Need advice for a friend/
I posted this on the preemie board and now I think I may have written it on the wrong board, so I will try it here in hope of advice from those who have been there.
My dear friend had a 23 week baby a few weeks ago. The baby has survived heart surgery to close a valve. There have been issues with fluid retension and a collapsed lung to name just a few other problems. Now the baby is septic. Is this something that can be handled?
I just hate it when she calls and I don't know what to do to help. I told her to let me know what she needed, but I dont think she even knows right now. She was told the baby would not make it this week and the baby is still here. I am at a loss as to how to handle this and what to expect for her. She asked me how she was supposed to handle the baby dying and how she was supposed to get through it. I have no idea. I told her to just go be with the baby and to touch him and just think nothing but thoughts of love when doing so. Surely there is something better I can tell her? But what?
Any guidance and insight would be valuable and any words of wisdom as to what I can do or not do to help her would be wonderful. BTW her parents have passed and we are several states apart. I keep telling her I will get on a flight tonight if needed. When I asked if she needed me to come in, she got quiet and then said something along the lines of "I would never ask , but I am sure I could use you." Still, she has her husband and I don't want to infringe on their private time when every day is a challenge for them.I hate thinking I would impose. I ask you say a prayer for them and hope you have some good advice. I just feel ...helpless.
Re: Need advice for a friend/
I completely agree with this. Also, you can bring her meals and maybe some of her fav. ice cream.
I would go tomorrow.
She said "I would never ask , but I am sure I could use you."
Stay in a hotel or with another friend. I don't think she needs a houseguest but it really sounds like she wants you there. I know she has her husband but a friend can add an extra layer of support that her husband may not be able to do. Also, if you go and meet the baby I think it will help afterwards. You will be one of the few people who will have known and will remember the baby. That to me would be a priceless gift if I was in her shoes.
What you told her about just being with the baby and loving it was likely the very best thing you could say.
I agree -- she wouldn't have said what she did if she didn't really want you to be there. Her husband is probably having a hard time as well, so having another person there will really help her feel stronger. Good luck... my thoughts and positive vibes are with you, your friend, and her family.
providing emotional support for someone going through this kind of suffering starts with providing physical support. and what I mean by that is that she will be to consumed with sorrow to think about her basic needs. so if you can help out with her food, hotel accommodatins (if needed), grocery shopping, cleaning, buying her toiletries, setting up a blog for her so she can post her thoughts, making phone calls, sending out emails or anything else she may need.
I would ask to do very specific things like "I would like to..." instead of "is there anything that I can do" since that is too broad and will not likely produce an authentic response.
I am so sorry that she is going through this. No one should have to be in her shoes and you sound like an amazing friend.
9 angels in heaven-3 in my arms and 1 in the NICU
Mono/di twin girls: Josephine born to heaven and Evangeline born Earthside at 25w