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Need more support from DH

JChandlerJBatesJChandlerJBates
in Multiples

I am so fusterated with him right now.  He doesn't understand what I go through everyday taking care of the boys at home.  I try and explain it to him and he just through that he has to go to work every morning in my face.  Its like taking care of 1 month olds isn't a job.  Trust me its a job I love, but for the past 3 nights I have been doing feedings on my own and then taking care of them all day until he gets home.  Its really starting to wear on me.  When I tired to talk to him about how I was feeling last night he told me to go out and do something when he gets home and he will take care of the boys.  I am too tired when he gets home to go out and do something.  What really got me going was the the other morning.  He got up to go to work and I have been sleeping in our spare bedroom so he came to check on me and I had both boys up, one feeding and one crying to be feed.  All he said was "How did the night go?" and turned around and walked back into our bedroom and took a shower.  He didn't even ask if he could help.

I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. 

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Re: Need more support from DH

  • mmbenchmmbench member

    I saw your status on Facebook and wanted to say something, but didn't want my DH to see it.

     I totally understand how you feel, and it can be totally frustrating.  My husband is the type who will help out if he's told explicitly what to do, but cannot see what's going on right in front of his face.

    I'm afraid the only answer is the hardest one - a conversation with him that says I need more help when you're here.  I dread these conversations, and we have them every few months or so.  It doesn't seem to do a whole lot of good here.

    <<hugs>>

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  • MetalMonkeyMetalMonkey
    I'm soooo sorry your DH isn't helping you more.  If my DH was around more (he travels constantly for work) I would lend him to you.  He is very active in caring for our girls and I wish I could divide him up and lend him out to the MoMs who need more support/help.  Sending you big ((HUGS)).
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  • lutzcowgirlielutzcowgirlie
    Um, if he wants to talk about going to work vs. baby care, then let him have the babies ALL DAY with no help one weekend and see how he is feeling by the end.
     
    My DH is no good at helping unless I tell him exactly what to do. And I do mean exactly. I can't just say, "Hey, can you help out with some laundry?" and think that he'll follow it through to completion. I have to say, "Can you go to all the bedrooms and the bathroom and collect all the dirty clothes? Can you move the stuff from the washer to the dryer and put in a new load? Can you carry the basket of clean clothes back to our bedroom?" If I don't tell him exactly what to do it won't get done.
     
    The same works for babies. Instead of, "Can you help with the babies?" try "Can you try holding and shushing him for a few minutes until I can finish with the other? Can you go change his diaper while I am getting him dressed? Can you take on the next feeding so that I can get in a nap before I take over for the night?"
     
    It is frustrating, but you have to tell them exactly what you need or they just won't figure it out.
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  • lovethe1storylovethe1story

    I'm sorry things are tough right now. ?I have no tips on how to talk to dh.

    But I would suggest taking him up on getting out of the house for a bit when he gets home. ?I know it feels like the last thing you want to do, but even going to Target or Borders books for 20 minutes without the babies is relaxing. ?Just driving in the car alone now has a much different feel than having the kids in the back.

    Just my two cents.

    HTH

    Trina?

    Trina


    image
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  • AlisaSAlisaS member

    You need to be able to communicate with your husband. I don't get women who have husbands who are oblivious and need to be told to help out. I blame the women in large part for setting up such a situation.

    You need to sit down with him and work out a schedule you both can live with. And stick to it. You are a team.

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  • lutzcowgirlielutzcowgirlie
    imageAlisaS:

    I don't get women who have husbands who are oblivious and need to be told to help out. I blame the women in large part for setting up such a situation.

     
    Absolutely. In most cases like this t is the woman's fault that her husband is the way he is. You certainly can't take into consideration the fact that he lived for 20-30 years in his own world, with his own experiences, developing his own personality, habits, and failings. She should be able to jump into his head and rewire his brain so that he gets it without having to be told to help out. Sounds like the ideal solution. Spot on.
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  • nbjenninbjenni
    imagelutzcowgirlie:
    imageAlisaS:

    I don't get women who have husbands who are oblivious and need to be told to help out. I blame the women in large part for setting up such a situation.

     
    Absolutely. In most cases like this t is the woman's fault that her husband is the way he is. You certainly can't take into consideration the fact that he lived for 20-30 years in his own world, with his own experiences, developing his own personality, habits, and failings. She should be able to jump into his head and rewire his brain so that he gets it without having to be told to help out. Sounds like the ideal solution. Spot on.

    Hehehe.

    Invest in an electric cattle prod.

    In all seriousness, I totally understand. I have to tell my H to the letter what I need done, and it still doesn't always get done the way I want it to. I've had to learn that just because it is done different, it is not wrong.

    My H was a total arsehole while I was on maternity leave. Once I went back to work he really stepped up, and finally realized what a hard job I had been doing. In fact, he has Fridays off, so he is home alone with them all day. I LOVE coming home to see him all frazzled, hehehe.

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  • AlisaSAlisaS member
    imagelutzcowgirlie:
    imageAlisaS:

    I don't get women who have husbands who are oblivious and need to be told to help out. I blame the women in large part for setting up such a situation.

     
    Absolutely. In most cases like this t is the woman's fault that her husband is the way he is. You certainly can't take into consideration the fact that he lived for 20-30 years in his own world, with his own experiences, developing his own personality, habits, and failings. She should be able to jump into his head and rewire his brain so that he gets it without having to be told to help out. Sounds like the ideal solution. Spot on.

    Then why marry a guy that isn't helpful? Treating him like you are his mother sets up a bad cycle of miscommunication and perpetuates the childish behavior. I wouldn't want to be giving my husband orders every day. He is an adult and I already have two children in the house.

    Unless of course, you are truly happy bearing the bulk of childcare/housekeeping, delegating specific duties to your husband and accepting that kind of dynamic. If you are, fine. If not, then communication is key. Maybe some women have husbands whose other qualities make up for their not being full participants in certain areas.

    She needs to communicate her needs and come up with a schedule with her husband. If he is so insensitive that he won't stick to it, then she has bigger issues.

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  • TazDevTazDev
    My DH can be the same way.  If you ask him to deal with the kids he thinks it just means hold them or intervene if there is a problem.  When we are getting ready to go out I have to ask him to please get DS dressed to go.  We talked about it all at one point (it was driving me nuts asking for every little thing) and he said to me that you always seem to have it all under control and I do not want to mess up your groove.  I told him I need him to offer help a bit more and he has but he also told to just tell him what I need him to do and he will do it no problem.  It has worked.  We found out that we "hear" words differently sometimes.  And he felt at that age that I knew so much better then him that he would leave it to me.  Maybe your DH just does not know what to do.  I would talk to him. I dreaded the conversation.  It went better then I thought.
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  • lutzcowgirlielutzcowgirlie
    imageAlisaS:
    ... delegating specific duties to your husband and accepting that kind of dynamic. If you are, fine. If not, then communication is key. Maybe some women have husbands whose other qualities make up for their not being full participants in certain areas.

    She needs to communicate her needs and come up with a schedule with her husband. If he is so insensitive that he won't stick to it, then she has bigger issues.

     
    The thing is, you are also suggesting delegating specific duties to your husband - you just expect to be able to discuss it once and be done with it. Our communication is ongoing - as my needs change the things I want him to do change as well. If I don't tell him constantly and specifically what I want from him then I am not communicating.
     
    Some days I want him to take over things with the house. Some days I want him to handle breakfast, some days I want him to get out of my face and let me do my thing. By constantly telling him what to do there is no confusion. You may think it seems juvenile or like mothering, but I think it is practical. No misunderstandings here.
     
    Oh, and my DH is fantastic in several other ways, that do, in fact, make up for some of these failings.
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