How do your husbands respond?

RachelG83 · February 2009

I think mine tries to respond in the right way and doesn't realize how serious it is in my mind. When I'm down he always says "Just don't be sad." He doesn't understand that saying that doesn't work.

How does yours handle it?

Married2003 · February 2009

DH tells me not to stress out and he'll rub/pat me in certain way to tell me he cares and he's there for me. The fact that DH is 100% supportive is all that matters to me.

Littlemac4 · February 2009

Ugh, my DH SUCKS!!! He is the worst and has the emotional ability of a rock. Yesterday I reminded him that next Saturday is the day I was supposed to deliver the baby we lost this summer, his response... Get over it, it wasn't even a real baby! Hello it had a heartbeat, we saw it on the monitor. What a jerk. I had my D & C and after we got home, he went to work. My DH does not know how to handle my emotions at all, I am totally going through this by myself!

jensneb · February 2009

I just went through this last night (see Frustrated post below). Mine told me I need to seek therapy b/c I'm sad for no reason, and I try to explain to him that there is a reason, and its very valid to me. I just got angry. He's been supportive for a year and now he wants us to back away from TTC. I think they just don't feel it like we do b/c its our minds and bodies that are most affected. He's also younger than me so he doesn't see the urgency like I do as a woman in her 30's. I try to remember that. GL!

RachelG83 · February 2009

jensneb - mine told me I needed to see a shrink because "if it's this bad now how bad will it be AFTER?" assuming that since I'm upset now that I'll have postpartum depression.

LuvBugKel · February 2009

DH is always trying to down play it saying it's not as bad as I think it is. I know he says this to try to calm my fears and make me feel better but it usually just makes me even more angry. We have talked about it and he always admits to not understanding it, gotta give him credit for that I guess.

EastCoastGirl* · February 2009

Mine does a pretty good job. He's tried really hard to be optimistic, and if he pulls out the "don't be sad" (which does happen from time to time), I usually tell him, gently, that it's not that easy, and that I will just need a little time to be myself again. He accepts that.

fallbride110406 · February 2009

I'm really fortunate that my husband is so amazing with everything. ?He's constantly telling me that he would take all the shots and go to all the appointments for me if he could and that he is here for me 100%. ?He's a complete sweetheart about picking up some of the chores if I just don't feel up to it and making sure I'm taking care of myself. ?He wants children as much as I do and knows that if this is what we have to do to get there, we'll do it.

I seriously think our marriage has gotten nothing but stronger with IF. ??

MoFree · February 2009

Our IF situation is very new, having been diagnosed with MFI last month, so things might be different in the future. He's been depressed and withdrawn since his diagnosis, barely interested in intimacy and very irritable. I am urging him to go back to therapy.

Jensneb, Just because you know the reason for your sadness (and I am not familiar with your whole story) does not mean you would not benefit from therapy.

krissyh21 · February 2009

In his way he tries. Pints of ice cream solve all problems, don't you know. F

pbsubs79 · February 2009

Initially, my husband kept saying not to worry and that it would be ok. I was getting frustrated and said that he has no idea if it'll be ok. He asked what he should say, and I told him that he could just sit and listen to me vent. It works out great-he doesn't stress about reassuring me, and I don't get frustrated with what he says. I feel really awful for the nesties whose DHs don't listen. That must be really hard to feel like you are dealing with this all by yourself.

justsayjo · February 2009

My DH tries, but he doesn't really get me. We are closing in to the end of our road if something doesn't work soon and I think he'd be relieved if that happens but I cannot wrap my head around it at all. But I'm happy he's generally supportive and tries.

*BlackSheep* · February 2009

Littlemac4:
Ugh, my DH SUCKS!!! He is the worst and has the emotional ability of a rock. Yesterday I reminded him that next Saturday is the day I was supposed to deliver the baby we lost this summer, his response... Get over it, it wasn't even a real baby! Hello it had a heartbeat, we saw it on the monitor. What a jerk. I had my D & C and after we got home, he went to work. My DH does not know how to handle my emotions at all, I am totally going through this by myself!

My dh is kinda like this. I have not got pg. But He is like your dh. Sometimes I wish I could just beat some emotion into him. His mom & dad are the same way. Sorry for your loss also. ((hugs))

Suzi-G- · February 2009

jensneb:
I think they just don't feel it like we do b/c its our minds and bodies that are most affected. He's also younger than me so he doesn't see the urgency like I do as a woman in her 30's. I try to remember that. GL!

Ditto this! I'm older than my husband and a lot of the time I feel like he just doesn't understand how serious this is/could be. I'm never entirely sure if he really doesn't get it or if his coping mechanism is to stick his head in the sand and hope it all goes away. He tries, he really does, and he's very sweet and is learning not to tell me "don't be sad" or "don't cry" and instead to comfort and distract me. But... he can put it out of his mind for days on end, I simply can't. It's always there. **teeny tiny voice** sometimes I wish he felt as bad about the whole thing as I do. I know that's terrible that I want him to be miserable too, but it would be nice to not feel alone. Embarrassed

Eyerlande · February 2009

DH can't stand to see me upset so he tries to play everything off as it's not that big a deal...."we'll handle it". But I am really blessed. He mixes and prepares all my shots, reminds me to take them, brings me to all the appointments.

Littlemac4 · February 2009

*BlackSheep*:
Littlemac4:
Ugh, my DH SUCKS!!! He is the worst and has the emotional ability of a rock. Yesterday I reminded him that next Saturday is the day I was supposed to deliver the baby we lost this summer, his response... Get over it, it wasn't even a real baby! Hello it had a heartbeat, we saw it on the monitor. What a jerk. I had my D & C and after we got home, he went to work. My DH does not know how to handle my emotions at all, I am totally going through this by myself!
My dh is kinda like this. I have not got pg. But He is like your dh. Sometimes I wish I could just beat some emotion into him. His mom & dad are the same way. Sorry for your loss also. ((hugs))

M IL's are like that too... I think that is why I rely so much on the ladies here for emotional support... I think it would really help if DH would get it. Today he told me that I have ruined this entire experience because I am so crazy about having a baby... that he does not care if we ever have a kid... Nice, I'm glad I am putting myself through all this for something he does not care about! MEN! Angry

ladychicago · February 2009

jensneb:
I just went through this last night (see Frustrated post below). Mine told me I need to seek therapy b/c I'm sad for no reason, and I try to explain to him that there is a reason, and its very valid to me. I just got angry. He's been supportive for a year and now he wants us to back away from TTC. I think they just don't feel it like we do b/c its our minds and bodies that are most affected. He's also younger than me so he doesn't see the urgency like I do as a woman in her 30's. I try to remember that. GL!

We're similar to this. There are times when he gets sad with me, and there are other times when he clearly thinks I'm emotionally unstable and in need of therapy. He's suggested it many times... I might end up going one of these days. He is very loving and supportive, but he really doesn't understand what all of this is like for me emotionally, mentally, and physically.

frustrated and ttc · February 2009

My DH"S response....."It will happen, stop worrying"*SIGH*

mvp12 · February 2009

frustrated and ttc:

My DH"S response....."It will happen, stop worrying"*SIGH*

That's my husband's response as well. He told me just to stop worrying, things will be fine. He gets mad when I cry after I hear a friend's pg announcement. I wish he was more understanding.

DiscusCoach · February 2009

DH responds by jokingly saying he is such a stud that he will get me PG no matter what the problem if I just give him enough time.

We both know that this has nothing to do with the "studliness" factor but it worries me that, as this goes on, he might doubt himself in some way.

juliannat · February 2009

Mine is very supportive but sometimes just gets into the "fix" mode. Generalizing here, but always remember that your DH feels totally helpless and would do anything to "fix" this situation. He probably feels as frustrated and angry as you do, but to top things off he can't stand to see you cry and upset - he would do anything to help you feel better, and sometimes this comes out as what we perceive as insenstive comments (such as, when you get a PG announcement, "it's not about you, so why can't you just be happy for her", etc.)

Case in point: My unmarried 23 yr old cousin got pg recently. Her mother, my aunt, is a saint. The night I told her about my m/c she did not tell me about the pg - she later said she just "knew it was not the right time". My uncle, my dad and my DH all said "what's the big deal, she (me) was going to find out anyway, so why wait to tell her" - see, they just don't get it. My aunt was so excited to tell me but as a woman, she just knew not to, not at that time.

So, we all just have to do the best we can, and lean on each other here for support when our DH's just don't *quite* get us.

piccolina09 · February 2009

Mine has been great, he just doesn't want our lives consumed by IF, although my mind is. So in order to keep some sense of normal, I try not to talk about it all the time, especially now b/c we are on a break, but all in all he is supportive.

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