- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Babies on the Brain
goofyteacher
member
Being a foster parent
goofyteacher
member
I really feel like DH and I have a home that has the stability and love necessary to do this. I have talked to DH about it and I honestly feel like he isn't willing to open up to the idea. When we discussed it his main concern was that I would get too attached to a child and then would have to turn them over the their parents. While I'm sure I would get attached to any child I feel like it is more of a service I can provide to do my part and that I wouldn't have problems with that. I feel like I could somehow separate it. Anyone with any thoughts (good or bad) I have my big girl panties on. TIA!
PCOS and Hypothyroidism- Successful IUI's- May 2012 and October 2014. Miscarriage @ 6w3d in December 2009.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Being a foster parent
A good friend of mine just got her first foster child. ?I think it is a whole lot more challenging than she ever imagined, and a whole lot more rewarding too. ?Her biggest issue is dealing with DFCS and the birth mom than the child. ?The mom is very manipulative and tries to dictate their lives with visits and phone calls, and DFCS allows this. ?She has a lot more contact with the birth mom than she ever really imagined. ?I do know that if the mom works her plan and gets the kids back in August, my friend is going to be heartbroken (but she knew that going into it).
Just one snapshot. ??
Well.... lets think about this from a pros/cons perspective.
I think the pros are obvious so I'll leave those alone.
Cons:
-The "real" parents are idiots, which is why they lost their kids to begin with. You will be forced to deal with these idiots (potentially)
-Some of these kids have MAJOR behavorial problems. No fault of their own... the things they have been through are horrific.
-I think you need to be very honest with yourself about how you'll feel when you have to give these kids back to their @sshole parents, who you know damn well will continue using drugs and abusing/neglecting their kids. I personally wouldn't be able to hand them over.
The Mr. and I have discussed this a little from a variety of angles...and I' have seen foster parenting done very very poorly. And I have seen it done very VERY well.
I will say, it's heartbreaking at times and that makes it damn important to recognize one's emotional resources and limits. My family members who are/were the best foster parents one can imagine sometimes failed to recognize that--they also sometimes failed to recognize the toll the comings and goings of foster chidren (and the influences that came with them) brought into the lives of their permanent (biological and adopted) children.
At the same time, I kid you not, when DCF type people evaluated them, Aunty and Uncle got in trouble several times...for 'treatng their charges to much like their own kids'--apparently they were supposed to treat their charges as 2nd class citizens because 1) the ultimate goal of DCF was to place them back w/ the parents and 2) it made it harder to re-place the kids once they got over-adjusted to a 'normal' loving childhood.
I'm not sure I could do that.
I have also considered foster care, but I just don't think that I would be good at not becoming too attached.
Seeing the awful circumstances my students live in breaks my heart and I find myself wanting to adopt about half of my class. That is hard enough, I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be trying to separate my feelings in that situation.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Just for the record, many parents who have their kids taken away are no different than those of us on these boards. ?Though it is comforting to think that there is something different about 'them' I have seen many cases where a child was taken away because an injury occurred when a baby rolled off a bed, or was dropped by a grandparent who didn't tell the parents and it was then discovered at the doctor's office. I have seen kids taken away because a drunk ex-boyfriend hurts a mother. I know we want to believe that the child protective services agencies get it right, but when a child is injured, there isn't a magical report that tells anyone how it happened.
At its best, foster care is a refuge for juvenile victims abused or neglected as a result of drug use, adult mental illness, and poverty. ?There IS a level of separation in good foster homes. While it is true that reactive attachment disorder and the like can be a result of trauma and lack of bonding, a good foster home should be an honest place where kids understand the lack of permanence so that they aren't destroyed when they leave. ?
If you are serious about it, find a state social worker, or a juvenile court attorney, so that they can put you in touch with a foster parent. ?I have worked with child clients in a LOT of foster placements - they are all different. ?It is a challenge - often a scheduling nightmare. ?And working with the Department is more challenging than fostering a child. ?A good worker shields the foster parent from the birth parent in a number of ways. A bad worker is a NIGHTMARE that can do a tremendous amount of harm. ?
Look into it; there is a lot of good to be done. Good luck.?
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
You can also find a private foster care agency that is not headed by the state. I would just suggest going to the meetings/trainings they hold and receive info and more insight. I worked for a private foster care agency and they usually allowed current foster parents to have a Q&A with potential foster parents to gain more understanding.
Some kids have stayed in with the same family for years as well. Its case by case. Just pray about it and make sure you are dedicated to the cause because it can be very difficult but so worth it when you help those kids.
I have had to deal with the court system for a long time now, for my own child, and I have to say it's AWFUL. It is so difficult to understand where they are coming from. There are so many hearings, meetings, etc.
My daughter and her brother (her dads older son) were physically abused by their father. He was arrested and pled to a slightly lesser charge and served jail time. The son is now back in his father's custody and dd has visitation there. It is impossible to comprehend what both parents can get away with. I have been personally attacked again and again, by the man whose abuse I escaped when I was 22, all to throw the courts away from the fact that he abused his children. It's a ridiculous and painful cycle.
Being a foster parent would be an amazing thing to do, but so very difficult on so many fronts, not just the emotional attachment to the child. The time and energy it takes to be a part of the "system" is amazing.