Military Families

PTSD Baby Daddy

I have been going to a military counselor to try and deal with my daughter's father and his PTSD he suffers from; she recommended I search around the internet and find others who may be going through the same thing... so here I am! This pregnancy was definitely an accident, but given I'll be 30 a mere 8 days before she is due to enter this world and I have no other kids, I can't say anything bad about it. This pregnancy has been pretty lonely because he just isn't around much. It's kind of difficult to explain, but basically we ARE together and we do have very loving moments and he is very involved at times. But he is also incredibly distant at the same time and has a lot of mental blocks as far as moving forward or being totally involved. He has a daughter that is 4 from a previous marriage and while he allowed me to be involved in her life at one point he has now decided he and I are too up and down for me to continue being involved so he spends very little time with me, as he has sole custody of her and has to tend to her. He basically tells me that because I am 30 I can adjust to and deal with this pregnancy on my own whereas his 4 year old can not tend to herself. He also doesn't really include me in the majority of his life outside of me. His family really doesn't know me, and they don't seem too interested in his unborn daughter, but that is mostly because he doesn't talk to them about us and he doesn't allow me to be around so I guess it would be kind of hard for them to be super involved. But it is very upsetting because they are a close family that I would love nothing more than to be involved with, and of course I would absolutely love if my daughter could have that same bond with them that his daughter has. It is very up and down and very emotional, especially given your normal pregnancy hormones. I ask him constantly if he just doesn't WANT me and this baby and that's why we're held at arms length and he always replies that he loves me very much and wants me and is working towards getting his head straight so that we can be a family all under one roof. But obviously being TOLD those things and then being kept at a distance and left to be pretty lonely (especially when I am down to the last 8 weeks and we still have no set arrangement on how we're gonna do this) is very confusing and upsetting. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be doing myself a favor if I just left this relationship and dealt with being a single mom rather than all this up and down...

Re: PTSD Baby Daddy

  • I'm sorry that you're going through this. Have you asked him to go to counseling? I currently see a counselor due to some marital and personal issues. My husband won't admit it, but I strongly believe that he has PTSD. It has been a rough road.

    From your post it seems that you two don't live together, is that right?


    imageLilypie - (jv05)
  • That sounds like a tough situation. Is he in counseling or on medication? If not I would suggest asking him to go with you sometime and you can blame it on your own counseling needs that way he doesn't feel like you're forcing him to see someone against his will. I also think you need to sit down with a third party, if not your counselor then maybe the base chaplain to work out a schedule for being together. It is not a healthy relationship if he doesn't want you with his daughter especially since you are having a child together.

    Have you talked about the financial needs your new baby will have and how you will split them? Your baby is eligible to be on his insurance and he is required to pay child support. If you feel he is unwilling to help then you can open a case at your local child support office.

    PTSD can be a long hard road but if you're both willing to work at it, it can get better. I'm sorry you are going through this and that he is sick and I hope you can both get some help.

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  • Bottom line I think you need to go into this expecting to do it basically on your own.  It sounds like he's pulling away and even if he isn't, he has enough emotional baggage of his own that he isn't likely to be able to give you the support you need during this pregnancy.  So look for ways to get the support you need elsewhere (friends, support grounds, family).  If he comes around and can be involved then even better - but you'll be covered either way.

    I haven't dealt with the PTSD problem but DH was badly injured at the beginning of my pregnancy and really wasn't there for me physically or emotionally for the first two trimesters.  It wasn't his fault - but it really stressed me out because I kept looking to him for the support I needed going through the pregnancy and was constantly disappointed.  Once I accepted that he wasn't going to be able to do that it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.  It actually made it easier once I realized I needed to rely on myself, friends, and family and not keep looking to him.  So I'm not trying to be mean saying you need to prepare to do it on your own.  I actually think it may take some pressure off both of you.  Good luck with everything. 

  • NSLNSL member

    I'm a big fan of letting a person's actions speak for them, and this man's actions are screaming at you.  He's cut you out of his daughter's life.  He's cut you off from his family (and his child's family).  He's leaving you lonely and confused regarding your future with him.  PTSD or no, you need to stop letting him jerk you around and start living your life as if he's not going to be in the picture.  And really, he needs to know that his actions are forcing you to make decisions for yourself and your child that don't involve him or his involvement in the baby's life.

    I'm sorry he's not the man you want him to be.  Hopefully he gets the help he needs in order to be that man.  Until then, you need to stop expecting that he's going to suddenly become that person for you and your baby. 

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