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Blended Families
MrsHK
member
Not sure how much time we have left (long)
MrsHK
member
Life is such a rollercoaster. Things go well and then we go back down sometimes and I constantly wonder how much longer FD will really be with us. Sorry, I'm not even sure I can get all the details in here or even what I'm asking, just helps to get my thoughts out I guess.
FD just had her 18th birthday on Saturday. Even though she was grounded we made an exception for her birthday. I mean it's a big birthday and we're not complete meanies. Besides she was only grounded because she hasn't been working on her community service hours. Otherwise, she's doing really well. She knows that in order to remain in our home she needs to keep her act clean, no drugs, no alcohol, no violence; and she has to remain working towards her dipolma. She's been keeping up really well with her chores and has been bringing a lot of schoolwork home too. So she seems to be showing that she's serious and commited.
However, last week she got into a fight at school with another student. She initially ignored the student and walked out of the classroom to cool down. Then in the afternoon it escalated when the student continued and eventually made a comment about FD's "crackhead mother". Obviously a severe sore spot for FD, mainly because it's true and she was taken from her mother as a baby. So they both got in each other's face and things were said and threats were made. However, FD still did not act out against her. FD accidentally knocked over a desk when leaving the classroom again. She came back, though, picked it up and apologized to the teacher. It was left at that, yet both girls were given one day's suspension to cool down.
We actually didn't punish FD for this. We told her while her cursing and yelling is still not appropriate we were proud that she did manage to control herself and take responsibility and apologize to the teacher.
I continue to worry sometimes though because everytime something like this happens at school FD is ranting to the teachers and principal about how it doesn't matter she's not coming back anyway. She's always told them that she was just counting the days until her birthday when she could leave.
At home she's never brought this up, and has even suggested that she may take a summer class to add to her credits to be able to graduate with just one extra semester. She's mentioned how she doesn't want to be a 'loser' like her brother since he dropped out. All of this is without prompting, not like we were talking about it already. So it makes me think that she's seriously thinking of these things and not just trying to tell us what she thinks we want to hear.
However, I got a call from her teacher yesterday. Apparently she signed some paper in school to claim herself as her own guardian. Therefore, they cannot discuss her with us anymore. Though since she's still under DCFS custody obviously they have to contact her social worker, who would surely still tell us anyway. I wonder if she can even sign that paper since she's not her own legal guardian anyway. So I'm not sure what FD was trying to do with this, or if she even knows herself. I worry that it's one step closer to allowing her just to drop next time she's mad. She's wanted to emancipate herself from DCFS as well. So I wonder if she's just trying to quietly get closer to that as well.
I was hoping to talk to her social worker and gather the details before bringing it to FD, but I don't know if that's possible. She has her good days and her bad days. Sometimes I am so sure that she is thinking clearly and responsibly and planning for her future, other times she just gets this attitude of 'i don't care'.
I know that at some point here she'll just need to go out and learn things for herself. So part of me does hope that's what is about to happen. She has to go out and do that while she's young and can learn and bounce back. I just wish she didn't have to. If that is the case, DH and I will welcome her back for one more chance to straighten it all out and get back on track. She'd have to be serious and take responsibility though. We already have an idea of how that'd work in our minds.
It's just frustrating. I don't even know when we'll get to really sit down and talk to her. She's working all night tonight and I'm out tomorrow night. Then on Saturday she'll be out with her boy-friend. I hate that this is just looming. I haven't let her know yet that I know anything, I actually haven't even had a chance to tell DH, since he worked and had school last night. The days are just so crazy lately. It's not usually like this we usually get to hang out and play games most evenings together. Ok, I'm rambling now....
Proverbs 12:10 "A righteous man cares for the needs of his animals
ChipMonkey 3/19/08 *** Turtle 1/26/10 *** CarBear 10/06/11
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Re: Not sure how much time we have left (long)
What is her vision for her future? If you ask her open-ended, instead of giving her questions she can easily respond to with the obvious answer you would like, what does she say?
If you help her believe she has a chance to be ANYTHING, if she puts in the time, gets that piece of paper, and *gasp* goes to college - maybe that will help give her the motivation she needs.
We mostly talk to her with open ended questions, try to drive out what her thoughts and plans are on things. She says she wants to own her own spa someday. But then she'll turn around and say she wants to drop out and get her GED and that she doesn't want to go to college. Even though if she were to stay in DCFS they'd pay for that too. Everyday it's a different story depending on her mood.
We talk it out with her, without giving our opinion, asking what are the pros/cons of each decisions, etc. Sometimes I really think she's thinking it through positively. Like when she brought up summer school. She brought up school and then started talking about possibly taking a summer class. We weren't even talking about it previously she brought it up all on her own.
Then we turn around and she's talking about this girl in her class and if she even says one more thing to her she's going to 'go off on her'. We talk that through and she explains the consquences (like getting kicked out, going to jail and more fees/community service), but again it ends with 'but I don't care'.
I think it's hard, especially at that age, with the end in site, to keep focused, and to learn to deal with the attitude she's obviously getting from this other kid.
We all know that staying in school, and going to college is the best way for her to turn her life into whatever she wants...making her see that is the tough thing.
Hang in there. She's so lucky to have you guys there to support her.