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Should I change my son's name?

jpowell3jpowell3
in Blended Families
My fiance has asked me a few times now if I will be changing my son's last name once we are married. Personally I have never thought of doing it before he asked me. I feel like it is kinda wrong to do it. My ex said he "won't have time" to see him for the next couple years because he is in school & needs to concentrate on it (he also moved down to Florida). I'm assuming that once he graduates & has a job & moves out on his own (lives w/parents right now) that he will still be "to busy" to have him for visits, or that he can't find a babysitter...etc. My son can't start kindergarten until he is 6, so I have a couple years to decide, but I still feel kinda iffy. I also want to be clear that my fi isn't pushing or forcing me in any way. He said he understands that this is my decision. What do you girls think? Is it something that you would ever do? Should I even care about it hurting my ex's feelings? Would this confuse my son?  Tia.
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Re: Should I change my son's name?

  • mhwoodmhwood member
    You will more then likely have to get permission from your son's father to make the name change.
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  • jpowell3jpowell3
    Yes I am aware of that. He has told me before that I can change his name to my maiden name, but not my married name.
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  • riabironriabiron member
    We would have a cow if BM tried to do that, but then again we are involved with SD.
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  • Karma1969Karma1969 member
    I wouldn't change his name.  If you were going to chnage it from his last name now to what your name will be, I could see talking about it.  But, since you would be changing it to a different last name that still won't match yours,  there doesn't seem to be a point.
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  • Mrs.SesaMrs.Sesa
    Just leave it as is now.
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  • ARussARuss member
    I would not change your sons name.  I would leave it as it is.  If his father is not involved once he gets older.... then maybe he will want to change his last name on his own. 
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  • MimiUVIbrideMimiUVIbride
    I wouldn't change his name even though your ex is not in his life he is still his father.  I understand the need for everyone in the house to carry the same last name but the only way I would do something like that is I had no contact at all with the father and DH was adopting my child.  My house is all confused, I still have my maiden lane, DH has his name and my daughter has her father's name.  It's strange but works out okay.
    Misty & Victor Jr. Married August 5, 2006 - St. John, USVI BFP 11/1/09 - Natural M.C. 11/30/09
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I would only consider this is FI is adopting DS, if not it's not right to DS to have the name of a man other than his father - even if his father sucks.  While I am sure you are going into this relationship with a forever mentality (and I hope that for you too) but we all know that anything can happen and if God-forbid you ever split your DS woulid have the name of your ex who is not his father.  It's different if DS decides this when he is much older - certainly not his decision as a young kid.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • sdc81sdc81 member
    I think this is a conversation you need to have with your son's father; regardless of how little he might see him or not... if he still has rights I cannot imagine that he would want his son's name changed; further you will need his permission more than likely.
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  • MrsBPOMrsBPO member

    imagejpowell3:
    Yes I am aware of that. He has told me before that I can change his name to my maiden name, but not my married name.

    And there you have your answer.  He is the father, regardless of whether he is "dad" or not.

    If he's not willing to sever his rights legally, never see his child again, and allow your husband to legally adopt him, you can't just "up and change his name."  You have to go through the court system, notify the father (yes, you have to notify him and send him court documents) and go through the channels.  If BF isn't willing, he can fight and he WILL win.

    Honestly, how important is the name to how your DH feels as "Dad" to your son?  Will it make that much of a difference to him?  If your son's BF is out of the picture and he wants to make a willing choice to honor his SF by changing his name when he is older (it's much easier for son to do it on his 18th birthday since he's an adult and can make the choice without his BF's approval, btw, and do it as a gift to SF), isn't that a much better option for all involved?  He won't be "forced" and SF will know it was his "son's" choice and not a fait accompli done when he was a child without his approval.

    And, heaven forbid, if something does happen with DH, should your son have the name of someone who is "mom's ex" and not "dad"?  Really?  I speak from experience on this.


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  • jpowell3jpowell3
    imageMrsBPO:

    imagejpowell3:
    Yes I am aware of that. He has told me before that I can change his name to my maiden name, but not my married name.

    And, heaven forbid, if something does happen with DH, should your son have the name of someone who is "mom's ex" and not "dad"?  Really?  I speak from experience on this.

     

    I have never thought of this situation, thanks girls! I will go with my gut & just keep his name. I do like the idea of him changing it when he is an adult as a "gift." if he chooses to. What!?? My baby is going to grow into an adult??. :: Goes into panick mode::

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  • goldielux1176goldielux1176

    My DH has his step-dad's last name because it was his mother's last name when DH was born.  She had divorced DH's step-dad married DH's dad, divorced DH's dad then re-married the step-dad and DH was raised by his step-dad.   

    Anyway, DH's dad was not in the picture when he was little, but came into his life later.  He and his father do not have a father/son relationship now, but they do have a friend/friend relationship and they hang out.  DH has said that he wishes he had his father's last name, but that he doesn't want to change his last name because he doesn't want to spend the money to go to court and he is used to having this last name since he has had it for 26 years.

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  • Serendipity07Serendipity07

    I would not get it changed unless bio-dad gave up his parental rights and step-dad legally adopted him as his own son.

    BM tried to go behind our backs and change my SS's last names to her current husband's and the state smacked her with a letter and said "No, no...you can't do that unless the bio-dad gives up his rights and your husband legally adopts them"...and BM knows we'd never let that happen and DH would never give up his rights to his own sons.

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