First steps of adoption

I am currently miscarrying and my DH really doesn't want to see me go through another IVF failed cycle. He brought up adoption to me last night and I was in complete shock that he did. I never thought it was open to adopting. I live in Massachusetts and was just wondering what does one have to do to get the ball rolling.  

Re: First steps of adoption

  • Hey... I remember you from the other boards.  Just wanted to say hi and that I'm sorry you are going through another loss.  I just had laproscopic surgery and a D&C yesterday for my fifth loss.  We started the adoption process in September and should be through with our homestudy in the next week and a half.  Adoption is definitely our hope and saving grace right now.  I wish you and your husband the best!
  • I'm so sorry.

    IMO, the first thing you need to do it be in the mindset that adoption is the option for you. It may take some time for you and your DH to be on the same page, for you both to grieve the loss of the ability to have a biological child, and be ready for the rigors of the adoption process.

    At that point, the best thing to do it start researching. Internet sites, books, etc. and have good information, and I really liked Adoption for Dummies. Even going through the phone book will give you an idea of what's available to you in your area. Some local agencies may have adoption seminars that you can attend to get an idea of the process. We've attended 2 over the phone or on the internet, and one in person.

    You'll need to decide what kind of adoption is right for you--foster/adopt, domestic, international. And what method is best--adoption lawyer, facilitator, agency.

    It's a lot to process, and it takes some time, but you'll find your way. We've been talking about adoption for a little over a year, started the research part of the process this summer, and are almost ready to choose an agency around the beginning of 2009.

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  • I'm so sorry for this loss you're going through.  As for adoption, if you and your DH decide that it's the right option for your family, it is a wonderful process.  Ours is not complete yet, but we are getting closer.

    I fully agree with what DrL said about grieving the loss and being ready to shift your focus before starting into this.  The process itself, in addition to being complicated and long at times brings with it a great deal of vulnerability and exposure as you have a number of strangers asking incredibly personal questions about everything from IF to finances and personal history.  Once you're ready for it, it's just one step in the process but it can be daunting otherwise.

    For us, we took our time getting to the point of being ready, but then we launched ourselves into research in April, chose and agency in May and began our HS in June.  I think as far as practical tangible things that you can do to start the process and even to start your own conversations with your DH and be sure you're both thinking and dreaming the same way, it's great to start by thinking about what type of adoption (foster, dom, IA) and to begin getting info from agencies even if that's not the path you chose in the end.  For DH and I the choice was always international and we knew what country so that was the easy part.  We liked having a lot of written info from our country of choice and from a couple different agencies because we flipped through it all back and forth until we found what felt right.


  • Hi I am sorry for you losses we too have had 2 losses in the last 2 years and have just started out adoption process.  If you want a recommendation on an agency we are using Wide Horizon for Children and they are based out of Mass.  Let me know if you want any more info on them.  We are using them and we have friends that have used them 3 times.  Email me if you want     [email protected]


  • Dr. L said it really well -- as always.  :)

    I just wanted to add that I am so sorry for your loss.  Mine was by far the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and I would highly recommend therapy.  It really helped me deal with lots of issues that came up as discussion points with our social worker during our homestudy process.

  • Hi - I remember you from tttc and I want to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I agree with drl that the best thing is to give yourself time to grieve. We did start the process while still in txs and then while in the grieving process and I'm glad we did.It was confusing to say the least that I was so devastated about one thing and so excited about another at the same time.

     We started last spring on   Through their site we found a 4 -8 week course on adoption offered through our local children's hospital. We started with that and learned a lot about adoption and decided on the type of adoption we wanted (domestic newborn). If you don't have something like that in Mass than I would surf the internet for info and maybe grab some books from the library. We then started our search for an agency with the phone book.

  • I saw your post on SAIF first - I am so sorry for your loss.

    I am just starting out with research too, so if you'd like a "research buddy" I am happy to share the journey with you.  (and coincidentally, I'm just right up in NH, too!)

    I agree with PP - allow yourself the time to grieve this loss.  And when you are ready (whenever that is!), this is an amazing group of sensitive, supportive and knowledgeable women.

    Hugs to you.

  • I am so sorry for your losses.  Take care of yourself. 

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  • I'm so sorry to hear of your losses.  It sounds like you and your husband have been through the roughest of times.  As others have said, I think you and your husband should make it a point to take all the time you need to grieve, start the healing process, and, if necessary, reconnect as a couple.

    When you are ready to consider adoption, there are many great resources.  Someone mentioned Adoption for Dummies.  Two other great books are The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption and The Complete Adoption Book.  Any of these will introduce you to the different kinds of adoption, the pros and cons of each, and the various issues involved in adoption.

    As other's have said, adoption is a lengthy, tedious process, and the process may be enough to make anyone not truly committed turn away.  But what many people are not aware of is that adoption is a lifelong journey, through which the birth parents, child, and adoptive parents will all deal with various losses and are constantly learning new ways to reconcile their pasts.  Still, I believe it's a wonderful path paved by the deepest love and concern for one another, and therefore is a special life journey for those who choose to build their families through adoption.

    If you and your husband decide that adoption is the right path for your family, the next step will be to decide on which type of adoption.  The answer to that question will point you in the right direction to help you find an appropriate agency or path to your child.  (If private domestic, the next step is usually to find an agency or lawyer; if from foster care, the next step is usually to find the social services agency with jurisdiction in your area; if international, the next step is to pick a country to adopt from, and then find an agency with a strong program in that county).  Whatever you decide, the women of this board, will doubtlessly prove to be an invaluable support.

    For right now, though, please be extra-special kind to yourself.  It sounds like you deserve it.


  • I am so sorry for your losses. There are no words to express what you must be going through. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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