Delayed Social Skills (VERY long, please bear with me)

JellymanKelly · February 2009

I have a question, which hopefully someone here can answer. We have requested an EI evaluation for my son, but in the meantime I have been thinking....A LOT, pretty much non-stop, about some of the issues he has been experiencing at preschool and have a few questions for moms who might have been there.

My question: Do delays in social skills almost always point to ASD?

The director of DS's school and his teacher, have both hinted around that they think he might have Asperger's. They can't come out and say that, but based on their feedback, and the fact that one of them has an Aspie child, I know that is what they're thinking. They say he has not progressed socially since the beginning of the year, doesn't like to share, doesn't like to do the group activities (circle time, art, etc), and gets very angry and frustrated when he is encouraged to do these things, especially the sharing. I have noticed for quite some time, probably at least 18 months, that he was not as communicative as other kids, and didn't seem to be doing some of the things that other kids his age were doing. However, in speaking with his ped about it at his 2 year check up, the ped said everything seemed fine to him. He responds when you talk to him, he responds when you point to things (looks in the direction you are pointing), he shows affection voluntarily, asks for help when he is playing, makes eye contact when being spoken to (unless it's something he doesn't want to hear).

All of those things, to me, seem to contradict their observations and feelings. The director told me yesterday that she thinks he sees the other kids in the room as objects rather than other people - like they're just obstacles in his way. I don't see this. He and I were at the park last week and there were two little girls there. He wanted to do everything they were doing. He wanted to play with them. We were at Barnes and Noble several weeks ago and he was playing (and sharing) with a little girl at the train table. As her grandmother started to read her a book, he went over and sat with them and participated in the story reading (she invited him, he didnt just go crawl in her lap or anything). He does pretend play on his own, and occasionally participates with the kids at school, but mostly he is still a loner. He's also an only child and I have encouraged independent play because I didn't want him to be too dependent on me, so that when he started his preschool he wouldn't monopolize too much of his teacher's time. So doesn't it seem only natural if he plays independently at home, that he'd follow that same pattern at school?

Also, they feel he doesn't make eye contact. I feel like he does. If I am talking to him, down on his level, he'll look me right in the eye. However, if I am talking to him about something pleasant and change the subject to him throwing a tantrum at school, or getting in trouble, he will always avert his eyes. Personally, when I'm being "called out" about something, I don't like to make eye contact either. In fact, I struggle with making eye contact most of the time because it makes me uncomfortable. At nearly 3 he's already better at it than I am!

I guess I am just confused right now. I don't doubt that he has delays. His communication skills, although much improved, are still probably at a 2 year old's level rather than an almost 3 year old's level (I'd say he's 6-12 months behind, just from my own observation). But as far as the other issues go, can't a child just be a loner, or stingy? Does not wanting to share, and preferring to play by himself (or one-on-one {he's great one on one}) automatically point to Asperger's? Can't he just be spirited, or even just a wild child? I don't feel like I am in denial here, because if Asperger's is the diagnosis we get, then I'll accept that, but I do feel like a lot of his issues could just be general 3-year-old defiance rather than an actual problem.

Thoughts? I'm especially looking for feedback from auntie, who I recognize from Parenting. I know you have a lot of knowledge on the subject.

skittles_123 · February 2009

Wow, when reading this, it almost sounded exactly like my son. Very strange. He has been evaluated by a school psychologist, and while a definitive diagnosis has yet to come (he was evaluated last week), the psychologist mentioned that he may have Aspergers, and if it is, it would be one of the mildest cases he has seen in a long time. We are having him seen by a developmental pediatrician and psychologist in a few weeks for a second opinion.

Just remember, Aspergers is on the spectrum of Autism. Every child with autism/AS is different. They won't meet every single criteria on the description of autism/AS. There will be things he can do that other children with autism/AS cannot do. I had doubts too because my ds is very cuddly and loving. He is also very bright.

One thing though, is my son does respond when I talk to him, but it has to be about something he is very interested in, such as the Cars movie or Thomas the Train, or something he sees right in front of him. His difficulties come when you ask about "abstract" things. Things he cannot see, touch or feel.

Auntie is an excellent person to get advice from. She has provided lots of advice to me about this as well. Hopefully you will get some input from her as well. It is good you are getting your child evaluated. Consider getting him evaluated as well by someone outside the EI program, such as a developmental pediatrician/psychologist group of some sort.

Good luck!

phillymm · February 2009

I don't know if I can answer your main question. ?I think some people are more likely to recognize delays in socio-emotional skills than others. ?As for me, ?I would be happy that my child is being observed closely in his child care setting.?I think you raise a lot of good questions in your post. ?I would like to give you a few ideas that may help you with the child care part of your experience. ?It sounds like you are really open to the prospect of a diagnosis. But until then, or if it ever happens, I think there are some things you may be able to discuss with the teacher and director to help your child with his social emotional development. ?I work with child care teachers in child care programs and I strongly believe in inclusive settings.??First, try and ask the director/teacher to clarify about the eye contact issue. ?Is it only when he is in trouble? ?Does he have problems with it when he is tired or hungry? ?Is the teacher actually at eye level when trying to make eye contact or is she talking from across the room? ?Another area of concern for me when reading the post is the "children as obstacles" part of the observation. ?Perhaps you could ask the teacher/director when this occurs? ?Is it when the classroom is chaotic? ?Are there places in the room where children can work one on one or alone? ?Is the teacher using developmentally appropriate practices? ?There are so many ways that you can work together with your child's teacher and program to make his days better. ?Yes, a diagnosis might help spell out exactly what can help your son and have him qualify for services, but in the meantime, there may be some small but important changes that the center can make to help him grow socially. ????

JellymanKelly · February 2009

I am definitely glad that he has teachers who are so concerned about him. I've noticed that he seems delayed in those areas, and was glad that someone finally agreed with me about it rather than brushing me off!

As for the 6 points you made, auntie, I'd have to say that he only does maybe 2 of them. He's fine to transition from one activity to another, but there are certain things he just doesn't like to do, like leaving the park before he is done playing. He does tend to cry when that happens, but he doesn't have trouble when it's time to stop playing to eat, or stop playing so we can leave the house. He has never had any stimming behavior (flapping, headbanging, etc), and he was dead in the center of average for all of his milestones. Also, he doesn't seem to have any strong special interests. He loves to play with toys, doesn't seem to favor one type of toy or one subject of interest over and over. He's pretty well rounded. He likes cars and trains, but doesn't seem to like them any more than he likes coloring, or his tool bench, or pots and pans.

He is a very picky eater, but I have talked to a pediatric nutritionist who says that his diet is a lot more varied than most of the kids she sees in her practice. Coupled with the other issues, though, you may be on to something with that question. He also repeats things from movies he likes. He says a lot of lines from 101 Dalmatians, which is a movie he loves. He also likes to sing the Wonder Pets song, but not over and over again, and not even every day. And he's afraid of the sound of the garbage truck when it goes by, but not of any other loud sounds (or textures either). Just the high pitched squeak of their brakes when they stop in front of our house.

I really appreciate all of the feedback you ladies have given me. The Child Development Services people called me back today and we're going to get things moving next week and hopefully get in ASAP for his evaluation. Since he will be 3 in just two months they are going to try to push us through quickly. Their services are only available for kids up to age 3, so they want to be able to give us their recommendations as soon as they can. Once we have the information, I'll definitely get him in with a developmental ped.

Thanks again! Regardless of what the diagnosis is, I just want to know what I can do to help make things easier for him. We never want our kids to have to struggle in life, right?

pillowbling · February 2009

I'm sorry you are having these issues with your son. However, as a special education teacher at a school for children with autism, it is quite frustrating when parents do not believe what we as teachers say about their children. I'm not talking about you specifically, but I'd say at least 75% of parents and even more for parents of young kids.

We have Masters degrees and higher, have studied developmental disabilities for over 6 years in school alone, and have experience with hundreds of children both with ASDs and typically-developing. Yes, I believe that parents have insights into their children that we can never have, but when we speak about a child's behavior in school, we are usually accurate. We have no biases and are offering an objective opinion, without making excuses. Why am I saying this? Because the reason teachers bring up these concerns to parents is not to upset them or "call out" their child, but to get the child the help we know they need and will benefit from!

As far as physicians and nutritionists, they literally take ONE CLASS on Autism. I can tell you of dozens of families I work with who have children with severe ASDs whose pedis brushed off their concerns for years. Teachers, especially in schools for children with autism, literally live and breath autism. We are up to date on the latest treatments, research, methods, and supports for children with ASDs.

Please, if you are having any trouble with your son (which you did admit in the begining of your post), follow through with your son's evaluation. Early intervention can only help him at this point, whether he is diagnosed with Aspergers or not (doctors usually won't even diagnose Aspergers before age 3 anyway though).

Best wishes for you and your family.

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