I wish I wasn't obsessing so much

Sharon216

I just can't stop thinking about whether or not a DE is right for me.  I can tell DH has reservations, even though he keeps saying he wants to wait to make any decisions until we talk to our RE on Saturday to find out if there's still any chance we could try IVF with my eggs.

Will I still love a child that isn't biologically half mine?  I want to say that I would and that carrying him or her would be enough to establish that maternal bond.  But what if it's not?  What if I love DD more because she's mine?  Would I be better off just being OAD and giving her all my love and attention?  

I know there's no right or wrong answer for any of these questions and I'm certain I'm not the first one to ask them.

Sorry for all the posts. I'm so lost and confused and not sure where else to get some of these thoughts out.  Not many people at work know that I've been dealing with secondary IF for almost 3 years and I constantly get questions about when I'm having another one, which is extremely annoying.

Maybe it's time to see a therapist. 

liz4paws

*hugs*

Coming to terms with it all is a very big deal, and it does take time to sort everything out.

All joking aside, before I even got to the end of your post I was going to suggest going to a psychologist who specializes in donor situations. We went to one as part of the process to receive donor embryos, and it was hands-down one of the best things I've ever done. So many thoughts were floating around my head, and the therapist really helped both of us sort them out. I recommend talking to a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing to anyone who is working out their emotions about it.

Your RE should hopefully have some recommendations. I wouldn't just go to a random person you find in the phone book. Good luck!!!

ladyrader0227

I agree - I saw someone for a while to discuss my feelings about DE.  It helped a bunch

Lacyj67

"Will I still love a child that isn't biologically half mine?  I want to say that I would and that carrying him or her would be enough to establish that maternal bond.  But what if it's not?  What if I love DD more because she's mine?  Would I be better off just being OAD and giving her all my love and attention?  "

 I ask myself these questions all the time. And to tell you then truth I'm in the middle of a DE cycle and I still don't know how I feel. So many emotions are constantly bombarding me and I think and hope that once I hold our baby in my arms I will just melt and know they are mine but right now I just  don't know!!!

BabyVDM

I think the turning point is when you start looking for and find your perfect donor.

I staggered a bit when I realized that I wasn't going to be able to pass on certain things, like my hands, which are my mother's hands exactly.  It made me a little sad, but then I opened up a donors profile and she looked so much like me when I was in my 20s but cuter.  She has my eyes, same shape same colour, she has my hair, she has my same imperfect kind of on the large size nose. Suddenly, I realized I was okay with DE. 

I used to open her profile up and look at her photos and just be so happy and content with my decision. 

But 6 months later, to be honest as I mentioned in a previous post, I honestly forget sometimes we used DEs. 

Talking with someone can definitely help.

 

 

MrsT4

Sharon,

For many of us, especially those trying for our first baby, using DE's involves a grieving period in which we grieve the chance of having a biological child.  I think what you're going through would be similar, only you need some time to grieve the loss of future biological children...and it's not a process that happens overnight. 

Unfortunately, I can't answer your other questions specific to your current DD and any future children, since I'm not in the same position.  However, as others have suggested, I think it would be beneficial for you to seek counseling to discuss all of your concerns.

For me personally, it took a few years (and thousands of dollars for 3 OE IVF's) in order to realize that I should move onto DE's if I wanted to be able to carry a baby.  I hope you find some answers once you meet with your RE and discuss your options moving forward. 

(((Hugs))) and best of luck! 

 

Sharon216

Thank you very much for all of your support and advice.  I will definitely look into seeing a therapist soon.