I NEED advice, I am just soo lost

USArmyWifeToBe · February 2009

Ok, so here's the situation, my sister in law is pregnant with the first granchild in my husbands family, she is due in March. Her baby shower is this sunday. I try to stay away from things like that because I just am not able to handle it now. Not only is it hard for the simple fact we can't just get pregnant and just had a cancelled IUI 2 weeks ago and I am sure I am still pretty hormonal but my husband just deployed to Iraq 2 weeks ago. I am just been fragile in my emotions right now, and normally baby showers bug me, I am going through alot right now just with the deployment. My other sister in law who is organizing the whole thing knows about us with all the IF stuff, but the pregnant one doesn't. I am not close with the pregnant one either. Well my sis in law that is organizing it who knows about the IF stuff she asked me if I am going. I simply texted her I don't think at this point its a good idea because stuff like that is real hard on me, and the past weeks have been hard anyways. I just had an IUI cancelled on a TTC break till July and I would love to be more involved but I just can't do that. She is saying how I am not supporting my husbands family and that we've missed out on so much with the family because of husband being in the Army. She pretty much is trying to make me feel guilty and messed up for not going.

What should I say to her? I am going to call her and talk with her, since all this was sent through text but I want to talk with her, she is the sister I got along with, and now she thinks I am messed up by not going. What are all your guys feelings on this? What do you say in situations like this??

I am soo upset she thinks that I am just being selfish and don't care to be apart of it. Its like TORTURE how does she not get it?!

MrsWheeler · February 2009

That's a tough one.

Maybe your SIL is stressed because she has a lot to do with the shower and is just taking it out on you?

Maybe you could offer to help her with stuff that needs to be done before the shower? Or help set-up? That way you can support her without having to actually go?

mrspresley · February 2009

USArmyWifeToBe:
I am soo upset she thinks that I am just being selfish and don't care to be apart of it. Its like TORTURE how does she not get it?!

she doesn't get it b/c she hasn't had to deal with IF herself. i would just get on the phone w/her and be honest w/her. if you tell her about how you feel and how you would love to attend but you just can't, she should understand. just tell her what you just wrote in this post. it's just not that easy sometimes to put on a nice face and pretend it's not like torture.

USArmyWifeToBe · February 2009

The thing is, I did tell her how I felt I wrote like 3 long texts explaining, she was like "sounds like I obviously can't change your mind to get you to come, but you should go to support your husbands family". Come on after all I have said you can't just see its soo hard to deal with! I feel horrible but its soo damn hard!! I will lose it I know.

dusk42 · February 2009

Not your fault he is in the Army. ?That was a crappy thing to say. ?I'd not go just because of that, but I know that you want to keep some sort of peace. ?

I'm sorry. ?:(?

Assembly_Reqd · February 2009

I like the offering to help idea if you really don't think you can handle going.

I know it may be hard to do, but maybe you should just suck-it-up and go. I think you are a strong person and you can do it. Your DH's family may be missing him now too and you being there is sort of like him being there. You don't have to stay the whole time.

((hugs))

Sherwood_bride · February 2009

IF does suck.

However, IMO, it would probably be best to suck it up and go. Bring a gift, eat some food, play and game and skedaddle when it is polite. You can make it! If you feel the waterworks coming on at any point, excuse yourself and go. If you at least make an attempt to go, any more crap from your SIL is unwarranted, even from a fertile's perspective.

naflmj · February 2009

I think it's crappy to make you feel that way but it's family so I would suck it up and go. You don't need to stay long but just show that you care...I know it is hard and skipped my shower myself but when it's family, it's nice to try to be there for them, even if you feel like they aren't being very supportive of you.

mrspresley · February 2009

communication via text sucks, esp for sensitive matters like this. maybe if you talk w/her on the phone, she will be more understanding.

katerena · February 2009

Sorry sweetie, but I agree with the other posters who say suck it up and go. It's your family.

I know that it's hard, I've sat through many a shower with a clenched smile and fake oohs and ahhs, but you still should go. Put on your hottest dress, make up yourself to the nines, look like a million bucks and drink all the wine you need... whatever you need to get through it. You can cry later. But this isn't your moment and by not being there you are making it about yourself. And it just isn't.

Even though I've experienced infertility, I would be very hurt if my sister in law didn't come to my shower.

USArmyWifeToBe · February 2009

Even if she was having IF issues, I wouldn't. I've been there. Whatever, not mad at any of you but damn I already needed xanex once this week with husband being gone, this is shitty!!!

katerena · February 2009

USArmyWifeToBe:
Even if she was having IF issues, I wouldn't. I've been there. Whatever, not mad at any of you but damn I already needed xanex once this week with husband being gone, this is shitty!!!

Sorry, I don't mean to add to your load, I know that you have a tough go of it. We have all been there.

But I strongly disagree with your approach on this, in fact I don't understand it, and I 100% understand where your sister in law is coming from. I would have the same reaction.

I hope you do the right thing!!

Stace26 · February 2009

You need to do what is right for you. If you are not comfortable with going then you really shouldn't. You can ask your SIL to be supportive of your decision, but if she won't that's her issue. You can only be responsible for your own feelings.

DiscusCoach · February 2009

What an awful situation. I hate to say it but your sil sounds like she is being a little manipulative with the guilt. You have been through a lot. On the other hand, their brother is deployed and I wonder if denying them access to you is just another hurt on top of having him be away?

I can't imagine how difficult it will be for you to go but, if you can, it would be good of you to show support for your husband's family. Perhaps if you think of how you are going to need support when you get pg?

There is no easy answer. I hope you decide to go for you and for your husband's family. If you can't then I hope they respect that.

skoorbnibor · February 2009

I would tell her point blank that she is not supporting you, either.

Send a gift card, offer well wishes, even call the pregnant one afterwards and tell her sorry I couldnt make it, hope you had a great time, but I think you need to take care of you.

Hang in there. The RIGHT thing to do is the one that keeps you from going over the edge.

(I hope it was ok to reply with my sig... but I have strong feelings about this, I have been in your shoes... and I stayed home.)

MerryMarisa · February 2009

Like pp said, she doesn't get it b/c she's never been through it. I also agree with telling her everything you said in this post. She has to want to understand, you know? If she doesn't, then you've done everything you can and the rest is up to her.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's so frustrating when people IRL do not understand how painful IF is. ((( BIG HUGS )))

beadgirl2 · February 2009

I'm with you. It sounds like you are having a really emotional time (understandably) and if you go and break down it makes it even more about you than her than if you hadn't gone at all. Not to mention AWKWARD. I've had that happen at DH's family party before after my m/c around my SIL's new baby. Not pretty. Maybe you could have something special shipped to her home with a nice card saying you're sorry you couldn't make it but you are thinking of her.

BTW, IF sucks enough. I can't imagine what it would be like to have DH in Iraq on top of it. DH is my biggest support. My heart goes out to you.

lnle · February 2009

perhaps part of the issue here is that the pregnant SIL doesn't know about your IF stuff? So the other SIL is worried that the pregnant SIL will be offended and not understand why you won't be there. It's not an easy decision. If you do decide to go, you can always try to help out behind the scenes a lot so you're not around while presents are being opened, etc. At the last shower I went to, I just kept going to the kitchen to wash dishes and prepare food anytime I felt like I couldn't handle it. ((hugs))

Littlemac4 · February 2009

I had a situation when I MC'd this summer. My BFF's shower came up and while I totally did not want to go and she said I did not have to come, I felt it was important that I show her support, plus my mother had made her the most beautiful gifts and I wanted her to get the credit she deserved. Anyway, I asked my friend to open my gift first so that if I got upset or if it was too much I could quietly duck out the back. It actually worked perfect. My mom and I went, ate lunch watched her open my gift and slipped out while she opened the rest of her gifts. I made an appearance, my mom got credit for her hard work, and my friend saw that I was there to support her (remember this was 2 weeks after my MC).

It's just a suggestion in a way to make everyone happy... is there someone close like your mom that you could take with you for support... I would totally recommend that.

I think it's crappy that we always have to hide our feelings with our IF struggles when no one hide their feelings around us, fertiles are always talking about their pregnancies and their kids with no regard to our feelings so why should we have to keep our feelings to ourselves, why do we have to cater to them??? It sucks to be us! Hang in there, this can't be easy for you especially with DH being gone...

militarywife2b · February 2009

You have enough on your plate right now and if attending the baby shower is too much right now then don't go. You have fully explained yourself from what it sounds like. Take care of yourself

Dr.Loretta · February 2009

Do NOT let her guilt you into this. That's just mean IMO.

I'd just tell her that, with everything that's been going on lately, you wouldn't have a good time at the shower and you don't want to bring people down. Tell her you'll contact the pregnant SIL at some point and have lunch with her or something, or visit after the baby is born. And of course you'll send a nice gift to the shower.

Showers are NOT mandatory, family or no.

Denae'sTTC · February 2009

I may have a different out look.. I understand that going through If is hard.. Trust me I am there with you. My sister just had her 3rd child. I was in the room with her.. It was hard for me but I needed to be there for her and my family. missing out on your SIL shower is a hard call. Imagine when your IF days are over and your pregnant.. Would you want people to come to your shower and support you and your husbands baby? IF you skip a friends shower its one things, but when its your husbands sister and your newphew/neice, its another.. Show your face and make some small talk and leave.. Someday down the road you will be glad you were apart of it..

mimi525 · February 2009

I can relate to this situation. My SIL is pregnant with the 1st granchild on DH's side and due in March also.My other SIL threw the shower a couple of weeks ago and no one except my MIL knows about my IF issues. I dreaded going but I did and to my surprise I had a good time. I think you should do what you think is best for you. No one can understand what you are feeling unless they have or are going through it. Good luck!

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