Birth mother question
I do not normally visit this board but I am frazzled as to where to turn. 21 years ago I gave birth to a baby girl who in the long run ended up being adopted (very long story). The last time I saw "D" was when she was 3 in Dec. 1990. Fast forward .... my two sons have been searching for their half sister for a while and on Facebook last night found her. They have since sent her a message as I have too. I do not want to invade her life but only want to know she is okay and has had a good life.
Anyway, would you as an adoptive mother encourage or discourage the meeting of a birth parent to your adoptive child. I know this has probably caught her off-guard but then I find out she has had a relationship with my mother and sister all these years (yet another long story that I am just learning). Am I being unrealistic in hopes she will respond to us? I feel like I have opened a wound up again and my DH worries i am going to get heartbroken by this.
Any words of encouragement?
Re: Birth mother question
I would encourage her if I was her adoptive mother.
I don't think you should be concerned if she already has a relationship with other members of your family. I would be more concerned about why they kept it a secret from you.
I hope it all works out well for you -- if you haven't already, don't be afraid to seek out counseling.
I would for sure encourage her if I was her adoptive mother. Also it sounds like she is old enough now (no longer a minor) to make her own decisions, as far as contact goes.
However, I would be crushed if my family kept it away from me that they had kept in contact with her.
I don't know if "encourage" is the right word for me. I would make sure she is always aware that I am supportive 150% if she wants to find her BM. It would be a decision that was totally hers.
I think it is a great thing you found her and I wish you the best in this journey.
I actually hope that our child can have a relationship with their BM from the get-go. I think it is psychologically healthy.
Your situation sounds complicated. I'm not sure an out of the blue message on facebook was the right tactic but it's done. The ball is now in her court. If she doesn't respond then I think you need to let it go. Or try sending a letter to her adoptive parents (if not directly, then perhaps through the agency or attorney that was used) and see if they can help foster a relationship.
Ultimately this is her decision and if she doesn't feel the need or desire to reach out to you and your family than you have to respect that despite her having a relationship with others in your family. You can leave her your phone number or address and let her know that you'll be available if ever in the future she would like to ask you questions or talk with you.
Good luck to you :-)
As an adopted child, I can say that a random message on FB would freak me out a bit. That being said, I would probably respond if for no other reason than to thank my BM. I have wonderful parents and have had a great life.
Now whether or not, I would want to establish a relationship, I would have to decide that as things unfolded. I think that I would probably want to meet with a counselor to talk things through. I like the idea of discussing these types of issues with someone who can give me an unbiased opinion.
The fact that your child has been in contact with other of your family members complicates matters. I can't believe that they would be in contact and not tell you.
I would suggest that you meet with a counselor to talk through any issues you may feel learning this and how you want to handle things either way (your daughter wants or doesn't want a relationship).
Good luck.
Oh, my parents have always been encouraging toward any efforts or discussions related to finding my birth-parents.
I'm not a mom but an adopted child. Granted, my circumstances sound very different from yours but personally, I do not want anyone to contact me and I most likely wouldn't respond if they did. It isn't a matter of being angry or anything my parents have said (they would support me in whatever I choice I made in that regard) but simply put, I'm just not that curious. I have a family, not looking for another. I know many are very different from me in that regard but I am content with my life and at least at this point, have no desire to seek out anyone from my bio family.
I have to say, an out of the blue facebook message would freak me out a lot. I don't know if that was really the best way to make contact. I am sure she is pretty shocked at this point.
I also would be a bit concerned about your extended family being in contact for apparently some time and not ever telling you, though it sounds like there is a lot of history there. I am so sorry for that. That is horrible. You may consider talking to a counselor about this as some have previously mentioned. They may also be able to give you tips on how to best proceed with this. I wish you all the best.
As an adopted child, a message on FB would totally upset me and freak me out. I had to go thru an agency to find my BM and the day the lady called me to tell me they were sending me a letter from my BM and the day I got the letter both were very emotional for me. I understand feeling like if it is your only way of contacting her, then so be it but if your family had contact with her, is there a way they will give you her information or her adoptive parents information so that you can get a better perspective on this? Finding my BM was completely on my terms, as well, as I was the one who started the search.?I have found my BM and my 2 half sisters and it isn't always the easiest thing. If you have any specific ? feel free to ask. ??
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