It's the holidays so my oldest is ignored

mommyof4boys

We go through this every Christmas.  Last year my husband told him mom that we wouldn't accept any gifts for any of the kids unless she treated everyone equally. Our 3 youngest are biologically his.  Our oldest was 4 when we met and is now 11.  They consider each other father/son.  He treats them all equally. 

She gave me a list today of things that she got for Jon and Matt so far and said she is trying to figure out what to do for Chris.  She got J&M a v-motion game, extra controllers, 2 games, 2 talking bears that tell stories, and one more thing that I can't remember.  She gave me 50 dollars to buy things for Josh.  They aren't equal in spending. 

I know she's going to get pissed just like she did last year when the hubby talked to her.  I'm going to need him to talk to her.  They need to be treated equally.  He knows they aren't and has made comments to me about it.  It breaks my heart to know that he picks up on it.  I mean, it's so bad she introduces us like this "Mommyof4boys and her hubby have 3 boys.  Oh, and she had one before they met."

kevschickee2

thats awful   how can she do that to a little boy?

ElizabethD

UGH that IS sad.    Is the boys father in his life or does your husband have legal parenthood?  It doesn't "matter" but if his mom is being irrational and stupid, it might be slightly explainable that "that boy has a real daddy elsewhere and that man isn't my son."

One thought that pops out of me is if you can spend more for your older one and say it is from his grandmother (even though you pitched in more?) 

OR can your dh tell his mother that if she's not willing to treat the oldest equally that you'd prefer no gifts for any of the children.  Be extreme to show how deadly serious you guys are about this.

mrsterry

OH HELL FVCK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

This hits home with me, and I'll be damned if I allow ANYONE to treat my child(ren) like that!  I'm pissed for you and I feel badly for your DS and DH (that his mother can't accept).

I'm BURNING up right now! 

Amanda&Chris

That would drive me crazy!!!  Thankfully, that is the one positive thing I can say about my MIL, she has always treated DS like a grandchild.

jaredswife

How heartless!!!!!  I wouldnt take any of her grandkids around her if she did that.  She doesnt deserve to see them!

mommyof4boys

I know....I am the product of a "step-grandparent" and when I was little wasn't treated equally.  When I became older, my grandfather and step-grandmother apologized and were amazing since.  My grandfather has since passed and I still have  relationship with my step-grandmother.  She said she loves me and doesn't see me as anything but a grandchild.  It just hurts to see and know first hand how it hurts and when I tried explaining to her she obviously didn't "get" it.

When J&M were first born, their first Christmas, she went overboard and Josh got one or two things.  He was 8.  He asked me if he was a "bad" boys since Santa got more for his brothers.  Every other year, I buy more for him and put them out when the in-laws come over so he won't know.

Zenya

That is really really sad.  I would be furious.

mommyof4boys

His father isn't in the picture and has never been.  Josh calls DH "Dad" and DH tells everyone he is his son.  We were going to go through with adoption and the only reason why we stopped was that Josh is the only one who has my family's last name to carry it on.  If not, it would die off.  Dh was super sensitive to this as he and his brother were in the same boat.

mrsterry

I'm still fuming!

This sounds so much like my MIL and it's making me want to call and cuss her out.  She treats my nieces and nephew the way you describe your son to be treated and it pissed me off to no end.  Circumstances made it that I have a niece that was born into a family with 2 sisters and a brother.  Well, since her birth, her siblings have lost their biological father to cancer and my BIL has stepped up and taken them in as his own children.  They are not married, but I consider them to be just as much a couple since they've been together for years (even while she was married...)

My MIL just refuses to accept the children as grandchildren.  She has even SAID that when my SIL and BIL get married that the children can call her "grandma" then but never "nana"....WTF is that about?!?!?! 

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am seeing red right now.

HasteTheDay

Oh that makes me so sad! Poor guy...?

ElizabethD

THere should be a kids book titled, "my grandparent(s) is a bastard" to help kids sort through how heartless adults in their lives can be.  I'm so mad for you!  Seriously, can you tell her you want NO GIFTS for any kids if she can't treat the oldest right?  It's like in a twisted way you're "letting her" do this (SOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not blaming you for her evilness) but I would be fascinated to hear her response that you will refuse to let her give any child a gift unless your oldest is treated with the same respect.

Can't your husband adopt without any name change?  Wouldn't that also help if something bad happened and there would be more social security payout, estate pay outs, etc.  I guess I am fascinated by legal stuff and not being legally connected means your husband (and son) are really vulnerable to hospital visits, wills, that social security stuff (if your dh dies you'd get more pay for more kids.)  I think about that a lot for ALL stepparents... how many bio parents aren't in the kids lives, the kid lives Full Time with a stepparent and yet at that dire situation, in the ER, that stepparent has NO legal rights at all. 

AZ_Erica

That is awful.  I can't imagine someone being so mean to a young child.  Your son must be so hurt.  I hope your DH talks to her again and maybe it helps. 

brightning

That makes me really sad for your son because I was in that same situation growing up. However, I just wanted to applaud you for standing up to your MIL. I know it's a tough position to be in, but it's every bit worth the struggle.

mommyof4boys

I never thought about the legality of those things.  I wonder if it could go as a "guardian" and then he would have the same legal rights?  The first year we told her that the needed to be equal she gave me 200 dollars and told meto pic everything out.  I did.  Everyone got equal money spent on them.

femmegem

That sucks so bad. I'm really sorry.

FWIW, my MIL admits that she doesn't even look at SIL's DD when her DS is in the room.

I don't get shit like that. I really don't. 

femmegem

mommyof4boys:

When J&M were first born, their first Christmas, she went overboard and Josh got one or two things.  He was 8.  He asked me if he was a "bad" boys since Santa got more for his brothers.  Every other year, I buy more for him and put them out when the in-laws come over so he won't know.

That just makes me want to cry. 

marchbaby

I would be totally pissed.  My MIL tends to play favorites, though in our case my DH and I are the biological parents.  She has just decided that she likes our 3 1/2 year old more then our 1 1/2 year old and it pisses me off to no end.  She has brought easter gifts for our oldest, nothing for our youngest.  She has made comments about it not being worth visiting if my oldest will be napping (how about to see your other grandson you moron!).  And for my youngest birthday she got "him" buzz lightyear toys, knowing full well its my oldest who loves buzz lightyear.  She even said to my oldest, "Just let your brother play with it for a second, then you can HAVE it."  Oh my god I was mad.  I told DH he better talk to her b/c the next time she showed up with a gift for one and not the other (unless its a birthday, and then the gift should be FOR the actual birthday boy) then I would talk to her, and it would not be pretty!  In my mind if she can't treat them equally then she won't see either of them.  Thankfully my kids are young enouh that they don't see it yet.  I feel so sorry for you son though, I would definately have your DH talk to her.  Has he told her how your son feels and things he has said?  How can anyone continue to do something so stupid after hearing about a sad little boy!

sarahjared

I would definitely have DH talk to her again.  What a beyotch.

camrude

I'm sorry for you and especially for your son.

HAFranklin

I know Im way late here, but I just wanted to ask why DS would have to change his last name if DH adopted him.

Just curious because BIL (DH's brother) adopted his wife's DD, and she has kept her last name. Maybe it varies by state?

 

I think its terrible what your MIL is doing! It makes me so sad

knmommy

I am so sorry, that just sucks.  I am lucky that my inlaws look at DS as their "1st" grandson. 

I would just tell her no gifts from her for any if she can't be equal.  Your poor DS!

BJKL

I just want to hug all of your boys! I would stick to your guns about equality or nothing. 

I have a MIL who doesn't care about my DS and he is the only grandchild she has so I know how hurtful it can be. It has taken me a year but I am finally starting to accept that it is her lose.  If this is hurting your family then cut her out...it is the only want to protect your boys!

mikeandmonica

I just want to hug your boys.  That is so sad.  Honestly, I would cut MIL out of the life until she can accept that he is her grandson too.