friend TTC

Manderlin923 · February 2009

Let me first say that I don't know much about this because we only tried for a couple months before I got pregnant but I have a close friend who has been trying for a year and a half.

I feel for her, I really do and I want her to get pregnant. They recently went to see a doctor and are starting all these tests and then IVF.

The thing is and I'm in no way judging the women who are TTC who do smoke (to be honest I smoked for years) but she does and hasn't let up at all, she even smoked while she was pregnant with her first child. When I was trying I got a book called "Getting Pregnant" and it says that smoking decreases your fertility by 30% or something like that.....she also drinks quite often and doesn't eat very healthy and lives a very high stress lifestyle- all of which probably aren't helping her get pregnant.

I guess what I'm saying is if you are going to spend so much money on IVF and doctor bills and all that, wouldn't you first try to get as healthy as you can on your own? I want to mention this to her but at the same time I know it's none of my business. But if it could help her..... I don't know, isn't that my duty as a friend? What do you think?

Traycee1242 · February 2009

That's a very slippery slope.

I guess I would email her so I could make sure it came out gently instead of confronting her in person. She will most likely be very defensive.

Surely her Dr's are aware? Especially the smoking. It's very easy to smell on someone

thaira · February 2009

if you did talk to her you'd have to be very supportive and maybe ask her(instead of telling) can you smoke when you do inv? Are your doctors concerned with your stress level at work....get her to tell you more about it...and ask questions in that form. So your having this conversation like your on her team instead of confronting her.

BetchySprout · February 2009

Trust me, she knows. I would not say anything to her, she will be very resentful. People who have trouble TTC don't need fertile people telling them how to get pregnant any more than fat people need skinny people to tell them how to lose weight.

DMBMamma · February 2009

Traycee1242:

That's a very slippery slope.

I guess I would email her so I could make sure it came out gently instead of confronting her in person. She will most likely be very defensive.

Surely her Dr's are aware? Especially the smoking. It's very easy to smell on someone

DO NOT! I REPEAT, DO NOT DO IT IN aAN EMAIL! Emails are taken the wrong way all the time, since you can't hear voice inflection in an email. If you confronted her in email, she will think you are being condescending. Just ask her if her doctor asked her to quit smoking before IVF, or if her doctor reccomended she see a nutritionist for a healthy eating plan while she is TTC and pregnant. And if she doesn't open up, then move on.

sandollar · February 2009

I definitely wouldn't sat anything. I am sure she knows all these things if she has been TTC for that long. Even if you are only trying for few months, you read everything. The decision to change her lifestyle has to be hers and I wouldn't put the friendship on the line like that.?

kcbrandle · February 2009

The only way I would talk to her about it is if you share a success story of another woman who quit smoking and conceived. You could present it in a "it worked for her!" kind of fashion and say how badly you want her to have her dream of a baby. Even this could be risky though... I might just let her handle it on her own.

Brownie_222 · February 2009

Well, that is a tough situation. I think it would be hard for the OP to listen to her friend be so upset about her fertility problems but know that she wasn't taking steps to be in the best possible position. There is some degree of responsibility here that the friend could be taking. I'm not saying it would help her conceive overnight, but it is hard to listen to someone vent/be upset for an extended period of time when you know they aren't taking control of the variables they have power over. I agree a face to face conversation would be better than email. GL!

yale · February 2009

Leave it to her doctor. I'm sure she's been told all these things already.

Beaming_Bride · February 2009

I agree with yale. Unless she doesn't give her doctor an accurate medical history, he/she will tell her all of this, so as tough as it may be, if I were you I would not get involved.

schmoodle · February 2009

kcbrandle:
The only way I would talk to her about it is if you share a success story of another woman who quit smoking and conceived.? You could present it in a "it worked for her!" kind of fashion and say how badly you want her to have her dream of a baby.? Even this could be risky though... I might just let her handle it on her own.

Actually, women going through infertility hate hearing stories like this. If I had $1 for every time someone told me that "so and so adopted and then got pregnant" or "my friend's cousin cut out dairy and got pregnant" I would be rich, but none of that would have gotten me pregnant considering I don't ovulate and my DH has practically no normal sperm.I don't know what the friend's diagnosis is but it's possible that whatever her diagnosis is, it's something that can't be fixed even by having a healthier lifestyle so telling her someone else got pregnant from quitting smoking will probably just upset her.

I agree, especially after doing IVF, that it seems incredibly stupid to continue to smoke and drink a lot when you're putting so much effort into this, but it won't help her to say something, it will just come across as judgmental advice from someone without infertility (and I'm not saying you're being judgmental, I agree with you, but no one dealing with IF wants advice from someone not dealing with it).

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