Men taking FMLA
I'm a litte late to the working by choice posts, but one thing caught my eye regarding men not taking the FMLA or paternity leave that is sometimes offered.
Before I got pregnant, I felt that my DH should take time off because I am a feminist - if I do it, so should DH. This is our child, not just mine.
But when I had DD, my perception shifted completely. The division of labor is a reality because of some physical facts that cannot be changed. I had the baby, I had to recover, I had to provide BM. DH couldn't do these things, so why should he stay home from work on FMLA, unpaid? Why should we both be basically 'out of work' with no money coming in?
Obviously this is point that loses validity once the body has recovered, BFing ends. But by then, is there a need for men to take FLMA?
Just some devil's advocate points because in my situation DH did stay home for DD's first month with me.
Re: Men taking FMLA
When I had the boys DH took four weeks of FML. The good news was he filled in the time with leave so he did get paid. I think it's important to have the option - if it works for you and your family's personal situation that's great.
My twins are 5! My baby is 3!
DS#2 - Allergic to Cashew, Pistachio, Kiwi
DS#3 - Allergic to Milk, Egg, Peanut, Tree Nuts and Sesame
My husband didn't qualify for FMLA but he did take some time off. It was fantastic. He took the time to bond with his children. To feed them and bathe them and have them sleep on his chest. Everything I did except a little pumping. He is a parent.
I think definately men should get FMLA - which isn't just for childbirth/recovery.
Agree they should get it, but just questioning how practical is it when it is unpaid? I know it isn't just for childbirth, but the idea of maternity leave is.
I think we can't have it both ways. If we deem it important for women to have time to bond with their child (We do have bonding leave in CA) and for women to have time with their newborn child, men should also have that right.
I understand that men are not "healing" from giving birth, though. But I would say that they go through their own traumas.
I think the unpaid part just makes things dependent on your income. I think men should take time off if they can swing it. But many can not - I understand.
I took 16 weeks off, but I needed to go back to work. At that point, DH began FMLA (unpaid) b/c we wanted to delay putting her in daycare until she is 6 months old. He did take 2 weeks off vacation when she was born and saved the FMLA for now.
Since I'm the one who made the original comment...
I definitely agree that there are physical realities, i.e. mom needs recovery time, but recovery is generally considered to take 6-8 weeks. As far as I'm concerned, anything beyond that is fair game to go to Dad -- yet I very rarely hear about families taking advantage of that.
There is no need for both parents to be "out of work." FMLA leave doesn't have to be taken immediately after the birth, so Mom could take her 2 or 3 months off upfront for recovery, and then Dad could take his time after Mom goes back to work. With your employer's approval, it can even be spread over a period of time, e.g. Dad could work 4-day weeks and take Fridays as his FMLA time until his FMLA allotment is exhausted.
Just to make this clear, men do have (partially paid) bonding leave in CA. It's been a while since I looked into it, and my situation was a little different because my employer provided paid leave, but I seem to recall that mom gets 6 or 8 weeks (depending on vaginal vs. c/s) of STD and then each parent gets an additional 6 weeks "bonding leave." Again, I never once heard of a dad taking advantage of this -- and it was partially paid!
Note, I'm not criticizing individual families. Maybe Dad doesn't want to take leave, and Mom does. Maybe Dad's income is greater and so financially, it's easier for Mom to take unpaid leave. Hopefully, every family is able to make the decision that works for them!
I'm just struck by the overall trend. I often see posts about families making sacrifices to make sure Mom gets a longer leave (past that minimum of 6-8 weeks), yet I rarely see posts about families doing the same to make sure Dad gets leave. It's a sign that paternity leave simply is not as socially acceptable as maternity leave.
Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)
It is very true. SAHDs and even men who take some time off are frowned upon in the business world. Another double standard.
Completey agree that is it not socially acceptable. Like I said, DH took off two weeks of vacation and then he got another two weeks during Christmas time (but so did everyone at his work). We actually planned (as much as you can plan) DD to fall within this time. Lucky for us it worked out. Had it not been that time of the year, DH would have taken off a couple weeks. But financially we couldn't swing both of us taking time unpaid off.
It actually helped us with DH not taking additional time off because when I went back to work, I had only 2 days of leave (sick + vacay). DH had a bunch of days off and take DD to the pedi, stay home with her on sick days, etc.
I talked to my DH to get his perspective and he brought up a good point. He said that if anything, it is more important for the father to take time off of work to spend time with the baby because the mother and baby have had 9 months of bonding + 6-8 weeks recovery time. just a thought...
The fact that FMLA is unpaid sucks completely. And yes you are the one who needs to physically recover and BF. BUT personally I thought that from 4 months - 1 year were the worst, I'd gladly have worked full time and had DH sah then. Why should you have to be tied to a screaming ball of inarticulate wants all day every day while he prances off to his nice airconditioned job and deals with coherent adults? Seriously!
From when DS was about 3 months old I longed to go back to work and wish DH had had the option of more leave. As it was he took the paid parental leave his workplace had and stayed home with us from 2-5 months so effectively he had paid FMLA length leave. It made him a lot more sympathetic when I ended up at home for another year on my own.?
BTW dh works in a dept with a fair number of guys his age and a few years younger than he is. So when DS was around 2 there was a bit of a baby boom. All the young guys who thought it was weird that he stayed home with us for 3 months and started to leave work on time instead of late got their come-uppance.?
Suddenly his friends were whining about their babies keeping them awake and their wives needing them to come home so they could shower and eat, and how hard it all was, and how grateful they were that they could get away to the office or how they wished they could have more leave in some cases. DH smiled. He never complained at the time because they would never have "got it".?