- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Parenting
DH vent - would this bother you? (kinda long)
DH works too much - he realizes it's an issue and says he is working on it, but so far has not made a change. He gets home just as DS is going to sleep every night - just in time to say good night to him - so I am on my own every.single.evening.
Tuesday I had a mole removed from my leg. I wasn't expecting it to be that big of a deal, but I have twelve stiches and it is in a very bad spot. Wednesday I couldn't go to work because it was so swollen and i had to keep my leg up all day. So in the morning, DH tells me he will be home early that night. I talked to him again at 5:00 and he said he was leaving in 30 minutes. He didn't get home until 8:00.
So yesterday he tells me that Friday night (tonight) he has a work function and will be home late. SO he says he will definitely be home early that night. I talked to him again at 4:00 and again he said he was coming home early. What time did he get home? That's right - 8:00 again.
I am so PO'd at hime because he says he wants to make more of an effort to be around for his family and that he knows he puts too much into this job, but he does not change. He says that time just gets away from him and I know his personality and I know that it does. He works in the morning a home and it will suddenly be 7:00 and he's late getting ready for work. He just gets so absorbed in what he's doing.
But IMO he needs to make an effort to pay attention to what time it is and leave if he says he's going to leave. I told him this morning that I would prefer if he just does not tell me when he's coming home (which is what he normally does) because then I have no expectations. But if he says he's going to be there and I think I'm actually going to get some relief, especially when I have a swollen leg, it would be nice if he actually showed up.
So WWYD about this? I don't want to have to call him and say "are you coming home honey?" because I want him to take some responsibility for his life outside of work.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH vent - would this bother you? (kinda long)
L-R: Liam (7), Eimhin (6) and Fionn (4)! (Irish names)
Too busy to update the pics for now ...
I don't know if you're thinking affair or that he just doesn't want to come home - believe me, all of that has crossed my mind. We have talked about this several itmes and he swears that DS and I are the most important things in his life and that he loves me and would never, ever cheat on me. Knowing his personality, I truly believe that he is really working that much and it's because he allows himself to get sucked into things.
It still angers me to no end, especially since he has said he would change and has not. It has definitely gotten worse over the years, not better, as he has gotten more responsibility at work, so he was not this bad when we got married, although he has always been very into his work.
I don't kow what to tell you to do, but that definitely would bother bother me. I am not very tolerant of that kind of bs, so your DH would have heard it from me many times. I would definitely not call and say, "Are you coming home tonight, honey?". I would say, "Get your as*s home and spend some effing time with your kids!"
I think its nice you're trying to be understanding of how he is when it comes to work, but this kind of behavior is very selfish and it isn't something you should have to understand and accept.
Hear Hear.
L-R: Liam (7), Eimhin (6) and Fionn (4)! (Irish names)
Too busy to update the pics for now ...
no I wasnt thinking affair...in my case...my former fiance worked oot for a week or 2 at a time several times a year. You would think he would wanna spend time with ME but no he would be on the computer playing games with other computer users. He would actually log off, have sex and then get right back on the computer again thinking he fullfilled his end of the relationship duties. I gave him 6 months to change and it didnt happen so we broke up. Yeah he was home but he still wasnt there kwim?
Kristie
I know, I know.
Auntie - I don't know if makes that much of a difference in your answer, but I also work FT and earn more than half of our household income.
I agree I don't want to *** him out or nag him, but I am tired of working FT and getting no help during the week. I'm even more tired of him promising to help and not doing it.
In regards to auntie's post, I didn't get the impression that he HAD to work long hours, but that he chose to. Saying he's leaving in 30 minutes and then coming home three hours later is inexcusable, IMO. He needs to give some attention to his family and take some responsibility on at home. Certain situations need some understanding and are excusable, but chronically ignoring his family and leaving his wife to tend to their family is selfish and wrong. Why should one person be forced to get creative in order to get help when all it takes is for her perfectly able husband to follow through with what he says he's going to do?
MH is also a workaholic. A 12 hour day is a short day for him. He's an attorney so some of that is just part of the job and I am a SAHM, so it's not quite the same as your situation, but I do know where you are coming from. I did tell MH awhile ago that I didn't want to hear he was coming home early unless he was actually in the car/on the train to come home. It did help lower my expectations.
Something that worked for us was to have MH get up earlier in the morning and go to work then so that he could be home for dinner at night. Some days he still isn't home for dinner, but it improves the chances. We had to talk about it for awhile before he agreed to try it out because he wasn't thrilled about getting up early, but it came down to that if he wanted to show that his family was important to him then he needed to do something about it.
Good luck!
I understand - just wanted to make it clear that we are not solely relying on his income as your had suggested may be the case.
Thanks everyone for the advice and thoughts on the issue. I don't know how I am going to address it. I know that HE has to be the one to make the change - there is really nothing I can do. I still can't help feeling really let-down and frustrated. As I wrote, it's really the promising to come home to help and not following through that bothers me. I know he has to work and has a demanding job, but that doesn't mean that he has no responsibilities to be around for us either.
Did he always do that/have hours like that (pre-baby)? DH is in finance and works LONG hours. I am a SAHM and I would say 3 out of 5 weekdays he doesn't see DS at all. The other days he makes it home in time to read DS a book and put him in his crib - 10 minutes. Weekends he often has to work.
He sometimes says he will be home by 7 (early for him) or so, but doesn't get home until 9. He does (usually) call and let me know that it is happening, but it is still a disappointment.
But...it is his JOB. It has always been like this and I can't expect him to change his hours or his work ethic. He does a great job and is well rewarded for it by his company. In these particular financial times I am happy he has a job that I can be annoyed at his hours, you know?
We have talked about how this cannot be a permanent lifestyle - at some point I want the three of us to actually eat dinner together. But for now it is what it is. DH is very involved with DS on the weekends when he is home, and I know he misses him. It sucks that he can't see DS on the weekdays, but I don't want to make him feel worse about it by nagging him on something that he can't change.
Now, if this is a new development, if he really and truly does not need to be there any later to get his job done, if he constantly says he will be home at a certain tme and does not then call to say he will actually be late (that is my pet peeve), then you should have a conversation.
I agree depression may be an issue. I've never thought of him as fitting the ADHD profile - he has no trouble sitting at the computer for hours - but I did google it and there are some symptoms the fit him - like procrastination and forgetfulness.
My DH is very similar. . . the difference is that he's frequently traveling so he's REALLY gone. The problem I was having is that even when he was home (and working from the HOME office) we never saw him.
I finally asked him to take dinnertime to bedtime off (about 6 pm to 8 pm) and he could work the rest of the time if he needed/wanted to. Also, when he's on the road, he can work 24 hours a day if he wants.
It really helped him for me to put a finite time (that he could put in his Outlook calendar and set a reminder for) that I needed him. Sometimes he gets up early, works all day, takes the break from 6-8 and then gets back on the laptop until midnight or 1 am. Not ideal, but that's what he feels he needs to do sometimes in this business climate.
DevonPow -
His hours have gotten worse but his responsibility has increased. I know his job is demanding which is why I try to be understanding about it, and in this economy, considering he works in the construction industry, I am glad he still has a job. I guess it's the inconsideration of "I'm so sorry your leg is swollen and hurt honey. I will be home tonight to take care of DS" and then just not showing up until 8:00, that really bothers me.
DH is very involved on the weekends and I know he has to work late in the evenings sometimes, but he has told me that he does not need to stay late every single night, that he can and will manage his time better, etc. and then he doesn't do it. We've talked about him coming home earlier one night a week, but it hasn't happened.
And there's the fact that I work FT, so having a FT job and then having everything else fall on me during the week is really wearing on me.
I really appreciate all of the thoughtful responses to my post - I don't want to give DH an ultimatum like "I need you home at 7 every night" but I think that it would be reasonable for him to make some effort to come home one night a week, especially if he calls me at 5 and says he is leaving in 30 minutes. I also know I can't make him do it - but I don't think it's unreasonable to tell him he's being inconsiderate.
I totally agree that it was really crappy he did that when your leg hurt - that sucks, and I do expect my DH to come home early (and then work from home after DS goes to bed) in situations like that.
I'm sorry - it is a tough situation. I don;t think it is unreasonable at all to have a conversation with him about the stress you are feeling and working towards a compromise. Good luck!
I'm sure it's not the "right" thing to do, but I would guilt the hell out of him. I'd tell him DS was asking about him and crying for him even if it wasn't true. I'd tell him a zillion cute stories about DS and end every single one with how much he was missing out on and that his kids will only be little once. And I'd guilt him about how much your leg bothered you because he broke his promises and you had to do it all too.
Like I said, not the right thing, but it is what I'd probably do.
Dh is the same, although not quite to that extent. I feel so bad for dd because when he tells me he'll be home before she goes to bed or for supper, etc. and then he's not- I have lied to dd. So I am trying not to tell dd anything so I'm not lying to her.
I have had talks with dh about it. He feels so much pressure from work, and then from home. He's in a hard spot- doesn't feel like he is a good employee, nor a good dad/husband.
Anyway, I don't know what to tell you--just that I commiserate.
ETA: Actually- what my DH and I have agreed to is that I would prefer he work until 10 pm 2 nights a week than 8 pm 4 nights a week. That way he's home for supper a couple times a week at least. It doesn't always work but it's helping.