What do you say to this?

IloveJAV · February 2009

A girl that I work with, that I am pretty close to just had an etopic pregnancy at about 3 weeks. She didnt know she was PG-they weren't trying, she just had really bad cramps and her H took her to the hospital and thats how they found out.

Well, she comes in my office at about 5:00pm yesterday and she sits down, almost with a mean look on her face. She then says, "I know how hard its been for you to have a baby, but I just really can't hear about it when you become pregnant. I can't be excited for you at all, I hope you understand." I tried to reason with her and tell her that I do feel for her and I have a sadness for her in my heart for what she had to go through....but at the same time..the way she worded it to me really just burnt a hole through me. Its just one of those times where I dont know what to say, I just listened.

short1882 · February 2009

that's a toughie Jav...maybe she's still harboring some feelings about what happened and took it out on you Embarrassed

I would def be upset by what she said, but remember how excited all of us will be when you do

naim1 · February 2009

I think what she said was rude, but I think she said it because she is hurting so much...I don't know what I would have said next. That's a tough one.

Buffy_Baby · February 2009

Was it clear why she couldn't be excited for you? Did she loose a tube or something that would effect her future fertility? Or was it the sadness of loosing the unplanned pregnancy?

I probably would have told her, "It is just as hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies, so I guess we have a topic for both of us to avoid." And then turned back toward my computer.

Tongue Tied Sorry that was unpleasant for you.

Pamela05 · February 2009

I've been in her position (just had an ectopic and everyone around me kept popping up pg) and it is hard. A lot of the girls on the mc/pl boards talk about how difficult it is to have someone "put it in their face" all the time. Maybe she was trying to preempt that but doesn't have a lot of tact.

I would just move past the conversation that just happened and when you do get pg then just respect her wishes and try not to mention it to her.

lumbride · February 2009

Jav, that sucks. I totally feel for ya and you have every right to be chapped. I'm sure she's just feeling sad about the whole situation and the context of "babies" is just hard for her to hear/discuss.

I, on the other hand, will be your biggest cheerleader whenever you get your awesome news!

bluejinn823 · February 2009

Buffy_Baby:

Was it clear why she couldn't be excited for you? Did she loose a tube or something that would effect her future fertility? Or was it the sadness of loosing the unplanned pregnancy?

I probably would have told her, "It is just as hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies, so I guess we have a topic for both of us to avoid." And then turned back toward my computer.

Sorry that was unpleasant for you.

I agree with that.

It has a whole different feeling to it since she didn't even know to begin with and it was unplanned. I can totally understand if she was trying. That sounds mean, but it just feels different to me.

***edit: I'm having issues with unplanned pregnancies this week. They're all over the place and while I'm happy for them, it completely sucks and I'll probably break down if I hear another one soon. And I by no mean am undermining her loss, I'm sorry for that. It's just the fact that she's telling you that stuff and she didnt even know she was KU'd in the first place.

hisfavorite · February 2009

I agree with Pamela05...as someone who went through a loss, it's sooooo hard to hear about someone else's good news, even though deep down you are happy for them. However, the way she went about it was WRONG. Downright rude, actually. I would never have said that to someone, especially someone who has struggled the way you have...I'm sorry she went about it that way. You deserve better than that. Give her time, she'll come around. Good luck, JAV!

MSC03 · February 2009

I think she just lashed out and you were the target. I'm sorry.

Nykki Thomaston · February 2009

that would burn me pretty badly too! I have no idea what's like to struggle with an eptopic pregnancy, and I know there is so much pain with that, but I don't see how she could be so bluntly spiteful. (I don't mean to sound insensitive at all towards her or anyone with losses, it just seems rude the way she went about the conversation) We'll be here for you!!

naim1 · February 2009

Buffy_Baby:

I probably would have told her, "It is just as hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies, so I guess we have a topic for both of us to avoid." And then turned back toward my computer.

Sorry that was unpleasant for you.

Now THAT is a good response!

bannedmonkey · February 2009

I'm so sorry. That's a pretty harsh way to deal with what she's going through. She was obviously trying to protect herself but sacrificed you in the meanwhile. Try to move past it. Hopefully she'll change her tune in a few weeks when her heart is in a different place.

imaPrincess · February 2009

wow. If she wasn't trying and didn't even know she was pg until she went to the hospital, that is a little uncalled for. I am not going to lie. I would be very bitter towards her, but I am a biatch like that. I would brush it off. When you get pg, don't tell her personally, she's going to find out from word of mouth around the office, then when she comes to you, you can refer back to this conversation and let her know that she didn't want to hear anything about it. I'm sorry Jav, I think you handeled it very well, I would have not been so nice.

XXXXX222 · February 2009

I'm sorry that hurt you, JAV. ?However, she's just been through a traumatic experience. ?She's allowed to be angry and grieve, even if it wasn't planned and even if it was such an early loss.

mandy4678 · February 2009

Hey Jav,

I would be upset and hurt by this, but at the same time I would try to be as understanding as possible. She was probably filled with all sorts of emotions and took them out on you. I am sorry.

Pamela05 · February 2009

I don't understand why her not knowing she was pg at 3 weeks is an issue in this. How was she supposed to know? I am surprised she had pain at 3 weeks. I was at 6-7 weeks and had no pain from it (but I apparently was a rare case).

The way she went about it was wrong, but please don't judge her because she didn't know she was pg. It doesn't hurt any less to lose a baby just because you weren't trying. It is hard to find out good news (a baby was conceived) and bad news (it is going to die) at the same time. It really tears you up. I think especially ectopic because technically the surgery is what kills the baby most of the time. I struggle with that a lot as far as how is it different from an abortion with the goal to save the mother's life?

mrsmel · February 2009

she totally approached it the wrong way, no doubt,. but she's obviously very emotionally conflicted and confused right now, so she's not going to be on her gain. i'd let it slide and let her greive in her way. down the road, she may come around. and if she doesn't, then that's her issue.

kristen6 · February 2009

Wow, that is pretty harsh. I agree that she was just lashing out, even though it's obviously totally uncalled for. Work friends are strange because you see them so much of the day, but sometimes things happen that make you realize that they might not be true "friends". Hopefully she was just having a tough time and will not always feel the same way. All of GP will make up for her lack of excitement though!

MrsCarroll.6-10-07 · February 2009

I agree with PP, that was pretty rude of her to say that. She could have just told you what happened to her, since you guys are sort of close, she would have known that you would have been kind, sympathetic, understanding of her situation. Even though it wasn't planned its still a loss and it obviously really hurt her. Knowing that happened to her I know you would have been tactful to her when talking about your upcoming pregnancy (::crossing fingers::) and hopefully she should have known you would be that way also.

Sorry you to go through that. I would give her a some time and then maybe talk to her about how you felt about that conversation. Otherwise it might torture you while you are PG and it might really effect your friendship if you let it boil in you and not discuss things. Sorry you had to go through that. :-(

heathercara · February 2009

Sweetie...what is with people in your life leaving you feeling like WTF? I am so sorry, it is her loss. I'll be thrilled and can't wait to hear every single detail and tidbit when you find out your KU...which I know is right around the corner! Her loss.

bluejinn823 · February 2009

IloveJAV:
She then says, "I know how hard its been for you to have a baby, but I just really can't hear about it when you become pregnant. I cant be excited for you at all...

I think that is the statement that is rubbing me the wrong way coming from someone who got pregnant quickly (regardless if she lost the baby or not). I mean, the coworker obviously knew that Jav was TTC, so why say something like that?

delg23 · February 2009

Buffy_Baby:
Was it clear why she couldn't be excited for you? Did she loose a tube or something that would effect her future fertility? Or was it the sadness of loosing the unplanned pregnancy?
?
I probably would have told her, "It is just as hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies, so I guess we have a topic for both of us to avoid." And then turned back toward my computer.
?Sorry that was unpleasant for you.

I kinda agree with this.?

craftlady07 · February 2009

mrsmel:
she totally approached it the wrong way, no doubt,. but she's obviously very emotionally conflicted and confused right now, so she's not going to be on her gain. i'd let it slide and let her greive in her way. down the road, she may come around. and if she doesn't, then that's her issue.

ditto, exactly!

IloveJAV · February 2009

Well, that was the whole thing. It was the way she went about everything. I am not a boastful person anyway...and I never throw anything in her face. I think what prompted her to come in my office that way was that one of my friends stopped by my office a little bit before and just asked how my doctor's appts were going because she went to the same doc...I didnt go into great detail or anything...I just said everything was going good.

I could see her getting a little more upset about things if I were purposely throwing everything in her face, but I dont. For now, I am just going to be normal and not really say anything around her. If I do in fact become pregnant this cycle though I feel I have every right to tell everyone that is close to me though,

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