer, 1 as mum). Definitely got less sleep as a working mum.
I think your mum just doesn't understand your job more than anything. Also she probably was more like me and hated being cooped up with babies. I longed for work as an outlet and mental space. But I do know from my own experience that biglaw does not provide that (or not without bigger drawbacks).?
?
This is always a debate on this. I SAH for 15 mo's and I then went back to work FT so I have seen both sides. Let's put it this way...both have "stress" it just comes in different forms. For me when I SAH, I felt isolated, my world revolved around my DS (as it should) but I found it hard to put 100% into my child and have zero time for anything else. I felt pressured to have the house clean all the time, get the laundry done, have dinner on the table every night, run all the erronds, live on a budget since we were down to 1 income and try to do all that with a child with me (at times who was uncooperative as babies are). Sometimes I didn't have time to even take a shower. I felt like I lost the person I was before having my child. While I was happy being a mom and being with my DS - there was still stress. I would not change having him for anything....I love being a mom. It was just a very big change.
Now that I am back to work in a stressful job with long hours, my stress is still there - it's just about different things. It is also compounded by the guilt of leaving my child all day (eventhough I know he loves his daycare and is very happy). Now my stress is about work (sales goals, losing customers, keeping my boss off my back, developing busines plans, etc...) - PLUS getting laundry done, having dinner on the table, running all the erronds AND worrying about who is going to watch DS when he is sick and can't go to daycare so I can go to work.
The bottom line is being a mom is tough regardless - however being a working mom is harder IMO. I do not have "time to myself" during the day...I am working all day...I even work through lunch so I can get home quicker to my DS. I still have a full time mom job waiting for me after I do my full time work job....and I have email to do at night after DS goes to bed. I can honestly say the stresses associated with staying home are far less than I experience now with working. You have every right to be insulted and vent....I would too!
Next time just tell her its different, you really can't compare and instead of making you feel like crap, she should try to be supportive and understanding. Sorry your mom did that to you. My mom was a crappy SAHM and still likes to slip me a little guilt trip here and there. It really sucks.
The only thing we can really do is promise not to do this to our own kids someday.
This is pretty much what I was going to say. By no means do I think SAH is some walk in the park, but it really irks me when I hear SAHMs say that working moms have it easier because they have "time for themselves."
"Time to myself"??? "Time to get away"???? You've got to be kidding, right?? If 9 hours of meeings, phone calls and people walking into my office to figure out how to deal with the latest crisis or office drama count as time for myself, then I'm definitely getting the short end of that deal. I also agree with the pp, my employer doesn't pay me for "time for myself". If I were taking time for myself, I'd be fired. Btw, I'm taking vacation today which is why I can nest in the middle of the workday. Unfortunately, your mom will probably never understand. I get the same reaction from my father-in-law who thinks I'm doing a disservice to my dd by not staying home. I do my best to ignore him and roll my eyes as I leave the room. Hang in there! Just keep doing your best for yourself and your family, and it will all work out.
Your mom is wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm sorry.. I'm going to say it. Unless money is really, really tight and you have that anxiety hanging over your head, it is easier to be a SAHM. I was home with DS for over 4 months and it was easy, easy, easy and fun. I don't see how commuting, working (I'm a lawyer too, so I get it), and feeling stressed that I'm not spending enough time with my DS is easier than getting up, throwing on jeans, playing, feeding and dressing DS, running some errands and making dinner is. I felt like I was on vacation for 4 months. I'm sorry, IMO (and I know many would disagree and that's fine), it's way harder to be working.
I have to agree with you. I'm killing myself in between working, commuting, taking care of the house, running errands, cooking, getting up twice a night with DS, and taking over in the evening once DH goes off to work. I have to think that not having to work would make my life a lot less stressful.
I'd love to be a SAHM but it's not in the budget. Instead, I teach so I deal with 26 other little kids' needs all day. I love my job, but I wish I could spend more time with DD.
What really ticks me off is when SIL (who is a SAHM) complains about how stressed she is. She has a maid and a gardener! They switched their older DD from PT preschool to FT preschool because they had to get rid of the nanny because money was tight. Now she only has to watch their 1yr old during the day and she still complains! I have to do all of that PLUS work!