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South Florida Babies
MIL Vent...
Please tell me I'm not the only one with a crazy MIL...
The day we told DH's parents we were pg, we went to lunch afterwards?As the conversation is flowing, DH goes on to tell them that he?s gonna be old school and sit in the waiting room with a cigar ? he?s joking of course, but his mom says right away ? "oh don?t worry, I?ll be in there then". And I was like ? ?no, DH will be there standing by my head if he doesn?t want to see anything and my sister will be there taking pics.? Honestly, I didn?t say it in a mean way, but WTF makes her think that I would have her there? I don?t know if it was my imagination, but it seemed like she kinda kept quiet after that.
So on goes lunch and more parenting talk and the subject comes up about the due date. As soon as I said the date she says ?oh good, I?m going to ask for that week of vacation already so I can stay over with you guys the first week, so get the futon ready? ? at this point I make a mental note? and on the way home the first thing out of my mouth was, Honey, I know it?s early to think about this, but you need to figure out how you are going to tell your mom that there is no way she is staying with us.
I mean really, WTF! You don?t invite yourself to stay at someone?s house. And if I wanted her there, wouldn?t it occur to her that I would want my mom there? I'm so looking forward to jsut the 3 of us coming home and bonding as a family, without anyone else there. And I don't feel completely comfortable when I have houseguests over - it's not the same, know what I mean?
So, fast forward to today - she leaves me a message saying that she had spoken to DH and something he said left her "thinking"... so I call DH and ask him exactly what he told his mom. He says she called him yesterday to see how we were doing and he happens to tell her that next week he's going with me to a dr appt, that they will be doing a sonogram and we'll likely get to hear the heartbeat. And apparently she told him that she wanted to go. I was like, HUH? He says oh she's just excited and I told him, but it's not her baby!
This will be DH's first time with me at an appt.; I've already seen the baby/heartbeat twice, though it's been too early before to hear it.
Do you think I'm being a brat because I don't want her at my appointments? We get along and I love her, but I want to experience this with DH, and she tends to BUT IN if allowed - and I'm really trying to avoid that.
I was thinking that maybe I'd tell her that if she wants she can come with me to a later appt that DH can't make (but that this is DH's first time seeing the baby and I really want us to experience that as a couple).
Sorry this is so long, but I really needed to vent - I hope the next 6 months don't involve too much of this...and I should say this is going to be her first blood-related grandchild, but she has 3 other grandchildren from DH's stepbrothers.
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Re: MIL Vent...
I don't know.. but it seems to me like she sounds like a nice lady just trying to be helpful. You are just a very private person, I wouldn't be offended by anything that she's said or done. Be gentle with her and just tell her in what ways you will allow her to participate. Congrats on the baby!
She is nice, don't get me wrong; I just don't like her butting in (and yes, she's done it with other things before).
Yeah, I guess I am kinda private especially when it comes to something like this. I know ppl want to come over the first week and see the baby, etc. but I am not going to have anyone stay over.
My sister actually told everyone in the family that they didn't want visitors the first week - and everyone respected their wishes. It's not that I don't want them to be a part of our child's life - it's just the opposite - but they need to realize too that the first week is going to be about us adjusting to our new baby. And I know, and hope, that with people having to work during the week, we'll likely just get visitors on the weekend and that's fine.
I talked to DH and told him why I don't want her at this appt. and that I'd be willing to come to a future one if she wants (and I'll ask my mom if she wants to be part of it).
i also see that she's trying to be helpful and just trying to get involved with her grandchild. some people don't have that advantage
i understand that you want to experience this with dh, it's a beautiful thing to experience as a couple...alone. but try to remember to get her involved on some things though when you turn her down...for ex. call her one day and say "hey want to go help me with my registry, or want to help me pick colors for the nursery"...that will help her feel welcomed
Are you sure we don't have the same MIL?? LOL
Try to understand that she is only trying to help, but might not notice she is being "too involved/pushy". She probably thinks that because you guys really get along that you won't mind, but just talk things over with your dh and let him know where you are coming from. I would email/print them pics of the ultrasounds for them to keep and would show them videotape of the baby when I would go to the perinatologist. Ask her for her opinion on random stuff (doesn't mean that you have to do what she suggests) and maybe let her help out with the shower/registry items??!!??
I, too wanted only my mother and dh in the room, so nonchalantly mention it as of now so that she isn't surprised by the lack of invitation at the time of delivery. It seems silly but now that I have a litle boy I sometimes wonder if my future DIL will allow me to particpate in things like what have been mentioned above. When you have a daughter I think that alot of things are different because it's YOUR mom not HIS mom.....
I struggle with this topic so often, so I'm curious to see what others will suggest
((HUGS))
Thank you ladies for your suggestions and support!
I spoke with MIL - she said that when DH told her we had a sonogram next week and she said she wanted to go, that he said he would have to talk to me first. Anyway, I told her that since this was DHs first time with me at a sonogram that I really wanted to experience it with just him, but that I would let her know next time I was going to have one so she could go if she could. I figure I'll also let my mom know so she can go to the same one. Plus, I told her that I'd make her a copy of any sonogram pics too.
A lot of things she has done/does really irks me; and the hormonal thing is not making it any easier
I told my MIL that I did not want anyone to visit for the first 2 weeks because if I had to have a c-section (which I DID!!!!!) I would probably be in a lot of pain and would not want to have anyone around me except my mom and that she would have to understand that and respect my personal privacy.
My MIL is a nice person but I learned that you have to stand up for yourself BEFORE you have your child. I have gotten a lot better at speaking my mind with her. It is very important that she remembers that she is the grandmother, NOT the mother. She has already had her turn... now it is yours!
Also, if you do not want her staying in your house.... DO NOT LET HER!!! Tell her that you're sure she remembers how crazy things were when her children were born and that you feel that you will not be ready to have guests sleep at the house while you are getting used to being new parents. I would not let my IL's sleep over either. I am a very private person and especially after having the baby and feeling very uncomfortable, there was no way I would have wanted anyone sleeping over.
My IL's came over two weeks after Zachary was born, and I still felt uncomfortable from giving birth!! Now that he is sleeping thru the night, it would be easier to reconsider having someone sleep over, but in general I am not into having houseguests. If someone wants to see me they can get a hotel.
As for the appt, just tell her that you want to experience this first one with DH and she is more than welcome to come along later on.
My Blog: SIREN.ORG!
I know that it might feel annoying and butting in now but just at least give her something. You have said no or at least have been thinking of it.?
?Feel?privileged??to have your son/daughter's grandmother wanting to be involve and loving (even if it feels like too much...just set your rules without hurting).?
?Its very sad to read about those grandmas/grandpas that do not care and some of our nesties have or are experiencing this.?
?Oh....and at the end you might want all the help you can get so don't stress about that now.?
?I agree with you about the delivery room. I only wanted my dh and mom but ended up with a c-section so it was just my dh.?
?Good luck and take it easy ....the hormones don't help either...lol
Barbie?
I can't speak from experience b/c my MIL lived so far away when she was alive that it would not have mattered, and she had died by the time we had our first. But we had houseguests for 2 months after Cedric was born. My mom stayed for 3+ weeks, my dad for a weekend, then my sister for over a week, then my FIL for two weeks, and then my cousin for a long long weekend. My mom and sister were great to have around and extremely helpful. My FIL was nice and tried to be helpful, but let's just say I would have done fine without his help. And my cousin was more work than anyone.
But there's no way I could have told DH not to let his father come and stay with us for 2 weeks, especially after my family descended for over a month. This was his grandchild, and he lives far away so it's not like he'll see him every week. So I sucked it up and didn't protest at all. And in the end it wasn't bad. He would do the dishes and occasionally cooked, and he would watch the baby every day and give me time to shower, which was great. He irked me sometimes, sure, but it gave us a chance to have some conversations that we never would have had if we hadn't been forced together every day for two weeks.
But you definitely are smart about telling MIL now about who will be allowed in the delivery room, and even smarter to talk to your DH about it. He really has to be on board.
Good luck!
I'm a pretty private person and I have to say I would not want anyone at the u/s except for DH, or in the delivery room and no one stayed over my house after I had Madison. Call me crazy but I didn't need any help at night during the first few days at home (but I also had a vag birth, I heard if you have a c/s your recovery can be hard and you made need help).
I did have help with my MIL bringing in meals and so did my Dad and stepmother. They also visited with us for a few hours at a time and then left and I really feel as though it worked out perfectly for me.
You have to have DH deal with your MIL in a nice way but to me she seems overbearing IMO. I love my MIL and she is there for me (and my mother has been MIA since I had my baby so I have been dealing with non-existent family and family that has been there so I feel as if I have seen both sides of the coin).
It is great that she wants to be involved and she is excited about the baby but you can still have boundaries that you can deal with. I tried to breastfeed and I really can't imagine having anyone in my house in the middle of the nigth when I was trying to do this (since DH slept in our bedroom adn I took over the lving room). People told me I might need the overnight help but really I personally didn't and am glad I had the house to myself. And the u/s was such a specual time for me and DH I wanted to share that with only him (You can always have a 3d u/s done after the fact and involve her after you know the sex of the baby).
Good luck and do what you want in this situation,
I think she's just excited and trying to be there for her 1st blood grandchild. I could consider telling her to go to another appt. tell her the dr only allows 1 person with you in the room...which is usually true since rooms are usually so small. I would have DH talk to her about staying with you the 1st week.... my dad was super happy that I'm scheduled for next friday so people can visit me at the hospital during the weekend but I had to break it to him that nope I need that time to bond with Julian and learn to breastfeed and just get to know eachother. of course I mean other people not my parents or DH's parents (although they will be watching DD so they will not be there the entire time...we need alone time too) our situation with the 1st week is diff because we are staying with my parents the first couple weeks for the extra help but my MIL understands that she is my DH's mom not mine and that if I need anyone I need MY mom. now if MY mom wasn't available then it's a diff story. just handle this as gentle as possible. I had MIL in my delivery with DD but I really don't want her there this time so we'll see what actually happens. I had both my parents DH and his mom... I work where I deliver so i had extra people, and personally it was just too many people. this time I just want the 3 allowed and that is all which is my parents and DH. anyway take things slow, you have a long way to go and don't want to hurt her feelings.
GL
Everyone is different, but I had my own mother come stay with me for three weeks right after I came home from the hospital and it was the worst three weeks of my life. I was extremely hormonal and started to lose my mind from being stuck in the house for so long since I really couldn't take the baby out yet, and was recovering from a c-section, so I took it out on my poor mother. She was just trying to be helpful, but every single thing she did got on my nerves and I yelled at her alot.
You are going to have to be bold and tell your MIL that you understand she is excited, but you don't want anyone but your DH in the delivery room, you want a few weeks alone with the baby to adjust when you come home , and since this is your first baby you only want DH at your Dr's appointments. Don't feel bad about speaking up, it sounds like she is a very forward person and is trying to overstep her boundaries.
I was talking to my sister about it last night (who by the way thinks my MIL is a total nutcase, but those are stories for another time) and I realized that what bothers me the MOST is that with the staying over comment she didn't even ask if she could stay; and with everything else she's so forward.
I remember one Thanksgiving when I think she was in a fight with FIL and was trying to keep herself busy so she started rearranging the picture frames in our family room. I was busy cooking and wasn't going to bother with that at the moment (and I just put them back in place afterwards), but my dad was really bothered by it. He kept saying aren't you going to say something, how can she come here and move things around like it's her house? LOL
Anyway, I told MIL yesterday that I really wanted DH's first sonogram experience to be just us and that if she wanted she could come to the next one. I'm pretty easy going, but when ppl push me too far I push back hard. So we'll see - I'll try not to stress about things that haven't happened yet or may not happen; and DH is fully aware that he needs to make clear that no one is staying with us after the baby comes. Geez, we've been waiting for this for over 4 years and I want us to have a chance to bond as a family in those early days.