How many showers are too many?

stormy77 · February 2009

I don't know what to think. This is my third child but my oldest is almost 11 and the youngest is 4 and this baby is due in October. We didn't keep anything except for the convert-a-crib that my 4 year old now uses because with me having endo and pcos i thought having another one was out of the question without going through fertility again....Well surprise surprise!!

Some friends are already talking about having another shower for me (this would be the third) nad I just don't want to look greedy. MIL and SIL have suggested that I call the consignment shop and see if they still have my stuff (It was almost a year ago I doubt it) so I know they are not planning on a shower and I'm scared that they will give anyone who tries to throw one a hard time. Please be honest!!!! Would you look down on someone who has a shower for every baby? Huh?

KoCoLoCo · February 2009

I look down on them. I view showers as a chance for me to celebrate my friends and families transition into motherhood. Other people think nothing of showers for 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th kids. I just can't help but think of it as gift-grabby.

DiscusCoach · February 2009

I think that would depend on the type of shower that you are going to have. If you are talking big and formal like the fabulous one in a previous post then I am going to give that a big no.

If you do something intimate with a few of your closest friends then I would say yes. They are the friends who know the situation. Maybe a small brunch or intimate dinner?

RoxyLynn · February 2009

Showers are for first-time Moms only. If someone offers to host, thank them for being so excited and graciously decline. I've never known someone to have a shower for #2 (or 3) and yes, I imagine I would "have other plans" were I invited to one.

pergall · February 2009

Okay, honest answer.

If your friends who want to give you the shower feel like there are enough of your friends who would like to attend and give you baby gifts, then they should be allowed to have a shower for you, no matter what your MIL and SIL think. ?If they're so opposed, they wouldn't have to be invited, or even told about it.

Okay, that might be a bit harsh. ?But perhaps they could be invited when plans are well under way, past the point of no return, so that maybe they would feel like expressing any strong opinion on the appropriateness of the shower would be a moot point.

If you're worried about imposing upon people who have already given you gifts in the past, then perhaps your friends could have a celebration luncheon or tea in your honor (and the baby's honor), without it being a shower. ?You could have a fun girl's day at the spa (with a pregnancy massage for you). ?Something that is clearly meant for you to spend time with your friends, with no expectation for gifts.

Hope this helps.?

mma1029 · February 2009

honestly, I hate when people have a shower for more then just their first baby - it seems gift grabby to me, as other people said. BUT - at the same time, when someone has say, a 13 year old and then another baby, I understand someone having a shower for them then to an extent.

Truthfully - I guess part of me feels if you can afford to have a third child, you can afford to buy your own baby gear. Not saying that to be harsh - just honest. If some of your friends really to have a shower for you this time and you want one though - I would only do a very small one with close friends and family members - not all your cousins, co-workers, etc.

dv · February 2009

Of course not! I think it is totally ok to have as many baby showers as any one pleases to give you. Who keeps their previous babys items? I mean your other two are 11 and 4. I am a first time mommy and I am having 4 baby showers just for him. My inlaws, my mom, my aunt on my dads side and my co workers are throwing me one. At first I thought wow why so many? But if people love you and want to do this for you, then why decline?

Big Smile

jnealet · February 2009

I don't see anything wrong with having a small shower, it's a celebration of a new life and people get excited about that. I wouldn't do a big formal do though.

maria15288 · February 2009

I say have it. The age difference alone excuses you from this etiquette. If you had back to back kids andwanted showers for each that would be different. So if someone wants to throw you a shower, ENJOY Party!!!

sherpa · February 2009

That's a tough call, I would put feelers out and see what your close friends and family think. ?I would be understanding as a guest because your youngest is already 4. ?If your youngest were 1 or 2 then I would be slightly put off but I'd still go bearing a gift and drink punch and eat cookies.

annak23 · February 2009

No & especially in your case when you've given everything away for a baby thinking that you wouldn't have another one. One of my friends if going through this right now & I've been thinking about having a small get together for her. She has 3 girls & gave all her baby essentials away & now has a "suprise" one on the way. How can you expect someone to just buy all this new/used stuff when they have so many other things going on. My friend is stressing out about it & I think by planning a small shower, it would make her feel good & excited about the baby, that other's care about her & her family. If others want to do it for you, then I would go along with it, but I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure it was being done.

EastCoastBride · February 2009

If you do something intimate with a few of your closest friends then I would say yes. They are the friends who know the situation. Maybe a small brunch or intimate dinner? '

Ditto this. Keep it on the smaller side. I realize you weren't expecting to have another child, and all that, but it's not your friends and families responsibility to stock you up on baby gear three times over.

For a GOOD friend, I would go and support it. But if it was someone I wasn't all that close to, and ESPECIALLY if I had been invited to their other showers, I'd probably be put off by this.

HeatherandRay · February 2009

My SIL had three showers - one for each of her children and there was only a 2 year difference between the last two. Honestly, I was really put off when I received the invite for the third baby, as were many other guests. This was a HUGE shower, lots of extended family were invited she maybe only met at her wedding. Worse, she did not register so when poeople asked the host what to buy, the standard answer was "She already has everything she needs so you can buy her a BRU gift card". Tacky.

Anyway, if your friends want to do something small for you, maybe a nice brunch with close friends only (do not even call it a shower) that would be nice.

jmh7905 · February 2009

I generally think it is poor etiquette to have showers for additional children. Personally, I would decline the shower. Your friends and family who are aware of your situation can still choose to give you gifts without a shower.

Jennicap · February 2009

My family is big on sprinkles. With the second,third or fourth child comes around my family likes to celebrate the mom and baby to be. Usually it is mother and sisters some very close aunts and cousins and the best friends. I think the biggest was for my sister, she was adopting a 13yr old and both were there and we had about 20-30 people come to a party for "just them" it was neat and was their first mother daughter bonding day. BUT in general its 4-8 people who go over someone (hostess) house and have lunch. If they had a boy and now having a girl (vice versa) then lots of clothes are bought in 'girly' colors. Once we all chipped in and got the mom a double stoller.

hopefulmom · February 2009

If it would be the same people being invited to all three showers then I would say don't do a third. 4 years is not that long. My grandson will be 4 by the time my DD has her 2nd and she is not having a second shower. If you didn't save your stuff...it isn't for other people to buy it for you. If you want to have a "meet the baby party" after the baby is born then that is fine.

That being said, if you have moved, have all new friends, go to a new church, etc. then I would go for it. I have a friend who's kids were 6 1/2 years apart but she used to live in another city and had different co-workers and friends and went to my church (so a new church). No one there had been to her other shower except her mom and sister. We didn't invite her cousins, etc. because it just "wasn't done" in her family. So if you have a completely new guest list..then have the party. I would also do what the other pp said...make sure everything is in place and not tell you mom until she gets her invite. Then she can go or not.

simplystressed1 · February 2009

I think a baby shower is a celebration of that child's birth. If you want another baby shower have one. I know a lot of people who look down upon it, but the way I justify that is if Michelle Dugger from 17 kids and counting can have a baby shower for HER 18th BABY!! you can have one for your third. I'm having one for my second and its going to be way better than my first was years ago. so have one and enjoy. celebrate that baby!

RoxyLynn · February 2009

simplystressed:
the way I justify that is if Michelle Dugger from 17 kids and counting can have a baby shower for HER 18th BABY!! you can have one for your third.

Is Michelle Dugger really someone of such high etiquette standards that you look to her as a model of appropriate behavior? I don't know a thing about the woman other than what I've read on the nest, but the fact that she has had a shower for each of her children is NOT behavior to follow. That's like saying "Inspektor Pilot" is a real name just because some celebrity inflicted it on their child.

simplystressed1 · February 2009

she hasn't had one for every child just some of them, and her church decided to throw her one, so i feel if others want to throw a shower to celebrate your child, let them. I see nothing wrong with it.

simplystressed1 · February 2009

she hasn't had one for every child just some of them, and her church decided to throw her one, so i feel if others want to throw a shower to celebrate your child, let them. I see nothing wrong with it. and no "inspektor pilot" is just a really bad name.

BCLong21 · February 2009

I threw a second baby shower for my sister when she found out she was having a boy. She had, had two girls previous to the last baby she had and she did not keep any of her baby stuff. Plus she had no boy stuff, so me and the hostesses helped her with the stroller she wanted because we knew she could not afford it herself.

I do not look down on them when you have your kids spread out so far apart. I think it would be exceptable for you to have another shower. I would concentrate on getting the bigger stuff like cribs, strollers and play yards yourself. But if you have nothing else then I would go for it.

I think it is all in the perspective of who is throwing it and who is invited. Most ladies enjoy being able to help you out no matter how many babies you have had. Everyone knows how expensive it is to have a baby and when you have two older ones it is very expensive. So if your friends wnat to throw you a shower let them do it.

ahampton · February 2009

Normally I would say no to a baby shower if it's not for your first child. However, it would also be just as rude to turn down a shower your friends want to throw for you. If it is your friends throwing it, that's their way of showing their love for you, not your way of trying to get things.

This being said, I would call the consignment shop and see if they still have your stuff. I would try to get the bigger items on my own and then people coming to the shower could just get you the smaller cutesy type items.

Another idea I saw somewhere would be to have a "stock the freezer" party (if you have a deep freezer, that is). Guests could be asked to bring a ready made meal (soups, casseroles, etc.) that you can freeze and use at your convenience. I'm sure this would help you out big time when you have 3 kids at home.

Good Luck!

rockylover · February 2009

This one is definately tough. I can totally see where your family is coming from, but at the same time your last shower was a long time ago. I would definately put out the feelers will other family members and friends to get their opinions. If you have a pretty good amount of people who want to come than definately go for it. Also, Maybe the friends who want to throw it can help with your MIL and SIL and get them to be a little more excited about it. I personally would go to a friends shower who had 2 other kids, especially if I knew that she was doing it with good intentions. Good luck!

Jenny Thomas · February 2009

You really got a lot of mixed reviews on this topic. Personally, I wouldn't care if a mom had a shower for each child she had. If someone is throwing it for you, then it is a kind gesture that others can choose to celebrate with you or not. A guest can just choose to go or not go.

I threw a small shower for a coworker who was having her third child. I was so surprised by all the grief I got for throwing her a small scale shower. First of all, the mom to be shouldn't be criticized. I mean, you aren't throwing the shower for yourself. This mom had generously given away ALL of her baby items to other people in a very generous and selfless manner, so...she had nothing left. She had even given some things to some of the people who were the most vocal about how tacky it was that she was having another shower.

Having Endo and pcos, or any other fertility issues for that matter, can really play a role in how many kids you have or can have. I don't think anyone needs to throw it in your face that this pregnancy wasn't an expected one. That shouldn't matter. You are having a new child and will need new things to care for the child. Showers are about celebrations and helping soon to be moms (whether or not they have had a child) with some of the expenses they will incur by purchasing necessary care taking items. Having and raising children are expensive life changes. Sending a gift to a shower is not going to "cover it all" for the expecting mom.

Your kids are spread out. Who cares what others think. If they want to join in on the celebration of the new baby, then they should come and if they look at it as tacky, then don't come.

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