NBR: IL family issue, long

MitsB707

For mobile: "NBR: IL family issue, long"

So yesterday was my surprise shower. I had an awesome time, and we were super fortunate to have received everything big that we needed for lo. Dh's aunt and cousin were not able to attend as they are down the shore on vacation and left yesterday. Dh's aunt has always taken the motherly role in dh's life as he has no relationship with his mom. I'm not upset that she didn't come since I know she needed a vacation after everything with FIL that she handled for dh and then dealing with his recent passing. Well, apparently my family is pissed that they did not attend.

Family is very important to us, and they are annoyed and upset that dh's aunt couldn't drive the two hours from the shore to attend the shower for a few hours and then go back down the shore. That's actually exactly what my younger cousin did, and my aunts came from other states to spend the day celebrating with us. But that's how my family is. We are very close and make it a point to attend all special events, birthdays, and holidays. My parents are not the type to forget, especially when it comes to special family events, and they feel as though I am not important to them since my IL's couldn't slightly postpone their arrival down the shore to go to the shower. Apparently dh's aunt rationalized it by saying that they already bought the most expensive things on the registry and gave them to dh already, and they booked the trip months ago. We live in the small state of NJ. The shore really isn't that far from where my parents held my shower.

So now I feel stuck in the middle. My parents and sisters are upset with dh's aunt, dh has no idea, and now I feel bad that they worked so hard on my shower and are upset. I don't want any bad blood between my IL's and my family, but I'm worried about what's going to happen once lo comes and everyone is together again.

Sorry this is more of a dear diary post and so long. I guess I just needed to vent, and hope someone has some kind words to help. I just feel crappy right now, and it just sucks.

henderson1026

I think the most important thing is that you are not upset by her absence.  I hope your parents can come to realize that she just lost her brother and needs to be allowed to grieve.  She may have stayed away b.c she knew she would be a debbie downer and didn't want to do that to you. 

MommyR8113

What matters is how you feel and it seems you understand the circumstances your dh's aunt felt. It sounds like your family is being petty and I've dealt with this from my MIL. She rights people off when they can't or don't attend things and I disagree completely with her on this topic. If your family is as close and cares about you as much as you've explained ten when your LO arrives all this shower drama should be water under the bridge. What counts is who supports you daily not just on a day of an event. Try not to worry they'll get over it.

plunderb

If I were in this situation, I would go out to dinner with my parents and sister and confront the topic head-on. Thank them x1,000 for the beautiful shower and emphasize how much it meant to you. Then say there's one thing bothering you, and that's how they're reacting to DH's aunt's absence. Explain that you knew that she has been going through a lot and is grieving and that you knew she probably wasn't up for the celebration. Let them know you're not upset about her decision to stay away and hint that they should give her the benefit of the doubt because she has a lot on her plate and has been very supportive of your family. Then, ask them to drop it before it ruins the memory of your lovely shower. If they can't get over it after that, they are being jerks.

amandarins

It only matters how you feel. You have a lot going on right now, I'd stay away from all that gossip and let them deal with it on their own. 

lkobriant

I agree with PPs. The only people who matter are you and DH. You both seem to be ok and understanding of them not attending. That should be enough to tell your family that it isn't something to be upset about. Each family works differently. Things that my family does upsets DH's and vice versa, it happens. Obviously you can't control how your family feels but I wouldn't be too worried.

PackersFan315

henderson1026:

I think the most important thing is that you are not upset by her absence.nbsp; I hope your parents can come to realize that she just lost her brother and needs to be allowed to grieve.nbsp; She may have stayed away b.c she knew she would be a debbie downer and didn't want to do that to you.nbsp;

This. I have to imagine the recent emotional upheaval with the loss is taking its toll and going to a happy celebration such as your shower would've brought people down and made her feel guilty for going and then feeling worse because of it.

I'm sure she was hoping to attend but time to decompress and grieve is important too. I'm sure she will celebrate with you once the baby is here and DH will appreciate that time with his aunt.

Is there a gentle way to just convey to your mom or those who planned the shower that your ILs do care but their recent loss was overwhelming and they wouldn't have wanted to bring people down at such a happy occasion?

Glad you had such a great surprise shower!!!

BlondieBia21

henderson1026:

I think the most important thing is that you are not upset by her absence.nbsp; I hope your parents can come to realize that she just lost her brother and needs to be allowed to grieve.nbsp; She may have stayed away b.c she knew she would be a debbie downer and didn't want to do that to you.nbsp;

I agree with this. She could have also felt like people would be asking how she was, rather than paying their attention to you. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Try to stress to your parents that yes, you do see she couldve came, but she didn't not come to be rude or hurtful to you. Hope it gets better!

coraggiosa

plunderb:

If I were in this situation, I would go out to dinner with my parents and sister and confront the topic head-on. Thank them x1,000 for the beautiful shower and emphasize how much it meant to you. Then say there's one thing bothering you, and that's how they're reacting to DH's aunt's absence. Explain that you knew that she has been going through a lot and is grieving and that you knew she probably wasn't up for the celebration. Let them know you're not upset about her decision to stay away and hint that they should give her the benefit of the doubt because she has a lot on her plate and has been very supportive of your family. Then, ask them to drop it before it ruins the memory of your lovely shower. If they can't get over it after that, they are being jerks.

I completely agree with this. If it didn't upset you, I honestly can't see why they are upset over it if you aren't. We are talking about a grieving woman here. She just might not have been up for a celebration, or maybe she thought she'd bring her sadness with her. Whatever it may be, it doesn't really matter.  

kkay1982

plunderb:

If I were in this situation, I would go out to dinner with my parents and sister and confront the topic headon. Thank them x1,000 for the beautiful shower and emphasize how much it meant to you. Then say there's one thing bothering you, and that's how they're reacting to DH's aunt's absence. Explain that you knew that she has been going through a lot and is grieving and that you knew she probably wasn't up for the celebration. Let them know you're not upset about her decision to stay away and hint that they should give her the benefit of the doubt because she has a lot on her plate and has been very supportive of your family. Then, ask them to drop it before it ruins the memory of your lovely shower. If they can't get over it after that, they are being jerks.

I agree with this. If you are as close to your family as you say you are you should be able to sit down with them and talk it out. Your DH's aunt had a good reason for not being there and if you are okay with it then they should be too.

MitsB707

Thanks everyone! I called my mom and sister back and told them how I felt. I explained that I was not upset by her absence and understood that they just needed a break after everything that happened in recent weeks. I also stressed how thankful and happy we were with everyone who was able to attend. I also told my mom that I don't want any issues when lo actually comes and we get together for family events. She said everything will be fine, but just not the same with them, and that they will not forget what happened. It sounds like she is mad that dh's aunt made such a big deal about her trip and was apparently trying to change the date, and then when they found out they're not actually going anywhere far, it annoyed them, especially since my cousin left the beach, came to the shower, and then went back to the beach afterwards. The comment about the price of their gifts also didn't sit well with her. Hopefully my parents going away on vacation this week will help then get over it because I'm just not going to deal with any added stress. I even started to get more stupid contractions from stressing out about it! Smh.

Sascha3

plunderb:

If I were in this situation, I would go out to dinner with my parents and sister and confront the topic headon. Thank them x1,000 for the beautiful shower and emphasize how much it meant to you. Then say there's one thing bothering you, and that's how they're reacting to DH's aunt's absence. Explain that you knew that she has been going through a lot and is grieving and that you knew she probably wasn't up for the celebration. Let them know you're not upset about her decision to stay away and hint that they should give her the benefit of the doubt because she has a lot on her plate and has been very supportive of your family. Then, ask them to drop it before it ruins the memory of your lovely shower. If they can't get over it after that, they are being jerks.

This completely. They are being very selfish...she just experienced a huge loss and had every right to grieve the way she wants. Maybe she doesn't want to be around a ton of people right now. I have lost most of my family and I still am angry about how certain people acted and had expectations of me immediately after losing my parents. I cut people out of my life over it.

NiksMama

amandarins:

It only matters how you feel. You have a lot going on right now, I'd stay away from all that gossip and let them deal with it on their own.nbsp;

This. They're all adults. It's not your job to referee this. Try to stay out of it and relax. You've got enough going on without family drama.

MitsB707

BreanneL24:

I think you need to tell your parents this is not their problem at all. Frankly, it is stupid they are upset. Your DH's family just lost a family member. No one should be telling them how they should be acting. If you're not upset by her missing the shower, then they shouldn't be. It almost seems like they're just looking to pick a fight.

That's why I was so surprised with their reaction! My family is usually not like this, so I'm really taken aback by everything. I'm not going to stress any more about it. We've got enough to handle before little man arrives.

Thanks everyone for your input! I'm just going to focus on us and stay away from the ridiculous drama.

lefender

Maritza707:

Thanks everyone! I called my mom and sister back and told them how I felt. I explained that I was not upset by her absence and understood that they just needed a break after everything that happened in recent weeks. I also stressed how thankful and happy we were with everyone who was able to attend. I also told my mom that I don't want any issues when lo actually comes and we get together for family events. She said everything will be fine, but just not the same with them, and that they will not forget what happened. It sounds like she is mad that dh's aunt made such a big deal about her trip and was apparently trying to change the date, and then when they found out they're not actually going anywhere far, it annoyed them, especially since my cousin left the beach, came to the shower, and then went back to the beach afterwards. The comment about the price of their gifts also didn't sit well with her. Hopefully my parents going away on vacation this week will help then get over it because I'm just not going to deal with any added stress. I even started to get more stupid contractions from stressing out about it! Smh.

Don't let this stress you out too much, try to relax for your sake and for LOs sake! Bringing a new baby into a family dynamic can be...challenging for families and relationships, and people can be ultra sensitive/ over react to small things. Hopefully you're parents getting an opportunity to relax on their vacation will help things to blow over!

cole2144

Honestly as someone who has lost a brother this year, I have very little compassion for your family. Give DH`s aunt a break, my brother died in January and it is a struggle every single day. His aunt is grieving and if she needs time away then who are they to judge her?! I would tell my family to back off.

rissa06

i will put out is the understanding that every family is different and that everyone has their own ideas of family.  What I mean is that, in general, if they booked this trip a while ago and they didn't want to sit in traffic to drive back and forth from the shore, I don't think she have to, regardless of how close she is to DH.  She could want to celebrate with you in a different way then to go to a party or maybe her idea is that if I get you an extra large gift, this is my way of thinking of you guys.  What matters is the relationship she has with you and not about the fact that she attended or didn't attend a shower.  

my husband and i go through this a lot with our family's and different expectations for family events.  especially since my husband works on saturdays and when we decide not to attend an event for a reason, he gets calls with a guilt trip, because he didn't attend an event or they get offended if I don't attend an event, for various reasons.

 I think it really should be about what you and DH are ok with and not about what your family thinks, as what some of the above posters have said.

starshower22

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hopefully your family will just be upset and let it go. I guess I can see their frustration when they put the effort into throwing the shower. But if you aren't upset that your H's family couldn't make it because of their prior plans then your family should take that into consideration. It's definitely not ok for them to expect you to be on "their side" about it when they have the problem but you don't. Sending good thoughts your way!!

Limo526

I feel my family acts the same way. I also live in NJ and depending on where they live and which beach they go to its not a far drive. My family would have acted the same way and I feel like I would be reacting like you are. It's just not that important to stress over. I've had family issues too and keep saying for the sake of the baby when she comes can we all just keep the peace. Hope everyone can just all get along and focus on the greatness that will be joining the family soon!

TurtleMomma

PP's have lots of good advice. Nothing more to add, here.

Hang in there!